live my life on my own terms, not trying to live up to the expectations of others

When you’re not even living up to your own expectations?

Im still trying to do this it’s very hard for me especially when i don’t like the person i am. :/

I am still trying to find out what my terms are. Most of the time I feel like a puppet having my strings pulled and yanked by many hands.

I finished Nurse’s Aide training. Big whoop. It became obvious that the instructor was going to pass everyone anyway. I am still not sure whether I can be a N.A. for long either. The work is so unpleasant. Why did I choose to go in it in the first place you may ask? Wanting to help people and job security seemed liked a good enough reason at the onset.

It won’t take me 13 years to complete.

I want to start doing what i want to and not what my parents want me to.

It’s been interesting over the past year to work on this goal. I’ve been living with my then-fiance, now-husband, and I’ve been learning how to live with someone who I want to think the best of me and still live up to my own expectations. I’m still a work in progress on this, but it’s becoming easier to speak up about things that are bothering me, share the housework load, however much it bothered me, and find a balance between our goals and my goals. It’s been an adjustment, thinking for two people instead of one, and someday down the road I hope to make an adjustment to think for three or four instead of two. I strive to live up to my husband’s ideals, too, we push each other to be better people. I like to think that we’ve help make each other into better people, I know that he’s helped me grow in many ways (and not only because he taught me to drive :P)

“The only worth I felt was when I was an acceptable addition to people’s lives,” has really had me thinking! Is that what I think? Is that why I have a hard time putting other people’s expectations in their rightful place? It’s exhausting, plus not right, worrying about other people’s expectations! I have worth! Regardless of what other people expect of me! I have expectations, and those should be my number 1! And, I would probably feel the worth I have more, if I met my own expectations! Meeting my own expectations, I would feel good about myself, because I would be being true to myself!

relative, which makes me sad..I pray for him and I have sent cards in the mail. My Mom calls me early in the morning, and tells me that he is very sick and will probably be in a coma soon, and if I want to see him, I better get up there. After I hang up with her…What to do?! My mind is whirling…I haven’t seen this relative in years. It’s a 2 hour trip! I have family obligations! I have a lot of stress at work! What should I do?!

My Mom is known for overreacting! She also like to look good! She would look good, her kids coming up to see the relative! The relative is on her side. I felt manipulated by her! (It’s a well-known feeling!)

I decided not to go! If I went, it would be because of her expectations, and I don’t want her expectations controlling me! I don’t think it’s my responsibility to go! I do care…I pray and I have sent cards, and I feel that is where I can matter!

I told my husband that I decided not to go, and that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and he told me, “You’re 50 years old, it’s about time!” SO TRUE!

I am trying really hard to stay focused on my life and MY reality and not getting so caught up in what everyone else thinks, needs, wants etc. I found out some really shocking information about my best friend a few months ago and she didn’t tell me about it for months. And during this whole time period I was going through a really difficult situation where I felt as if she was being very judgmental and here the whole time she had this crazy situation going on in her life that she didn’t share with me. I was worried about her judging me and my life and she was doing something 10x as crazy. That’s when it REALLY hit me that I have to stop worrying about what other people expect me to do. It all makes me think of something I heard Oprah say once. She was talking about when she was being sued by the cattle people in Texas. She was on the stand and the cattle lawyer was pointing his finger at her saying you did this and that and on and on. It suddenly struck her that the man could stand there and point his finger and say all these horrible things about her for as long as he wanted but it didn’t make it true! I think part of not trying to live up to other people’s expectations is not letting their judgments about your actions and behaviors effect you. And, as Oprah said, just because someone says something or thinks something about you that doesn’t make it true!

I have wasted so many years on other people’s expectations, when I have expectations of my own! It’s time for MY expectations!