i have decided to stop trying to convince myself that i like what i do now because it took so much time, effort and emotion to get to where i am. i also need to stop lamenting that fact and move on.
it feels like trying to move a mountain. what i realized is that unlike many people i never chose my profession, i just sort of followed through on suggestions by other people (like my mother). it’s my fault for not choosing, but back then i felt like i wasn’t informed enough to make a decision that would essentially shape who i am in the future. well – i mean, it’s everybody’s guess as to what they want to be but i felt like i had no past experiences, no passions or even hobbies to help me figure out what it is i enjoy doing. i had no idea who i was, much less who i wanted to be. and so now, after everything – i’m still trying to figure that out and feeling a little hopeless.
i have a somewhat methodical logic to figuring most things out but that tactic is hard to apply to a situation like this. i’ve thought about what kind of person i am, what things i enjoy, what talents i might possess. i’ve concluded that i am very much a ‘help others’ type of person and someone who needs personal freedom (in a non bureaucratic environment, which is admittedly almost impossible to find), and who holds honesty, integrity and personal ethics above all else (and sincerely so). i’m good at mediating and inspiring and brainstorming. i am highly organized and pretty good at communicating. i’m good at one-on-one teaching and mentoring. i’m a very good supervisor and co-ordinator. but these all seem to be job descriptions without an actual job. and honestly, you could apply these qualities to virtually anything and they are subjective.
so the narrowing criteria is what, above all else, do i want to achieve in order to be satisfied by my work? i think it might be medicine. dare i even suggest to my family that i want to be a nurse? what about admitting that to myself? am i up to that challenge? what if i find out after several months and a complete career overhaul that i am just not cut out to be a nurse? what sort of career issues plague nurses? what characterizes a successful healthcare professional? what hoops and hurdles should i expect? where do i find the answers to these questions??? i want to grab an experienced nurse and just shake the information out of her. tell me everything you know! agh. my boss is gonna be so pissed. my mother is, too. what i do now is so unsatisfying. i am helping no one. i am not bettering myself. i am not seeing any results. i don’t feel like a contributing member of society and that makes me feel quite empty. i also want to wear scrubs everyday instead of these stupid pants suits.