Maybe the thing holding me back is not my inability to think of my future but my inability to stop thinking of my past. I really had problem thinking about my teenage years. I thought I wasted it. I could have done much more things, I could have study more, I could have done some sport, I didn’t have to be on every concert. There was lots of regrets about my past. But slowly I’m getting over it. I don’t think about it that often any more. Or better to say, I don’t have so many regrets, or any regrets at all. Yeah, right, I could have done better, but why should my bad behavior have even worse effect on my present or future? Why be so ashamed of it, that I wouldn’t do my best now?
So, this bad period seems to be over right now. But not long time I had to deal with later period, my 20’s. They are not over yet, I must say, but I started having this feeling again.. I could have done more. I could have done better, I could have been somewhere else.
Now, when my earlier regrets disappeared, this weaker regrets started to appear. But one day, in this “before falling asleep state”, I had awaking conversation in semi dream. There was I and some sort of entity, angel, fairy, or how do you want to call him. And he asked me, if I regret the years so much, what would I change? What exactly, which situation, when I would behave differently? And in my mind there was instant answer. I would not change anything! Not in a state I was before, with all the information I had. But moreover, I wouldn’t change anything even with all the information I have now. I mean, all lead me to person I am now, exactly there where I am now, and I wouldn’t change it. Maybe small details, but nothing essential.
Yes, there was one thing I wanted to change. I wanted to do more sport :D. Somehow I thing I hoped my past self would get this routine. Girl.. you are so lazy :) 2 days ago