decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

about my last job. Last night I didn’t sleep well for a large portion of the night because every time I fell asleep, I fell back into a dream about it. I know it’s because LA called yesterday and she reminds me of when I worked there. Anyway… I think it will take me a long time to shake off the residue of stress and dis-ease that job left on my body, mind and spirit. I never want to find myself in a situation even vaguely similar.

Actually, LA was offering me teaching work at her school starting at the end of March. A couple of my close friends work there, so it would be nice to be there in a way, but I have to get a car before I could ever consider working there. It’s not close at all. I would enjoy the classes and it would be nice to help LA out, but it’s getting close to the time I would need to Capstone and my current school is so conveniently located. I need to think about this and let her know.

In the meantime, my current boss told me today that I’m set with classes there through the end of this month. Things might be a bit more spotty in March and April, but then I could teach through summer there if I wanted to. That might help and would buy me some time to try to accomplish this goal!

Will I ever accomplish this goal?!

I’m feeling really overwhelmed with this today. I have to submit a self-assessment at work tomorrow, in which I am to talk about my goals for the upcoming year along with my career goals. The problem is I have no idea what those are.

I’m feeling like I have no future and no career. I’m 31 and I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. I sort of know what I want out of life, but I have no idea how to get to that point. I’m not creative enough to have a creative job. I’m not skilled enough to get any job. I could take some sort of low-paying job that would be fun but I’m afraid of not being able to live the same lifestyle and of making my husband bear the financial brunt. I realize I need to make some sort of sacrifice here, I’m just not sure what that should be.

Everyone’s answer is always, “Go back to school!” But for what? I don’t know what I’ll ultimately like. I wouldn’t mind going to school for graphic designer but what if I’m honestly not creative enough?

Really what I want to do is have some sort of creative freelancing career, but it’s sort of a joke because I’m only just now trying to reconnect with my creativity, and I’m about 20 years behind at this point. You can’t make up for that in a few months, if you even can at all. I think I have a creative spark in me, but maybe I don’t. Maybe I just really want to be but don’t have it in me.

Overall I’m so stuck. I’m so overwhelmed with the thought of having to make some sort of decision. A few weeks ago I was thinking I would just leave my job and figure it out from there, but now all I can think is what if I can’t? What if it just becomes a huge mess and I can’t make money and I’ve given up the only lucrative job I could’ve had?

I’m just so scared and I have no idea where to go from here. It all just makes me want to crawl back into bed.

About my situation: I am almost 30, I have completed my JD, passed the bar exam, have 2 kids under 2 by the wrong person. Now here I am. Trying to take private clients but can’t stand dealing with all that is involved and can’t make enough to pay my bills. To add to that, as a new solo attorney, I lack the knowledge and resources I need to make things happen. I can’t get hired any where and I don’t think I have chosen the right career path for myself. I don’t even like the work I have done so far.

Now what? I am bogged down with the responsibilities of student loans, babies, and a home I need to sell, like NOW!

I actually googled “what the hell am I going to do with my life” because I am at a total loss – and was actually really suprised this came up. I don’t know what I want to do or I can do. And the only thing I know for sure is that I love the beach, warm weather and that I made a mistake going to law school.

I hope someone has some advice. I am at a total loss on what to do with myself and how to meet all of these responsibilities I have created for myself.

I came across an exciting project that really interests me. I have no idea what role I can play in the project or whether it will have an effect on my future direction as of yet. I’m going to be a bit mysterious about this until I know more… I’ve been encouraged to do some dreaming and brainstorming. I’m coming up against some old schemas but I’m onto them this time. I don’t want to limit my own potential here. Instead I want to confront my fears and manifest my dreams in whatever way possible – whether this is the project to do it on or not. :)

Last night I had a nightmare that I was the Director of the new school where I’m teaching now. It was incredibly stressful. When I awoke, I immediately transitioned into thinking about this new project. It was in sharp contrast to the dream I’d been having. I’m sure my brain is trying to remind me in a not-so-subtle way that I don’t want to be trapped falling back into the same familiar roles just because I know them. Running a language school is certainly not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m willing to work hard and experience stress, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my soul for my job. I want something that’s in agreement with my beliefs. If I continue to work in education, I want to do so in a way that helps make the world a better place. I don’t want to be a slave to unethical corporations.

I was voted the most likely to make it as a starving writer. Lately, I’m neither starving nor writing, and I’m not sure I’ve made it. Writing was a passion for me from the time I was very young until my early 20s. It’s something that fell away, little by little, as I made practical choices to earn money rather than starve. Lately, I’m wondering if I can ever reclaim it, and if so, what role it will play in my future life. Hobby? Sideline? Main career? Or something in between? I sure as heck am rusty. I’d love for this to be one of the things I work on during these 6 months of semi-employment, but to be honest, I don’t think I can write my Capstone/ thesis and write creatively. So this remains, for now, a question with no answer.

^{I love being a housewife.}

I need to figure out exactly what kind of camera I want…
Then I need to pay down my bills to the point where I won’t feel bad about splurging on a camera…
Then I need to buy a camera…
And then I need to start taking pictures of stuff. Awesome pictures of stuff…
And then I need to figure out what to do with the pictures.
I also need a new computer, and some photo-editing software.

is really bothering me, even though I’m taking things step by step and doing what I need to do right now.

I’m already in the 50s and have a grandkid but still need to know how in the hell I will spend the rest of my life: doing what, where, and how are questions I need to find not now but yesterday… things now appear to be going way more fast than before and time is squeezing me for some crucial decisions.

The results of my first set of student evaluations were given to me today. I scored really high in all categories and had some really wonderful comments from the students.

I like teaching adult ESL. I used to feel it was my calling. I’m good at it. It allows me to be creative and to help people, two things that are really important to me.

It does exist part-time (frequently), which is an advantage because it allows the job to be combined with other things. It can be more rewarding in certain environments, and can pay better too if I really decide to pursue more opportunities. It is a portable job and can be done all over the world.

But it doesn’t pay well and often doesn’t come with benefits. I often burn out on it because I just spend so much time prepping and marking. I get frustrated with students who don’t put in as much effort as I do (most of them). In language schools, you have to put up with the business elements coming into conflict with the basic principles of education. In universities or colleges, the politics and fight for hours/ benefits. In many environments, you start to feel like an entertainer.

Now that I’m back in the classroom, it’s like I never left. But I can’t figure out what role this job will have in my future – if any.