open up to people

I introduce myself as an open book…but I’m really not. I love talking and I could talk with someone for hours, feel like I’m telling them everything, but I’m really not. My new boyfriend actually pointed it out to me. As he says ”...behind the trivial shit and actually saying what I’ve been through there’s a brick wall reinforced by steel.” He’s studying to be a psychologist so I have been receiving more patience from him than others. I really like him…but I don’t know how to open up. I remember when I made a point not to and it worked…now I want to reverse it and I don’t know how.

When I first meet people, I’m the bubbly happy person. I do fine in short social interactions. Its just when I begin to try and develop relationships with people that I get quiet. I can’t seem to trust people and I don’t talk about myself. I really really like my boyfriend. I felt an instant connection with him. The first few weeks were glorious, unending happiness. But then I began to withdraw. He hasn’t said much about it, but I feel this weird awkwardness. I can’t seem to open up to him. I feel inadequate or stupid when I try to talk about things that are important to me. I just wish I could trust more easily!

I have always been the one to listen. Usually never one to start a conversation, let alone TALK to people about my feelings. There have only been a FEW people I could open up to, and even to them I didn’t tell them EVERYTHING that I want to. There are ALOT of people I would like to talk to them about more than just how was your day? Good! There is one person that may be reading this. I don’t know if you know who you are. I am trying to work on it. I really am, but nothing beside heyy how are you? Thanks? That was fun? Haha. Simple stuff come out. I NEED TO OPEN UP TO PEOPLE!!!! I might just explode! Why can people ASK ME IF I NEED TO TALK OR ASK ME IF I HAVE EVER DONE THIS? OR SOMETHING TO GET ME TO OPEN UP! IF you are reading this, most likely you are someone I trust. So maybe could you help me out with this.

keeping people at a distance. I have always been good at it. In grade school I let a couple people in, but then we parted ways because they went the so called “cool” route, and…well I went the “jesus” route and it backfired in my face. (I guess I’m thinking of one person in particular in this situation)

I’ve stayed somewhat connected with that person, but they’re still stuck in the “cool, party” life, and…well I just want other things. I want to be educated, I want to finish college, I want to be a musician, I want depth…I don’t know….

I guess it’s hard for me to relate to that close friend I made a long time ago….I’ve been without close friends for a while, and…I guess I’m very good at talking to people in more superficial settings. Like, I can talk to people at school, or at work, but when it comes to getting to know them outside of those realms, I get freaked out. I don’t know how to let people in and see me for who I am, and I don’t know how to get to know other people and see them for who they are. It’s so much safer to keep them at a distance.

But then when it comes time for me to be alone, like something simple like doing homework or cleaning my room, a whole wave of negative feelings overtakes me and I start hating myself. Since I joined this website, and posted some of the goals that I have posted, it hasn’t been so bad. However, it still happens. and I shouldn’t feel like that when I’m by myself, because…I just don’t have time to be that way.

So…this condition has improved a lot..meaning I don’t do it as much, but I still do it. more often than not, I’m alone. I kind of set myself up that way because…I guess I’ve been hurt by people. and a lot of my closest friends live far away so I’m used to the long distance friendships, and not so used to local ones.

I guess in posting this goal, I want to push myself to open myself up to the people around me. I know I’ll be surprised by what happens. I’m just afraid of it for some reason. Somehow I’ll have to get over that.

I want to make a new friend by the end of the semester. and I don’t want it to be only for my gain but for theirs as well….I guess I’m new at figuring out how this whole friendship/relationship thing works because I’ve been so bad at it for the past 4 or 5 years. it’s time to break out and try something new.

Encouragement on this would be appreciated :) and I wish anyone who is trying to accomplish this the best of luck, because it’s not always easy.

I need to open up to people about more then what has just happened. I need to talk about my feelings. I need to be happier. I need to find a true friend.

I never seem to be able to tell anyone how I feel (except for my family), and talk about personal things. A few of my friends aren’t the personal deep conversational types so maybe I’m out of practise. I feel like because of my failure to open up that i’m missing out, I’m not getting to know myself fully and others around me. Why is it so hard!