Find a place I can call home.

It’s still rough to come home to a tiny room and be blocked in by an obnoxious, needy roommate. But I have my loving fiance and hopes and dreams for something better than what we have. I kicked and fought my way into college, so I know I’m doing something right, otherwise it wouldn’t have taken me so much to get into school. I mean, it took from Jan. 1 till yesterday to get everything straightened out and have me firmly placed in school with my scholarship. I have a place where I feel safe, and thats what home really is.

I moved in with my fiance about a month ago, and yet, I still haven’t come to that total realization of total independence. I still feel like I’m slightly displace din my parents house when I relaize I cant go back to my room and find all the stuff I accumulated there over the five years I spent in the house. I’m getting used to mixing “his” and “hers” into “ours” and waiting for the day to come when distant wedding plans start accumulating into an actual wedding. I’m scared and excited and nervous. But it’s at the point where I don’t feel hesitant to say that I live with my boyfriend where this will really really be my home. My heart is where he is, but its hard to grow up.

I have to say this somewhere…

I think I may be pregnant.

And I’m ok with that.

The boy and I may be creating our home sooner than expected. Even though if I am, we’re giving the baby up for adoption.

Real life is scary.

I have my parent’s house.

this place is where I grew up. My family lives there. And yet, when I went back to visit, I can’t feel anything except that I’m a guest. An intruder, in a passive sense.

I have my dorm.

I really don’t have a sense of belonging here. It’s a little stronger for me, just because my things are here, my guitar, my blue vase, my comforter, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It has a hollow feeling. Like it’s used to people passing through.

It’s odd, is home really a place, or is it just a feeling? I remember feeling at home driving through the roads of Maryland the last time I visited old friends. And I feel at home with my boyfriend no matter where we are, whether it’s his home, or driving somewhere, or sitting on the floor of an old bookstore. Maybe home is a feeling. Or maybe it’s that feeling of love and comfort you get familiar places and wonderful people that makes it home.

Ever since I left home at the age of sixteen I keep finding myself in strange places. I have lived in:

France-6 months
Athens-6 months
Israel-9 months
America-2 years
Bahamas-18 months
London-7 years
Poland-8 years
Bristol, UK-2 years

and I’m now in Dubai!! Is this going to stop? Am I running away from something or running to something.

In all the above places I have always worked and done quite well for myself. But it always seems that somewhere else is something better going on ( the grass is greener…)

I’m thinking that maybe Ghana, India is the place. Oh, Good Grief!!!

I have an opportunity to finally fulfill my last couple of months dream, and that is to move west (I know people do it all the time but not ever doing it, seems different), in the ever popular San Francisco. I have a place to live for a short time and have a few friends there, that I care about alot. But I live in DC which I don’t feel settled in, and that maybe because I have my heart set on this goal. I even have a job offer here as well as an opportunity to purchase a place to kind of call my own. Unfortunatly its all strings attached because of the folks that live close by. But for once I want to do something for me. I am sick of always being concerned about how people would feel about me leaving a job or always letting advice and concerns from loved ones slow me down. I am so young! And I want to start living, not just always doing the safe thing. I am afraid I might regret not giving into my goals. Because moving is only a short term goal and after is what I make of it. I don’t think it has anything to do with San Francisco. I think if I had friends in Keller, Texas I would move there. I just need to get away and breath. I guess the perk would be that it is in San Frnacisco. I am waiting for some sign so that I can make my decision and be in peace with it.