Not be afraid to love

Everytime I am close or able to love someone, I back away. I don’t think I truly realize it until later. Take this past time for an example. There were multiple signs but I could never see them truly. Now he is gone across the world. Forever. I will most likely never see him again.

I have lost him. And I hate that.

on a pier on the lake, on a Sunday in February, he asked me to marry him.

I’ve always run away from my relationships, fearing that its just going to end up badly. I hide all my emotions inside, and dont really like to talk about “feelings”. I’ve only said i love you once, and i did mean it but how can you love someone so much and have them forget about you. It hurts, and this is what i run away from. I’m afraid that that I’ll never find love, but scared to death that i will.

I want to have a relationship for at least 3 months that isn’t so screwed up.
I’m not really looking for anyone at the moment, still getting over someone else. But this is my goal to acchieve eventually.

Today a close friend of mine helped me figure out that Im quite terrified of falling in love.
It’s quite contradictory, on one side I wish to find a man in which to fall in love, but once I find him, I get terrified, and afraid of getting hurt. So I prefer to slow things down and simply be friends (sooo I have lots of friends, but no boyfriend).
....... Now I’m aware of this, soo now I have no excuse to change!!!

This one doesn’t totally apply to girl guy relationships but I was deathly affraid of ending up like my parents, sepparated, misserab;e, and alone. But I’m not them. I had gone so far as to separate myself from some of my close friends because I was afraid of hurting them or getting hurt. But if I don’t love I’ll never feel like my life meant anything to anyone. I have to suck it up and put myself out there. If I get hurt so be it. That’s the hard part but that’ll be just one day compared to the lifetime of happiness I’ll find when I find my one TRUE love.

After my parents separated and filed for divorce almost two years ago I’ve been love phobic. Developing crushes on people that I knew nothing would ever happen with. Even though I’m only 16 it didn’t necessarily mean falling in love just loving period. I shut myself out from everyone and wound up hurting more than I’d realized.