improve my conversational skills

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Great-Conversation

is very, very difficult. But in doing so, I applied a lot of the conversational skills I have learned in the past year. I have to continue doing this. This is a never-ending goal, I feel. What I will do is break it down into its components for future goals, and just try to keep things in mind!

• Once every three interactions or so, or depending on their mood, give some positive feedback or a compliment.
• Support their aspirations, but don’t guide them unless asked. (My fantastic friend guides me a little too much. I sometimes feel squashed. I value her opinion so I ask her, but sometimes she guides me for her own reasons.)
• OTOH, if they’re about to do something that gives you red flags, give them your opinion and state it as such (with gravitas), however, don’t think of it as saving them any trouble. It’s only information that they can apply as they go about doing what they want anyway!
• And finally: ask even more questions. And listen.

Look people in the eye. But not full stare.
Ask interesting questions. Listen to the responses. (If it’s a potential partner of sorts, or a very good friend, silently analyze the responses!)
Be confident.
Let silences happen.
Forget about closing all loops and following all trains of thought.

One thing I have learned: I need to learn to Shut the Fuck Up sometimes. I definitely need to STFU and NOT tell anyone anything about myself on purpose, and if it’s unavoidable, then to keep it light, no opinions please, and never never never argue.

One think I need to unlearn: People are not wholly disinterested in the things I have to say. People like good stories. I can tell stories. Maybe I need a little preparation, or psych myself up. But the stories have to ramble and have no real point to them, I think. Just vignettes.

I still need to unlearn a lot of the “socially incompetent” BS my ex gave me, some of which may be legitimate and sourced well before my ex started brainwashing me that way. (Had my ex been socially competent himself – because our criticism of others is almost always something we recognize and dislike within ourselves, so we accuse others first – he would have seen that I do take constructive criticism, and that there were various legitimate reasons for my behaviours, of which some were perfectly fine and needed no changes, and some just needed a little understanding and helpfulness.)

I need to go out there, tell people stories, ask them questions, give them compliments, shine a light on them…

…and NOT give them my contact information. Just say “bye!” If they’ve asked enough questions of me, they’ll be able to find me if they really need to. I’m an easy person to find.

Because when I go out and have a good time, have a long conversation with someone, and give them my contact information, and feel positive about it, I inevitably feel disappointed to not hear from them later (or again). And it makes me feel like my impression of the social exchange was 100% inaccurate.

This is all-or-nothing thinking. So it’s false. I shouldn’t beat myself up and sap my precious little confidence in this area (confidence that while I’m in the midst of a conversation usually soars a little too high). But I do know there are people out there who go out, meet people, and get called. They often make friends. I… don’t feel like I do. And I would like to.

I got two cheers on this when it was its own separate goal, but as I had no entries on that goal and 18 weeks since an entry on this goal, and they are intrinsically linked, I consolidated.

I think I might be getting better. I have to have more conversations though, the more I have, the better I’ll get.

Resolution: ask my roommates questions!

…you never know whether or how much you’ve improved.

But if you take specific ideas and try them, and remind yourself to try them again, these things count!

i want to improve my conversational skills