I am pretty flexible…this I know. Life is short. Loved ones are precious and they either eventually die or leave. I know this too. Because I know this I really want and do appreciate what I have. I have no control over what other people feel or do or when they go, however that my be. I know this too. I try not to control other people especially my lover. I am the one who feels controlled. I feel stuck between keeping the peace and drawing that line when it feels necessary in order to keep my own dignity. I do not feel good describing my feelings on the internet, but I also know I am not alone, that other people feel powerless too. I feel even less right about sharing my feelings about my problems with my friends or acquaintances, although, I do share much of it with my mom. She wasn’t always there for me when I was younger, but she is always there for me now and before we run out of time together I go to her for help. It doesn’t solve my problems at home and mom doesn’t have the answers for me, no-one does, but I love her so much and knowing that I can call her anytime and knowing that she isn’t rolling her eyes at me, she isn’t trying to solve my problems, but she is just letting me come to her and loving me and wishing for me to be happy makes me love her more. So if anything, my mom and I are solid.
Now, the reason I am here. I wish I could be solid with my lover. I just don’t know how. I love this person a lot. I don’t need to go into how much…I just do. My relationship is not easy (at times yes, of course). There are times when I am in bliss with my lover. But I get spoken to with a tone and style of language that makes me feel low. To my lover, it seems, this is just an innate way of being. But it tends to be playfully on the bossy, even rude side. I either go with it or ignore it, play back or ask for it to stop. It gets to a point when asking nicely doesn’t seem to work. I ask several times and then I reach a point where a door gets slammed ( by me) or once I tried to explain the feeling of being nagged by softly kicking my foot into something like tap tap tap tap and say that is what i feel like and i don’t like it. I have raised my voice, I have cleared papers and pencils off the table with my arm. I have paced, cried, smoked. I am not pleased with my actions in frustration, but I have never been violent. I have never punched, broken, or destroyed anything. I have never threaten, grabbed or touched my lover. I am explaining this because when I do anything outside of standing there and taking it I get accused of being violent. I do not like getting mad, but I know I am not violent. Before the frustration gets to the door or foot or anything else I try to ask pointedly for whatever is bothering me to stop. Nothing seems to work. We have gotten into fights(verbal) that end in these super uncomfortable repetition of the facts and feelings. But my lover very rarely takes responsibility. If I get mad and express my frustration physically – like slamming the door, then anything my lover may have done to (what I feel like) push me to this point gets completely erased. It all becomes about me slamming the door or asking my lover to go home. Before I get to the point that I will do or say something that I know willnot work I think about the consequences and only get more forceful when it has gone to far for me.I feel like I need to either walk away, which is uncomfortable especially when we are about to go somewhere we both really wanted to go, or let the teasing go on. I really do try to let it go and not take it personally, but it just goes to far. I don’t want to break up. I don’t even want my lover to change or expect a change. I just need to be heard when I’ve said enough. I can take it for a while and even tease back but I don’t want it like this all day long. I guess I am not asking for advice. I know we have the option to break up and I know that maybe I should do this we should do this. I have thought about it seriously several times. I just can’t because I know it would probably be forever. I think we are going to break up anyway ( the decision is out of my hands because even though I should, I don’t want to) and I have tried to reason, but it simply doesn’t matter what I want. I have no control and I need to let it do what it’s going to do even though it is going to hurt like hell. I deserve to be treated better and if I don’t put my foot down then I won’t be. But it seems like I can’t ask nicely, I can’t slam the door and I can’t be the one to make up. Really none of it is in my control…I am tired of getting mad. I am tired of feeling disrespected. I like who I am most of the time, but these petty fights are confusing and seem unnecessary. I try not to, but I just get tested too much. I feel like I fail the test every time… I feel so helpless and sad. I feel good about putting my foot down, I needed to. But I wish I could say enough is enough and have that be respected. I do things like slam the door because nothing else short of breaking up seems to work.
The really sad thing is, right now all of my dreams are coming true and instead of enjoying the fruits of my persistence and labor, I am arguing with my lover over why I slammed the door. Seriously, at times it is just pure frustration. I feel sad, because I know we love each other. I realize something else must be going on, but I don’t want to be the punching bag for my lovers frustration. 4 years ago