make him understand

he read this.
and i think it made him understand. :]

ugh. why?
he just called. i’m so sick of him.
needy/clingy guys suck. i just listened to the voicemail and he said that he needs to know if i’m going to the concert which he bought tickets for that i never agreed to going to. he said that he’ll find another person if i’m not going to go with him. (i really dont want to)

oh boy. i just think that people need to learn to be very happy by themselves and know who they are before they are in a relationship.

i am not ready for a relationship, i suppose i could say. i’m more in a time in my life where i’d like to just get to know myself and meet A LOT of different people. I don’t want the kind of lifestyle a relationship brings.

How do I make him see this?

ex does not understand. i don’t even know if he ever will.
he called me yesterday and today. sent me three messages. one describing how he bought us tickets to a concert for next month—- which i did not agree to attend. & he told me i was the most beautiful girl and he loved me. and blah. he doesn’t understand anything. i don’t know how to free myself from all of this. it sucks because when he sends me messages like this, it does affect me. and i wish it wouldn’t. i do react. i’ve been crying all night.. and i’m just extremely pissed that i can’t be left alone when i want to be. i may deactivate my facebook. i’m sick of how easy it is for him to just send me a message. i’m not sure. i’m just really confused right now. i don’t like it that someone keeps persisting and persuing. i don’t want anything to be persisted. i dont want to be persued. i don’t want anything. i dont like it that he thinks that the only reason we broke up was because he was mean to me sometimes. that was just an excuse. i wanted to break up because i didnt want a relationship, that just was a reasonable reason for it. i dont want anything! i want to be free! i want to be single! i want to live my life and not have someone by my side. hard to believe, but true.

this is all making me want to flee the country. soon.

or at least, the state.

“My heart is drenched in wine
You’ll be on my mind
Forever”

These lyrics.. are how I feel about a certain someone. When listening to this today, I instantly thought it was very fitting to my current situation.

So be it, I’m your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i’ll know, I’ll know
Baby-I can’t help you out, while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, dont need to say it

the ex has sent me an email saying how he believes it’s about time that we had actual space and that he hasn’t really been “feeding” himself. he’s actually understand. he said we will talk when the time is right. i don’t know how we’ll figure out the time is right.. but i don’t want a boyfriend for a very long time. too much stress; i need to focus on school, etc.

i talked to the second boy last night from around 3 am to 4 am.. i feel i can talk to him about things that i can’t really talk to other people about. he’s not judgmental whatsoever and actually listens. but then i feel like he can do this with anyone and that i’m not special in any way. he has a girlfriend. so, when i got off the phone with him last night, i felt almost upset. i shouldn’t have such strong feelings for someone that already has someone. i can’t think about him everyday. i’m really going to try and not to. they’re both older than me. her being 4 years older than him. she might want to marry him soon or something. i just have to stop. i wish he knew how i felt.. and if he already does know, that he cared. ahh. confusion.

talking to the ex online right now. he called me over 100 times over the whole day. he just logged off saying, “i’m sorry for everything”... and it was so scary having him call me that much today. he doesn’t understand. i just don’t want to be with anyone right now. i feel like shit because he really wanted to talk on the phone and i kept telling him no.. and i just wanted to talk online, but he won’t even let me talk to him on here. so. i don’t know what to do. i’m done.

my exboyfriend has called me around 13 times already today. i haven’t answered any of this phone calls. but how doesn’t he know i’m not at work… and why does he persistently call. if i haven’t answered my phone in the past 3 days… why does he think that if he just keeps calling i will answer. tonight, when i get done with work i’m going to send him a very long email.. and hopefully, it will cause him to leave me alone. i can only hope. it’s getting a bit scary that he’s calling this much.. it shows he obviously has nothing better to do. he should be out getting a job or doing anything productive. but instead, he just likes to call me every half hour. :[ HELP!

Ex still doesn’t understand. He called me twice yesterday when my phone was turned off. Then sent me an email saying, “If you don’t want to talk to me, just tell me. I love you. I think you’re beautiful. Just tell me if you don’t love me anymore. Please call me soon. Don’t assume I’m drunk or high when writing this. I’m not.”

Something to that affect. I don’t feel like calling! I think I have to email him back soon; I just don’t know how to tell him and make him understand without sounding horribly mean. :[ It’s REALLY HARD.

My exboyfriend still doesn’t understand. I finally turned my phone back on to make a phone call today—and forgot to turn it back off. Well, he called me twice during the short time it was on.. I didn’t answer. I actually didn’t hear it ring because I was doing the dishes. But I’m not sure if I would have answered if I was by my phone when he called. I think I’m going to have to write him a really long email or something. I’m not sure. I just don’t feel like talking to him. It kind of makes me sick/depressed when I think about it. Help!

The other guy that I want to understand.. is emailing me back and forth. And I think it’ll be really nice to see him when we get back to school.