Never lose my sense of self

You did it again. Molded yourself around another, when you knew you were the stronger and the better. You let your own wishes get lost in another’s weak tea theories, and you let yourself down. You did.

All is not lost though. Cuz SHE knew she couldn’t handle you, and you know she’s right. She can’t. And that’s ok.

There is another who will know it’s not about handling you at all. It’s about partnering with you, sharing your joys and sorrows, and walking beside you in this jungle of life.

It’s ok. Your friends are around you. Your children are around you.

You are stronger now than ever before. Rise!

1973.

The basis for the EU is formed. The last American soldier leaves Vietnam. J.R.R. Tolkein dies. The largest Arab-Israeli war to date takes place. The King of Afghanistan is deposed. Abortion is legalized. Federal Express begins service. The American Psychiatry Association removes homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. Pearl Buck dies. Pink Floyd releases its album the Dark Side of the Moon.

I am born.

this is the story of my life, of all lives, of women everywhere, and of men too; it’s the story of life in general; of finding something out of nothing; of courage when there is only cowardice, of hope when all you see is despair…

it’s about growing up and moving on, even if you don’t know where you’re headed; it’s everything and nothing at all, it’s grimy and gutter-spun, reaching out for anything, god, anything that’s pure—... Read More

it’s the story of finding something beautiful and turning that beauty into YOU.

I wanna tell you about struggle and fear, and the choice to go on anyway, I wanna tell you about love that transcends the stupidity of living, I wanna tell you about strength that pushes you forward and into life, I wanna tell you about adventures that make you believe…

and then I’ll move on. However that is.

...when I have a partner.

It’s something I struggle with.

‘Cuz I did, once. And it almost cost me everything to find me again.

Now I’m busy working on learning how to hold onto me, the deep, true quiet place inside, and live in this hectic little planet of ours.

It’s a good challenge.

Many religions and belief systems make the self out to be the source of all suffering in the world. Take Buddhism, for example. One of the major goals is to eliminate one’s sense of “I,” the idea being that this is the only way to get rid of one’s suffering.

Personally, I don’t see this as a wise attitude to have. In fact, as I see it, our self-awareness is a precious gift, for it is what allows us to experience and enjoy each other and the world we live in. What are compassion, charity, and love without a self to experience and apply them in interaction with other beings? What is peace without a self to be peaceful? True, suffering emanates from the self, but so do virtue and joy! Without the self, there is nothing. Some find that a comforting concept, or even something to work toward; I do not.

I think that one of the main reasons for our being in this world is to learn how to responsibly exercise our sense of self, to learn to use it to protect, love, and give to each other, rather than harming, hating, and taking. Our world is not perfect; there is suffering and there is pain. However, because we are aware of ourselves and each other, we have the ability to improve the world, to lessen each other’s suffering, and we can use our own suffering to learn how best to do those things.

Trying to extinguish one’s sense of self is an attempt to escape from life, and regardless of what the future may bring, I’m not running away from it. I choose to embrace my sense of self, as well as that of others, for I refuse to scorn the wonderful gift we have been given.

A new season, a new chapter… how amazing life is in the way it subtly and almost without notice renders us defenceless to the winds like a dry leaf and takes us on a journey of change and positioning. The skies once bluish take on a definite shade of blue, the colours shine with deepened vibrancy in the glow of the sun and the north breeze, whilst disturbing the peace of our natural inclinations, soften us to recognise beauty, truth and life. As the thermals life us in silent strength, we realise that the world we leave behind becomes more diminished in size until some aspects of our earthly home are lost from sight forever… it is then time to embrace a new season of change.

But is freedom found in our drifting? Can the vast views of an illimitable sky capture our gaze forever or must we come down to rest? With new horizons in view, what we had always perceived to be freedom incarnate becomes, upon reflection, a fabricated mirror of our own disillusions… true freedom we discover is not cradled in boundlessness, isolation, independence and limitlessness – it is in fact fostered in trust and a strong unwavering confidence in the powerful destiny of our lives.

In the last two months, the underside of my life has been rendered completely vulnerable to the elements of change. Every known reality has been confronted; each tiny seed of trust has been brought under scrutiny and my spirit has been wrenched in every soul entangling emotion imaginable – the equilibrium of life has changed. Letting go always takes a vulnerable-posturing soul-rendering step of courage… to release to the kite strings of forever the aspirations, thoughts, people and places that have defined our lives thus far and position ourselves willingly to embrace the coming winds of change. And yet we must…

The personification of who we are is always delineated between two extreme opposites. Just as the equilibrium of life is always diverging between extremes of environment, circumstances, and states of being – so too do our lives reflect this changing state of adaptation.

We are not two dimensional persons… our personalities reflect a gamut of emotions, interests and sometimes paradoxical temperaments that never cease to confound and perplex those who remain silent observers or bemused participators of our lives. In every way we are multi-dimensional; we embrace unconventionality over conformity, rebellion over obedience, we seek adventure rather than safety, we wear camo army pants and pearls, we dine in fine restaurants but relish the simplicity of a humble meal, we love driving fast, wielding power tools and testing the narrow limbs of life yet become timid in the face of vulnerability, we love exploring the far reaches of the globe but fail to pay heed to the sensitivities of the soul, we admire the delicate simplicity of a dafodil yet ignore the revered beauty of a rose, we climb mountains and attend black-tie board meetings, we espouse philosophies then learn to live them, we converse confidently and intellectually with people of great influence and we posture ourselves gracefully to speak simple encouraging words to the impoverished and lonely, we heighten our stature with heels but love the freedom of bare feet, we are adventurous in life yet apprehensive in trust, we love creating but despise being the object of someone’s creation, we live life at its fastest pace but allow our hearts to be stopped by the beauty of a sunset, we are tenacious in our pursuit of truth yet relentlessly evasive in speaking it, we hate the cold yet love the snow, we break every rule yet in quietude learn submission, we love the game yet are terrified of its demands to relinquish control, we drink scotch yet retreat from social benders, we are fiercely independent yet find inspiration in like-mindedness, we love the heights of competition yet hate the turning of its back, we are methodically focused and yet inclined to spontaneity, cultured yet expressive, wise yet irrational, bohemian yet conservative, disciplined yet free-spirited, impulsively intolerant yet meticulously patient, openly artless yet contemplatively reserved, strong yet compassionate…

Our lives are a complex web of contradictions and paradoxes, there is no formula for their self expression nor is there an imposed ceiling to their eccentricities or unconventionality of behavior… we are unique. Our lives are not always to be understood by ourselves or by others, but they are to be lived out loud. We cannot forsake who we are to simply blend into our environment like a chameleon but neither can we be too brusque, insensitive and inconsiderate in imposing our self-learned behaviors and philosophies on others – therein lies the delicate thread of balance. Immature in wisdom but courageous in my openness to learn I know the journey for me has only just began and a lifetime of learning and growing lies in wait.