have faith that everything will be okay

soon

I’m non-religious. Some would call me an atheist or agnostic, others a pantheist. All I know is I can’t bring myself to label myself as spiritual or subscribe to all the beliefs of any one particular established religion I’ve heard of so far. But this is one thing I REALLY have faith in. It was about three years between first hearing about the idea and really having faith in it. Here is what it means to me (and my take on it may not be comforting to everyone, but sometimes it is to me):

You have nothing to worry about because whatever problem you are faced with ends with a solution. (That is the nature of a problem. The solution is not separate from it, but the other part of it, just as up and down define each other.) You either fix it and continue with your plans, or the problem destroys the current trajectory of your life and you head off on another path. One set of solutions is positive, the other negative, but one way or another, the problem is solved.

In most cases, no matter how bad the problem you are faced with seems, for some reason you evolved a powerful instinct to survive, and that is going to be what drives you to solve your problem and go on with life. But you know that at some point, in all likelihood, you’ll meet a problem which resolves itself in your death. You may hate admitting that, but there is no getting around it (that I know of), and when you die you won’t have the problem anymore, and the world may mourn you but it will certainly go on, until one day it dies and it will be as if you and everyone else never were.

This doesn’t mean “Don’t worry.” Worrying is natural, so is sadness, grief… When the worry turns to a fear that consumes us, having faith that everything will be okay is the relief. Existence is a strange blend, a state where opposites are inextricably linked, and it’s just going to do its thing. Existence is going to be violent and peaceful, happy and sad, black and white, up and down, off and on, everything and nothing, the same as it always has. Whatever God is, your existence now is proof positive that God will take care of you, God will always find a place for you to be or not to be.

Worrying and being able to solve your problems are really just tricks you play to engage your interest until you come to the point where you can no longer find things interesting or boring.

When I get depressed, these are the thoughts that pass the time now, because generally I get depressed about things that don’t need me to directly worry about my survival or comfort. I think, “Now I am in the trough of the wave,” and I think about the ocean of crests and troughs to come. But there is a time and a place for this sort of passivity, and you’ll know it when your mind insists on it out of exhaustion. Just because everything will certainly be OK doesn’t mean you should squander, give up, or ignore the faculties you have that can help you deal with your problems.

Whatever happens,everything allways turns to better! :)

My mom keeps telling me that everything’s going to work out. But here I am, so close to graduating from college and…I have no prospects for the future. If my aunt can’t get me a job at the passport office here, I have no idea what I’ll do. Probably work two to three jobs with little or no benefits that I hate just to make ends meet. Thinking about the possibility of doing that for the rest of my life isn’t all that uplifting. It makes me wonder if I was ever supposed to make it this far.

I have my green card interview in a couple of days’ time. We’ve been busy putting together masses of photos and documents to prove we are a legit couple. I’m nervous and I really hope we just sail through it. Fingers crossed. This whole immigration thing has been hanging over us for a couple of years; it will be so good to have this box finally ticked. :)

Do I want everything to be okay? Yes

Do I have the faith everything will be okay? No

Life and people will fuck you over either way about it.

I know life is good. I know there are good things and good people in my life. But even the best things can fall apart.

I’m not very good at having blind faith. I guess I need some stuff to work so that I can have faith that the rest will come together. But right now, not much is working. Hmmm.

Keep the faith keep the faith keep the faith.

I’m not very good at having blind faith. I guess I need some stuff to work so that I can have faith that the rest will come together. But right now, not much is working. Hmmm.

Keep the faith keep the faith keep the faith.

I feel I am making progress on this front. I have been in a bit of a funk for the past few days, but feel like I am out of it now and ready to tackle the world and my goals again.

In recent weeks and months I have watched myself move along, out of a deep depression to a state of mind that feels a lot more human. My relationship is more peaceful. My job situation is still going nowhere but I am gaining the strength to tackle my fears and am hoping to be able to turn a corner by Christmas. (If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen, but that is my hope.)

In some ways life still sucks and I’m still very frustrated. But I am learning the art of acceptance and patience, and am impressed by my progress.

I am accepting the things I cannot change, and doing my best to make progress and take steps towards my goals. Of course, I slip back every now and then but there is definitely more peace in my heart. There are more moments of happiness and that has to be a good thing.

this would be so much easier if I believed in God.