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recover from my ED


 

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No Longer a Victim 2 years ago

To the Monster...

I needed something to lean on, someone to help me, and then i found you. Oh, you were beautiful and promised to make me beautiful too. You promised me everything, you promised me love. Love of myself. But now i know who you really are and what it is you really want. And i don’t know if have the will power to fight for it, for myself. So here is a plea, a cry for merci, I’ll do anything to stop this. For it’s not food i’m trying to get rid of anymore, it’s you. I want you out of my body and of my soul. You’ve cost me everything. My sanity, my salvation, my life. But i’m here to take it back. and i’m getting stronger. everytime i walk past the bathroom and turn around and walk back to my room, i’m winning. Everytime i cry alone in my own silent hell, hugging my knees, unwilling to let go of myself, unwilling to let you take me over, i’m winning. And i will win. You watch, someday you’ll come back and try to tell me that i need you and although i might be broken and shattered, i’m still going to say no and walk on. Because right now thats what i need to do…walk on.

-Anonymous



Without Words 2 years ago

I cannot begin to express what it’s like to live with an eating disorder. Words could never fully describe the fear, hatred, and overwhelming sadness that I awake with every morning.

I’ll never be able to explain why I religiously wake up trying to decide if I’ll be eating that day. And if I do decide to eat, why my mind is instantly filled with an endless amount of thoughts about different foods. It’s a high greater than any drug I’ve ever tried. If I decide that it’s a “restricting day,” I start planning what will be eaten and when, as well as what time I’ll be able to exercise. I can’t seem to think of a word strong enough to describe how nervous I become when I think that something might conflict with my plan. What would I do if I have to go out to lunch instead of eating the soft pretzel I had planned, or how will I be able to exercise if it happens to rain? My heart races and doesn’t stop or slow down until I’m assured that my plan will be fulfilled.

Words cannot begin to explain how it feels to be so painfully lonely, even in a room full of friends and loved ones. I can’t describe how much it hurts to crave laughter, but not even manage to crack a smile. I forget what it feels like to be happy, with my body, with my self. I can’t clearly depict how it feels to look in the mirror and not only hate what I see, but despise it. Or how I want to wish it all away, how I want to wish everything away.

I can’t explain what it’s like to think about death and wish it upon myself, that being my only truly pleasurable thought. Or how I think about how easy it’d be to take too many pills or waste away slowly. Even a “freak” accident or shooting doesn’t seem so bad anymore. I couldn’t possibly describe how it feels to know that people would miss me, but not enough. Not enough to take the satisfaction out of dying.

I wish I could explain how it feels to have all of these feelings and know I’m the only one to blame. I cause all of my own inescapable pain. I am my own adversary. I am my own assassin.

-Christine



F*CK YOU 2 years ago

Dear Thing-in-my-mind,

FCK YOU. I hate you controlling every thought that goes into my head. I just want to scream at you “FCK OFF, Go and leave me alone”. Stop haunting every second of my life. Just leave me to decide things for myself. I know you are not really me and you just think this is some fun game. Why do you enjoying fucking with my mind so much? You make me so angry.
STOP waking me up in the early hours of the morning to do exercise that isn’t really necessary.
STOP making me feel guilty if I have a multi-vitamin to suck on because my throat is very dry.
STOP telling me how fat, worthless, ugly, disgusting & useless I am.
STOP putting thoughts in my head all day about whether or not to eat.
STOP making me hate myself so much.
STOP trying to make me control everything by not eating.
STOP telling me that I’m punishing everyone who’s hurt me and not myself.
STOP telling me I’m such a weak person and that I have no self control.
STOP making me cry every time I look at myself in the mirror and
STOP making me judge myself by the mirror and the scales.
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, Just leave me alone… I can never please you enough.

-SD



Dr. Seuss 2 years ago

You have brains in your head
YOu have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose
You’re on your own (well not us !!) And you know what you know
And YOU are the guy who’ll decided where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down,
In that case of course
you’ll head straight out of town

It’s opener there
in the wide open air,
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you

And when things start to happen
Don’t worry, don’t stew
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when youdon’t
Because, sometimes, you won’t

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on
You’ll be left in a Lurch

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump
And chances are, then
that you’ll be in a slump

And when you’re in a slump
you’re not in for much fun
un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right and three quarters or maybe not quite?
Or go around the back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…....

for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying
YOu’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing

With banner flip-flapping
once more you’ll ride high
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!

Oh the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored, there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! YOu’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV

Except when they don’t
Because, sometimes, they won’t
I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too
Games you can’t win
‘cause you play against you

All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone is something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on

But on you will go
thought the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
through the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak

On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that LIfe’s
a great Balancing Act
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft
and never mix up your right foot with your left

And will you succeed?
Yes. You will indeed!
Ninety Eight and three quater percent guaranteed.

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…..
be you name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’shea
you’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
YOur mountain is waiting….
So…..get on your way!



Japanese proverb 2 years ago

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

Even as I want recovery with all my heart, a part of me wants to run back to my eating disorder out of fear. But each time I get triggered, I’ll fight it again and again.



10.04.07 2 years ago

Opened up some more to parents last night. Considering intensive treatment starting in 1.5 wks. I’m scared to death, but so freakin determined cuz I want out of this torturous addiction.



Doing well. 2 years ago

I’m getting so much better about eating! It’s still hard some days, but i’ve been having a easier time.




 

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