I am pretty flexible…this I know. Life is short. Loved ones are precious and they either eventually die or leave. I know this too. Because I know this I really want and do appreciate what I have. I have no control over what other people feel or do or when they go, however that my be. I know this too. I try not to control other people especially my lover. I am the one who feels controlled. I feel stuck between keeping the peace and drawing that line when it feels necessary in order to keep my own dignity. I do not feel good describing my feelings on the internet, but I also know I am not alone, that other people feel powerless too. I feel even less right about sharing my feelings about my problems with my friends or acquaintances, although, I do share much of it with my mom. She wasn’t always there for me when I was younger, but she is always there for me now and before we run out of time together I go to her for help. It doesn’t solve my problems at home and mom doesn’t have the answers for me, no-one does, but I love her so much and knowing that I can call her anytime and knowing that she isn’t rolling her eyes at me, she isn’t trying to solve my problems, but she is just letting me come to her and loving me and wishing for me to be happy makes me love her more. So if anything, my mom and I are solid.

Now, the reason I am here. I wish I could be solid with my lover. I just don’t know how. I love this person a lot. I don’t need to go into how much…I just do. My relationship is not easy (at times yes, of course). There are times when I am in bliss with my lover. But I get spoken to with a tone and style of language that makes me feel low. To my lover, it seems, this is just an innate way of being. But it tends to be playfully on the bossy, even rude side. I either go with it or ignore it, play back or ask for it to stop. It gets to a point when asking nicely doesn’t seem to work. I ask several times and then I reach a point where a door gets slammed ( by me) or once I tried to explain the feeling of being nagged by softly kicking my foot into something like tap tap tap tap and say that is what i feel like and i don’t like it. I have raised my voice, I have cleared papers and pencils off the table with my arm. I have paced, cried, smoked. I am not pleased with my actions in frustration, but I have never been violent. I have never punched, broken, or destroyed anything. I have never threaten, grabbed or touched my lover. I am explaining this because when I do anything outside of standing there and taking it I get accused of being violent. I do not like getting mad, but I know I am not violent. Before the frustration gets to the door or foot or anything else I try to ask pointedly for whatever is bothering me to stop. Nothing seems to work. We have gotten into fights(verbal) that end in these super uncomfortable repetition of the facts and feelings. But my lover very rarely takes responsibility. If I get mad and express my frustration physically – like slamming the door, then anything my lover may have done to (what I feel like) push me to this point gets completely erased. It all becomes about me slamming the door or asking my lover to go home. Before I get to the point that I will do or say something that I know willnot work I think about the consequences and only get more forceful when it has gone to far for me.I feel like I need to either walk away, which is uncomfortable especially when we are about to go somewhere we both really wanted to go, or let the teasing go on. I really do try to let it go and not take it personally, but it just goes to far. I don’t want to break up. I don’t even want my lover to change or expect a change. I just need to be heard when I’ve said enough. I can take it for a while and even tease back but I don’t want it like this all day long. I guess I am not asking for advice. I know we have the option to break up and I know that maybe I should do this we should do this. I have thought about it seriously several times. I just can’t because I know it would probably be forever. I think we are going to break up anyway ( the decision is out of my hands because even though I should, I don’t want to) and I have tried to reason, but it simply doesn’t matter what I want. I have no control and I need to let it do what it’s going to do even though it is going to hurt like hell. I deserve to be treated better and if I don’t put my foot down then I won’t be. But it seems like I can’t ask nicely, I can’t slam the door and I can’t be the one to make up. Really none of it is in my control…I am tired of getting mad. I am tired of feeling disrespected. I like who I am most of the time, but these petty fights are confusing and seem unnecessary. I try not to, but I just get tested too much. I feel like I fail the test every time… I feel so helpless and sad. I feel good about putting my foot down, I needed to. But I wish I could say enough is enough and have that be respected. I do things like slam the door because nothing else short of breaking up seems to work.
The really sad thing is, right now all of my dreams are coming true and instead of enjoying the fruits of my persistence and labor, I am arguing with my lover over why I slammed the door. Seriously, at times it is just pure frustration. I feel sad, because I know we love each other. I realize something else must be going on, but I don’t want to be the punching bag for my lovers frustration. 4 years ago

I wabtb to join the maltiti organisation to help children to go school and i will be commited in doing this activities . Hope to see you 5 years ago

While I love my partner, I loathe his dreams.

They are currently a source of overwhelming emotional and mental stress for me. I’m surprised that I’ve yet to cry, but I’m just about ready to let out a primal scream.

It got so bad a few weeks ago that I was having uncontrollable ticks: hands that shake involuntarily and a crazy intermittent head twitch. It got so bad that I even scared a little kid into crossing to the other side of the road (spent a few days indoors after that one).

Got that under control for a bit but it came back today.

I’m hyper-anxious/ultra-stressed. It’s really just hard to deal.

My partner’s chasing a dream that he thinks will help provide for our family but it’s currently a chaotic mess.

He means well, but the execution is faulty…to a fault. I brought this up to him a few months ago, during a previous iteration of his dream quest but I insulted him. I felt horrible to hear him share his fears and desires about being “The Provider.”

He’s got this cultural hunter/gatherer deal where he feels he needs to carry all the weight (of course, he doesn’t have to). And he carries a great deal, I won’t lie. It’s just that I’d much rather him be more available to me and the children. The consequences of that would be more bearable than what we’re dealing with now.

Did another relationship quiz the other day and not only am I “non-agreeable” I’m apparently a “rude partner.” Holy craptastic, I can’t even lie my way to a good result on these quizzes!

That being said, I need to temper my anxiety (maybe it’s just self-absorption).

I suppose I can let the dream live, though: go ahead and do the “hunter/gatherer” thing. The compromise - hopefully, it’s agreeable - is to abandon this pasture and try another. It’s driving me to madness. 6 years ago

In the past few weeks I’ve had a 180 shift in attitude about some things that I thought were pretty much immutable.

(1) I wanted a medium-sized detached house with greenspace for a treehouse. My partner wanted a multifamily dwelling so that we could rent out the other units. He’s been talking about it for years and now I agree. Not for the rental income but more for ecological/urban living reasons. This is HUGE for me! I figure, though, as long as there’s greenspace, I can be just as happy.

(2) I clean before I organize. My partner organizes before he cleans. I used to make fun of him about it but apparently, his approach is the correct way.

(3) Now I forget what it is but it was just as big in terms of mindshifting.

My partner was pleased with the shift, I suppose, but not as estatic as I thought he’d be (I think I expected fireworks and a light show). I guess he figured I’d come around in my own way eventually. He’s patient and I love him for it. 6 years ago

...as I can’t compete with the World Cup.

Case in point: I was washing dishes and he comes into the kitchen and says, “So, you’re okay?” to just show affection. Ahh, before I could answer he literally sprinted back to the bedroom (almost knocked over the baby, I think he actually hurdled him) to catch the slow-mo replay of whatever the announcer had just finished screaming about.

Despite this, I did my level best to support the cause by showing initiative and getting some flags for the car: Trinidad (the only West Indian team and they tied with Sweden today…Get someting’ ‘n wave!) and Ghana (my partner’s native land)

I came back with Trinidad and Togo (they don’t play for a few days yet)!

Oops…but like every African flag has got some combo of red/gold/green with a star.

Graphic: Top= Ghana, Bottom = Togo

Update: And – in my further defence – Ghana and Togo are neighboring countries. 6 years ago

Was his question today. Oh dear, he’s found out I’m frigid.

Fixed that right quick, followed by exaggerated attempts the remainder of the day at touching him (think crazed fan groping their fav rock star on stage). 7 years ago

...so “Super Power Couple” can’t be that far off.

This is the result of both of us talking to each other more about everything (finances being important to him and companionship being important to me) while making concerted efforts to be on that “same page.” 7 years ago

...he’s exercising now, too.

I found him one morning bending over at the waist, “Did you drop something, babe?” I asked. He looked at me sheepishly, “I’m exercising,” he said.

What kind of old man exercises are those?!?

Anyway, I took out the exercise mat and showed him some crunches that he could try. It was cute and we both agreed that I should probably call to increase his life insurance policy :-)

My membership at “super girly gym” finishes in a few weeks and we’re both looking forward to finding a gym that we can frequent together. We won’t train together (except for cardio, perhaps) but we’ll be there at the same time. 7 years ago

...based on an eHarmony profile for married couples that took me WAY too long to finish yesterday, I’ve learnt that there’s a word for my condition: Non-agreeable

Oh, is that how you say “-itch” in polite society?

Today was the first step in my trying to be agreeable The car seats were not properly installed…again. I buckled my son in his chair (at the time I thought it was installed fine) and let my daughter sit in the normal seat and drove slowly…we were late for school already. But I got mad when I saw that the baby seat wasn’t even buckled down. I mean, if I stopped suddenly my little dude would have flown out the front window!

It took 20 minutes parked in front of the house trying to calm down, and figure out how I was going to agreeably bring up the topic…again.

I did it. However, I must say that sometimes I’m feeling that this is all over the top. And I know feminists both dead and alive are flipping me the bird for my approach to this goal thus far.

I’m still into “Super Power Couple,” I really am. But I need to find a way to go about it that doesn’t have me feeling like I’m over-compromising myself. 7 years ago

This entry has now been renamed: “Project Leave It to Beaver”

I wanted to add this entry last night but I really couldn’t come up with three that I could do consistently. I figure this is worth a stab:

1) Iron his laundry
2) Say “please”, “thank you” and “sorry” more often and more sincerely (the sincerety being key here)
3) Not nag him about his night-owl hours or hold it against him

Hot damn; ALL of these are hard but things that I can do consistently that I think he’ll appreciate.

I’ll see if I’m off my rocker with this “Leave It to Beaver” approach in a month’s time :-) 7 years ago

African (well Ghanaian anyway from what I’m told) culture is such that direct eye contact is sometimes considered confrontational. Or at best formal.

Western culture is different; you look at the person you’re talking to. I used to always do that but haven’t for a long, long time. It’s very passive.

Well, I’m actively into making this a Super Power Couple so as of today I started looking at him. Really looking. Sheez, I hope I’m not freaking him out, but I’m trying to be attentive.

More importantly I’m trying to reestablish a deep connection. One that can only be achieved when I can really see you.

I’ll fill him in in the morning :-) 7 years ago

I’m quick to let the claws come out when provoked. That was Monday and I’ve since said sorry. In turn, he’s been less of a button pusher for some things (Amen, he washed the dishes yesterday).

I notice, too, that he’s since been more vocal about my assertive (read “ultra aggresive”) behaviour. Case in point, I HATE the phone. Yesterday, he passes me the phone without telling me who’s on the line just as I was getting ready to take a shower. I rolled my eyes, sighed lightly and took the call.

Once dressed, he asserted himself (this is rare, people) and said that he didn’t appreciate that.

Hmmmm, okay.

Now that’s actually progress…for him anyway. 7 years ago

Couple therapy. I’m thinking a lot of things are bigger than we can handle together on our own.

I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot. Nagging. I don’t want to be that kind of woman. I never have wanted that. But I think he’s got me on MUTE most of the time. I hate wasting breath…God only gives you so much, you know?

And, yes, I’m trying to consciously create my day. My mood actually, as it’s sort of a mantra that I use (A LOT) during the day. It makes me feel like a Stepford Wife with that painted on smile.

The investment will be significant and hard but the “return on investment”...that Super Power Couple that I think we can attain is more than worth it. A worthy goal but it seems so lofty and out of reach at this very moment.

An objective person can maybe help me assess my issues, his issues and help us move forward with more focus. Right now we’re moving, err, sideways.

At least it’s not backwards. It’s not forward either though. 7 years ago

We’ve dwelled on not being on the “same page” for years and then attempting to progress with life’s daily foolishness using our own approaches.

Much like a dog with two heads, we couldn’t even chase our collective tail effectively.

That was then.

This is now.

Part of my weight loss journey was to “get my head right” and since my partner’s return from overseas a few days ago, I’ve really tried to be a better partner to him.

We spoke on being on the “same page” today: I shed a few tears, he professed his love.

Knowing that I have God’s favour (thanks Joel Olsteen), I’m confident that we can go from “simply stagnating” to recreating ourselves into a true “super power couple” when it comes to dealing with each other mentally, physically and spiritually as well as tackling the world. 7 years ago