Fail more

Why put a limit to failing when it’s the only thing I’m sucessful at

Or much of one. Not surprising, given that I’ve never drawn or painted before. On day one of the mentorship, I completed the background, painted in the figures and blocked out some colors. To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up with a godawful 4’ x 3’ mess. It was pretty discouraging not to understand what the hell she was talking about and to see how different my canvas looks from those of the other women, all of whom seem to have painted before or are taking to it naturally.

I was there from 10am to a little after 7, with a break for lunch, then drove a few hours in the pouring rain. I was EXHAUSTED and not at all sure that I was right for the program or it right for me or perhaps I’m just incapable and stupid and resistant and, and, and… You can imagine what a pleasant drive that was!

But here’s the thing. I’m out there. I’m doing it. I’m doing it awkwardly and without much skill or understanding. Just doing. I’m getting more information on my legend, which doesn’t seem to be about me yet. It’s so far about a bear, and two girls, and honey and babies and loss and sacrifice and the moon. I’m holding on to faith that it will make sense in the end.

Did I mention that the first day exhausted me? Because it’s been three days and I’m STILL tired.

Rich, honorable, educational failures are sure to be part of my 2008, so I have no worries in calling this goal done. I hope we can all stretch ourselves to failure in every area that matters.

Playing it safe usually isn’t playing at all.

another failure. When I was at the dentist, I noticed that I was really tense although she was just giving me a cleaning. I could have put it down to dental nerves, but I thought about it for another minute and realized that I was full of stress because I had no way to interact with this hygienist, whom I had never met. I had no way to stand out. I was just another mouth. I hadn’t seen before how important it is to me that I entertain others, put them at ease, brighten up their day, somehow be different and interesting for their pleasure and for the ego boost.

Then I thought, “Why not be boring?”

Oh, the relief! My entire body seemed to sink into the chair and I felt muscles in my neck relaxing more than they have in years. In my family, being boring is a serious sin and yet, it felt so good. I decided to be utterly boring. I was. It was bliss. Bliss! Blisssss! I’m definitely failing to entertain more in the future.

I fail at concealing my emotions quite regularly. I’m like a little kid who’s just learning how to lie and is really bad at it. I also fail to keep proper anonymity online.

Then again, a transparent life sounds rather admirable.

_{need to stop being such a darn perfectionist, lol}

can sometimes give you a shortcut to realising something major, something it would take years to realise if you hadn’t ever made the mistake. It’s painful and I don’t enjoy it but… I need to embrace it as an effective way of learning and growing.

My novel doesn’t work. I have an ending that doesn’t satisfy. It’s flabby. The central question is unanswered in the outline I’ve written.

I’ve failed!

Now, on to the next set of exciting writing failures. Each one brings me closer to success. This novel can be easy to write or it can be great. Not both. That means failure and I are going to become good friends for awhile. Right up to the moment that I succeed. Then I’ll give it a long hug and send it poking into some other area of my life where I need to be bolder.

I hope when I die at 84, I have a history full of failures. Far better that than a safe little life in which I never dared, never threw myself into anything full heart and soul.

I had an intimate conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. It was via IM, so I’m copying it below with names changed. It reminded me that I am blessed to have seen failure as a teacher.

“Friend: hopeless and pointless. in an abstract sense, despair is so odd…isn’t it?
Me: It is. I have felt like my life is absolutely pointless.
Me: That my efforts over years have brought me nothing but failure.
Friend: But you are so awesome in the face of adversity!
Me: I remember a night where I realized I had failed utterly at everything that I ever thought mattered.
I failed at my marriage – fatally.
I failed at my career – and was unemployed
I failed at friendship – and lived 3000 miles away from the few friends I had
I failed at spirituality – and was totally alone and without God
Friend: wow, i thought i was hard on ME
Me: It was the worst night of my life and the best morning after. Because I knew I could survive absolute failure.
Friend: wow. you are right
Me: I survived at a pretty minimal level for awhile. I was where you have been/are.
Me: And then, slowly, I added good things to my life. Because what did I have to lose? I had failed at anything that mattered already. So if I failed again, I would survive again. And if I succeeded, I’d be able to really appreciate it.
Me: It was def touch and go for awhile there. The first year after my husband died, I just about let go. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone else, so I didn’t tell people (other than my counselor), how bad it got.
Friend: yeah, it’s very difficult to broach that topic
Friend: people immediately want to discuss it
Me: Exactly! And you’re like someone who’s just lost her skin, walking around with exposed nerve endings. Their reactions are just too much to take.”

I did a background for a collage that turned out really well until I put a wash of color on it that turned out way too dark. So I redid it on top of the old mistake and it turned out too light. I guess I’ll redo the wash of color again and see if it holds on to more of the blue this time. Too failures and two chances to perfect the technique.

I also made some transparent transfers; one from a book and one from a photocopy. They turned out well but I realized I don’t have a piece that needs them. So while it was a success in technique, it was a failure of planning, as I’m sure to lose or smudge them before I think of a use. I thought about cutting out a piece of canvas from the background that’s not working and putting the transparent transfer over the cut-out. It could be cool or could be another failure to add to my honorable failure list.

I tried to do a transfer from a photograph but it didn’t work. Another failure! I do so well on this goal every time I try to create a piece of art.