overcome my narcissism

My way always,
that’s what I want.
My way fully,
that’s what I seek.
My way above all.
Always.

All the world,
it should be for me.
All the world,
it should go my way.
All the world,
it should be mine.
Mine.

But my way fails.
Again and again.
Frustrated am I, even crushed.
The world, it levels me.
I’m not in charge.
I’m brought low.
My way, it dies.
So do I.

Another way I begin to hear,
even the Way of Another.
Invited am I from within to love,
to let go of my way.
“Follow Me,” says He,
“the better way of My Father.”

Love comes close.
Nothing to lose do I have.
My way I let go
and then become new.
Thanks does too.
His way is now mine.
Your will be done,
not mine.
Better is Your Way.
Come what may.

being so self obsessed is kind of like being in a cage. I can’t enjoy other people. I can’t trust the world and what God is doing for me. It’s like I’m always just watching myself and listening to myself- when I’d talk to someone I would not be listening to them just what I’m saying to them. Even afterwards, I would play it over and over again what I said and did. I am not a Malignant narccisist- as in, I don’t gain any joy out of hurting anyone. Nor have I been very ambitious. It’s just being inside a quiet little cage of mirrors. if anybody is hurt it is those people who can’t seem to get a connection out of me because I’m too caught up with myself. I’m not even that great, nor do I think I’m that great. How “great” I am is up to others to decide and that is something that I’ve never been able to notice.

This is what makes having this behavior so depressing, it is the lonliness. I remember telling someone a long time ago, that I wished that nobody was real, that they were just holograms or like people in dreams. The fact that people are real means that there was a large portion of the world that I didn’t have the ability to deal with. The only thing I knew how to deal with was myself. As a result- extreme lonliness.

Now that God is pulling me out of this, which, I honestly consider a demonically oppressed state, I’m starting to feel the sunlight in others. I’m glad and quite fascinated that they are real. I can find myself not returning focus to myself after spending time with them. Behind all of this is trusting God that everything will “work out”. Because God is taking care of it, and He is the custodian of my soul, I no longer have to monitor and obsess about myself. The ability to enjoy others and to connect to them, perhaps for the first time in my life, is washing over me as the Sun rises. The more I focus on being obedient to God and His word, the more uncomfortable becomesthe demon that keeps my self obsession kindling. Being self serving and being God serving can not coexist. Even though I serve myself out of fear, God takes that fear away from me and as a result I’m free to serve Him and to live the abundant life our Messiah promises us.

But I do have some symptoms and I’m annoying myself and others too.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder:

• Reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation
• Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
• Has feelings of self-importance
• Exaggerates achievements and talents
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
• Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
• Requires constant regular attention and admiration
• Lacks empathy

For the longest time I’ve shot myself down and had so many failed starts in my activities because I thought I couldn’t do something or because I thought the results took too long. I thought I overcame these thoughts after I enlisted in the Army, and for a while I had. I’ve gotten out of the Army 2 years ago and I guess I’ve regressed. I find myself doing it to myself again. I’ve overcome my narcissism before and I can do it again. It’s funny how it took an very recent ex-girlfriend to point out that I’ve become this way (again). I’ve let my fear of Success or Failure, take control of my life. This narcissism actually prevented me from achieving my list of things to do. All the false starts and half assed attempts. It’s time for a change and the time for change is now. I’m putting this on the top of my list. It’s Self-Discipline time