learn how to love

I am fully capable of saying and doing all the right things. But all the right words and actions don’t make it love.

Somehow there’s always a place inside me that stops short there.

BE loving. DO loving. SPEAK loving. ACT loving… But that’s all external. It’s all hollow.

Why am I having so much trouble just … LOVING? I can’t even comprehend it—incoming or outgoing.

Why is it so elusive? Why do I fear it so intensely?

Why do I think that if I love, I will disappear and turn into nothing?

anyone.

This has been one of the toughest things to deal with as a teenager. I have a very big heart and would do anything for my family and friends. For some reason showing affection is a very tough thing for me. Even a simple “i love you” to my mom is very difficult. I honestly cant even get into a relationship because of this. I have had my chances but found that im internally not ready. It wouldnt be fare for him, when im just sitting there in a daze. I dont know how to love back and i want to so bad. My desire and my heart is there but my mind isnt for some reason if that makes any sense. Im not a cold person and im not selfish. Im actually one of the most honest and sincere good hearted people you would ever meet. (not trying to be cocky) But this is one struggle that i used to be able to live with but its eating me up inside. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. My mind keeps going in circles.

Well it’s been so long since I set this goal, that over time it has happened and I’ve forgotten to come back and ponder over it. I read once that if you write down a goal you have, fifteen times, each day… then you will inevitably reach that goal. So strangely enough I tried this as an experiment with love. I wanted to love these amazing human beings around me but there was only an emptiness where love should be. So I tried writing it down haha, and believe it or not, it worked. The day it really hit me was one rainy day this past winter when I walked into my college center. I looked at all the people around me, and I felt nothing but love for all of them.. I felt so connected and I realized how much strangers have in common with each other.. but we never think about it. It was an amazing feeling. I believe there are different kinds of love for different people but the root is basically the same, and although it’s not perfect I know I at least have a heart now. Even if it decides to take a short vacation now and then, hahaha. I think the key is to not analyze yourself, but just let go of anything that could possibly be holding you back. Accept the fact that you can and will. Believe it.

I don’t think I know what love is in any form. I just want to know how to love.

A little while ago I’d have thought that I couldn’t love, and therefor I must just hate.
But I realised that I’m not a hate guy, not in any respects. I’m full of love. And I need to find somewhere to channel that love. It’s burning me to not give it out to others.

A short time ago, I realized exactly how dispassionate I have become. Looking at the wonderful people around me, I couldn’t help feeling like I was coming up short of something. I feel that there is a wonderful person inside of me, one that is capable of loving beyond belief and imagination. But at this point in time, that person is trapped behind an invisible barrier, waiting to be set free. Although there are those few people that I truly love, I find myself pulling away from even them and distancing myself. It terrified me at first, but I came to realize exactly why I had become like this. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with being hurt or betrayed. I have lived an extremely blessed life. But there are still things out of place. Realizing all of this was a cold blow, but it has set the wheel in motion to move forward in my life. One of my biggest fears is meeting my best friend and not being able to give back to them what they deserve. True Love.

jesus!
i promised myself i wouldnt let this happen again in my life when i twotimed my bf in highschool.but it doesnt seem to work.thanks to god,i got a really nicelooking guy out of my boring n intense college life.the only things we two are like very very different people,those who should never be together!last winter,i ran into another guy.nice like a gentleman.and better sex skills too cuz he had many girls before.im acting like a kid in front of him.this sucks!and we had been making out for a couple of times.and my bf knew nothing about him.i even cant talk to my closest friend.all my friends hate my bf.nobody likes him.everyone hates him.gosh!!!!and anothers a close friend in our circle.so what can i say? telling them that my boyfriend had been two timed? i have no ideas what to do next.i gotta make a choice.but i am so afraid that history will repeat itself this time.
in highschool,i dumped my boyfriend(i was his first girlfriend.poor guy!)n started dating with another guy.before long,he kept hiding away from me.he had a crush on one of my friends.what goes around comes around.
i dont want to lose both of them!maybe im too selfish and greedy.i never learn to let go.its hard to keep me satisfied.
i gotta stop this.i cant do this anymore.when my boyfriend knocked my appartment door,i was making out with another guy.i feel guilty.