get her back

hi am here cus she is pissin me off.

I give up. I guess I’m just not good enough, or perhaps the time is not right, I’ve done alot of stupid things that alot of people frown upon, but she, I hope, appreciates me for, so, I’m going to keep doing those things as long as she needs me to, but aside from that. I’m going to kill myself if I keep trying. So. Yes. I love you, I still do.. But.. I’ve been dragged through the mud for nine months, and I just can’t hold on anymore.

I just went through here and read all my entries, I find it all pathetic, and miserably futile as well. It all fell apart a long time ago? What was the point of having this hope? Only to try and build everything of blocks created only by a shadow of a lie and watch the slightest movement knock the teetering tower down, smash the blocks and crush everything that was built up on and the foundation all together? I dunno, I guess.

But, I did give her time, and space. Months and months of it. It killed me. It destroyed me. It devoured me. No one there for me anymore, just myself, me and my lonesome, but, I must be pretty screwed up if I managed to push everything away like this, eh?

But, she did break up with that guy eventually, and she wanted me again. Lasted a good week, I guess I was just the rebound, because now it sure as hell looks like she’s pointing in his direction, and that only hurts me more and more considering I know what he has done for her, but she didn’t do anything, she didn’t care? Why?...

I give in though, let it all bury me, all I wanted was her, a falasey of hope, diminished and caved in, so to all who are willing to listen. Bury me.

My heart still beats for you, but I’m so sorry to say, it’s only a murmur. You hold my heart. You promised to protect it. But all you did was take from it, did you even known? I can’t hold on, no, not anymore, it’s all gone.. I love you, but bury me. And you have buried me, along with all the ghosts of happiness, a future, and hope, anything I could ever watch, crushed under her grasp, as I merely watched. Lost. Afraid. Dying and cold. This is the end, I always loved you…

I’ve done this, technically, as of October 19th, 2007. But it’s really, really eerie. One day, she says she wants to be my girlfriend, I’m so off the ground that day, that not a thing else mattered to me aside from those words. For her to say that, for her to want that… Again. Everything was great for about a week. Then things started going to hell, she barely ever talks to me. EVER. I’m lucky to see her a half-hour in a two week period. And when we do it’s so distant, like she feels something, but she doesn’t want to give notice to it. She doesn’t want to admit to it.. She’s not sincere with anything she says anymore, she says I love you, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same at all, it’s so empty and cold..

And last week she told me she was going out with another guy, how am I supposed to feel about that? I get upset, and not the way most guys do. I blame it on myself, I cry. She says she doesn’t want to be, but she can’t say anything to him for fear of hurting him. I can understand that, I honestly can… But, she doesn’t realize what that does to me.. How much it hurts me.. It’s killing me inside. Yet she goes by as if nothing is wrong at all. Like everything is just fine.. It’s killing me. It really. Truly is. Most people would say that she is playing me, but I don’t believe that for a moment.. It all just hurts so badly.. I can’t understand why… Why things are this horrid. This painful. Why can’t she see? Why can’t she choose who she loves? Why does she do this….

So, I accomplished this goal. And I was quite happy I did. Yet, I’m in the same predicament again. Very similar situation, but I think I’m going to apply a different approach this time. I love her, so I’m not going to give up on this goal. She means everything to me and I don’t think I could ever give up this goal unless she proved to me that she couldn’t love me. In which case, I would just have to continue being there for her and loving her.

Maybe I’m not quite done with this yet… But. I’ve been talking to friends and the occasional family member alot about the situation(, And I know this isn’t right, but. I still did it. Between her and me, not others but… Moving on…) I also posted on some random anonymous “Answer” site, where you post a question and you get answers to your problem. Well. I posted about this whole breakup, but in very, very little detail. Maybe a sentence to explain it all and… I don’t like what I saw…

All the results I got from the answer sites match with all the things my friends and family have said… That she’s just using me as a scapegoat if her relationship with this new guy doesn’t end up. That couldn’t be true, could it? This is why I killed reason a while ago, it makes me doubt her, and I don’t like doing it, but let’s just follow this for a few monutes…

This morning, my mom supposidly talked to her, and told her how much pain I was still going through, something I have been trying to hide from my ex and I did rather well, but when my mom told her this. She didn’t seem to really care about it aside for the fact that my mom contacted her. Nothing about the pain I’m still going through seemed to phase her. It… It really makes me think. I want to talk to her, ask her about it. But she’ll get pissed at me more likely then not because, for one. I trust her with my life and more, and she knows it, but if I asked this it would be asking something that.. Well, shows no trust at all. And… I just don’t know what to do… Again. She’s with this guy still. But. The thoughts are there, they always will be there, but I don’t think I can talk to her about it… What can I do? Someone please post comments with their thoughts and any possible help. It would be much appreciated…

We talked tonight. It was the first remostely serious conversation we’ve had in… Like I said in one of my earlier entries, time has no meaning. I don’t know how much has gone by since all this has started. Probably weeks, but it sure feels like months, closer to a year…

We talked. And for once. No hurt. At all. Everything went smooth, and… Well. We’re talking again. That’s the part that I’m happiest about, along with the fact that the breakup isn’t bothering her as much as it was.. But, does the fact that we had a conversation without either one of us walking away with wounds mean the breakup is over? I’m going to go out on a limb and say it is. Well… The breakup was over when we broke up. The aftershock then maybe?

But still… We’re talking to each other again, I’m so glad that we are. Even if it is just as friends. As long as she’s happy, well, I’m happy. And I’m going to keep waiting. Even know, the way out conversation went, just from a few points, it suggested that one day things might be how they were once more. And. Well… As long as she’s happy. That’s more then fine with me though.

The future is unmapped and ever-changing, so, who knows. We’ll see. But, for now. I’m jsut glad we’re talking, and that nothing bad is coming from our conversations anymore… So happy… I might actually go to sleep tonight because of it. XD

Things are working out for now. I’m happy. She’s happy as far as I know. So… Nothing else to really say. I think. Except the one thing I always say. I love her, with all my heart, mind, body, soul, and whatever else I can come up with. Waiting forever until the time comes~

I really do think that, I never thought I’d have something like that, but, this is basiclly a blog, isn’t it, or atleast, when it comes to this subject…

I don’t know if I wrote this in earlier entries but. She said she wanted time and space a few days ago. I gave it to her, however much she wants and needs, and then some, however much she wants or needs…

Though, it is really hard to do it. You want to talk to her so badly, but you can’t, you won’t, because you know she wants her time, her space, time to think, or do whatever she needs. But it’s still hard. Especially whenever you close your eyes, she’s there, and when you sleep, she’s all that’s in your dreams. Even worse is when you mind manipulates your dreams into the happiest thing you could think of from the situation with her, yet you wake up and its all blown to ash and all you can think of is how much you hate your head right now for getting you that excited. And the funny part of this is I NEVER remember my dreams, yet now, when it comes to her, more and more, she’s all I can remember, she’s all I think about, and it almost makes me worry if I’m obsessing over it. Which really scares me…

If I do start bosessing over her, and I’m not sure if I am or not. Which would be really. Really bad if I were. But, have to keep myself in line… If I am starting to… Then, I have to do the thing that I want to do the very least of all; let go… Yet, I would if it came to it, that’s not something right to do. I said I would wait, not obsess, and that’s exactly what I mean.

Though. It is troubling.. When you start talking to someone you know likes you and. Well. You don’t feel the same towards them, yet there’s always that vacant thought in the back of your mind that bugs that shit out of you. ‘Maybe I should go out with this person to spite her,’ and .. That’s just. WRONG! In my head and I really don’t like myself too much for having it.. Not fair to her, to me, or my ex and.. .Ugh. Just. Horrible. Though, you almost feel comforted while talking to this person, because, it’s a distraction, and that really makes your mind wander… Is she using him as a distraction? Among many thoughts, all horrible yet the same. And you’re constantly gauging your own reactions and feelings towards her, becasue you don’t want anything bad to come of it, even if the feelings are there, there have been more then one reason guys have gotten into a relationship aside from love, and I don’t want to be one of those guys. =/

My head is spinning and reeling in so many directions, and it’s frustrating. So. I’m trying just to concentrate on a couple of things. Yet. It’s hard. Because without realizing it half the time, I’ll find myself shifting through all kinds of things that occured between us, mostly in my mind, and.. Ya. Bad. I miss her, especially since we’re not talking right now… Io hope it ends soon, but if it doesn’t… I’ll just have to wait and see. I’m still waiting for her, and only her, forever, and nothing less.

Thinknig about it for a little while, forty minutes, not that long at all… Here I am, sitting here, depressed out of my mind, I know it’s all my own doing at that. I. Hurt. Her. After all of this, something that wasn’t even purposeful, but there all the same. I think she’s gone forever at this point. But that’s no reason to lock myself up. Just because I hurt myself… And I did by hurting her, doesn’t mean I should or need to lock myself up tighter then anything else. I gave her my heart and she still has it and knows it. She knows how much it hurts me to see her like this. But, I don’t think it matters right now. But.. .I can’t lock myself up. I Just Can’t. So I won’t. I’ll still be here. Keep building the blocks that I have been ever since I joined this site.. Keep working towards it, even if this goal isn’t something I can accomplish anymore, and I think I can say now it’s something I can’t do. But. I will be there for her, whenever she needs me, or wants to talk or anything. I don’t want to let this end on a sour note, not after all the sour notes I’ve made. All the mistakes and screw-ups have to stop somewhere; and here we are.

Finally. After all this time. I realize. It’s gone forever. I can’t believe it… I can’t, and yet I do, nothing I can do so I’m going to do the one thing I can do, however lame it may be. Go hide myself from the world until the hurt goes away, which all in all contradicts everything I’ve been trying to do this past…... Past…. Day? Week? Time isn’t even something I understand anymore, time went bye, no use labeling it. It’s gone forever, nothing I can do about it and it’s as simple as that. Poof. Gone. Nothing to even suggest that it once was, except the scars, and even those are gone from her. Or atleast it seems. I still bear them, and I will do so alone I suppose. I did make alot of progress today towards several of my goals, but… Now… Fuck it. Who cares?

Yet still… Even after this… I’m still waiting for her…

The more and more time that goes by, the more I realize it was my fault we broke up. I wasn’t open with her as much as I should have been on anything, though it was alot farther in then I allowed anyone in before. And it just really sucks when you know the majority of it is your fault. There are two people in a relationship, and it takes two to break it or mend it, but… It just really sucks when you realize how much of it really is your fault, and there’s no getting poast that.

On my “Things I’ve Done,” list I said I opened up more and put faith in people. I have, and the two go hand and hand together. I opened up, on a level that I never really have for two people. And even though one of them was my ex. I wonder if it’s too late, too late to.. .Not return to what we had, I know how far from grasp that is by now and…. You can just wait, but. She always wanted me to open up more… Is it too late now?

And we’re still talking, and occasionally we’ll get into a serious conversation more times then not, and things will just end up worse then they were when you woke up that morning, not that I have been doing much of that lately… Awake a lot, almost never sleeping, yet needing to even if it’s unwanted, how else will I have a half-sane mind next time we talk? Like this morning… Even though we’ve been in the middle of a very emotional conversation, I woke up at 8:15 and waited for the next time I can talk to her… Maybe it’s not needed, maybe this is why so many people take such a distance when they break-up, but I don’t believe that is the right thing to do… It only finalizes the distance already there. If she wants it, it’s there. Time and Space, however much she needs. But I’ll go on waiting… I still am… Waiting for her next message… Pick up on our conversation, no matter how hard it is, always fearing the worest but that’s just who I am, and I love her, even when things hurt the most… The joy and happiness we shared together outweighs this… Hands down….