It’s hard when our gut desires are not necessarily compatible. I’m talking about when it comes to the subject of where we want to settle down together. We both kind of know that we would each rather be in our own countries but, assuming we want to stay together, that’s not really possible.

The key here is the ‘conscious choices’ part. Being conscious can be difficult when there are truths you don’t really want to face up to, difficult decisions you know you’re going to have to make but want to avoid making.

We hadn’t really talked about the subject that much until a week ago. It was pretty emotional. But at least it’s out in the open. It would be much worse to get to the point where we have to decide and not be prepared for it. I’m nowhere near feeling resolved on this issue, but the conclusion I drew from our conversation last week was that whatever we decide, we have to approach it positively and neither of us should feel like the victim. If we decide that we’re going to live in my boyfriend’s country then that has to be a decision we make together and if that’s what I decide then I have to be clear within myself that ultimately that is what I want, given the situation, given that things can’t always work out in the most ideal way. 4 years ago

Currently, our thoughts are bound up in the not-too-distant future and our plan to move to live in London for two years beginning next summer. This plan is fraught with difficulties mainly because it’s something that I want to do, that my bf doesn’t want to do so much.

My desire to live in London again has two components: I want to study for my MA in English at the same university where I did my BA, and I feel that, after about four and a half years of living in Israel (where my bf’s from), the time has come to attempt living in the UK (where I’m from). We’re both aware that in the next few years we’ll have to decide where we’re going to settle down permanently and I believe that we won’t be equipped to make that decision without living together in each country for a reasonable amount of time.

Although my bf can understand my arguments, he is also afraid that it will be difficult for him to find satisfying work in London. He is a software developer and wants to further his career in the next few years. He’s worried that he will be at a disadvantage in the UK job market, partly because we’ve seen little evidence so far of the existence of the kind of job he is looking for, and partly because he’ll be a foreigner, unfamiliar with the protocol, and with qualifications that, although recognizably stunning here in Israel, will not necessarily be recognized as such in the UK.

He’s also worried that he won’t be able to handle the cold grey weather and the city atmosphere (he’s not a big lover of cities).

Both of us are also aware of the fact that this move will be expensive at a time when one of the most important things for us to be doing is saving money for the future. And it will be another disruption to our lives just when it seems that things are starting to settle down and become more stable.

So, all in all, we’ve been feeling very ambivalent about the whole thing, and that’s without even going into all the emotional and psychological issues involved!

Fundamentally, I believe that the move is the right thing to do. On the most primal level, I feel that I have made compromises and sacrifices by living in Israel for the last few years and that I would probably end up full of resentment if we decided to settle down here without even attempting to live in England. And, of course, I miss my family and friends back home.

It is situations like this which make this goal challenging: what to do when our desires do not coincide? It’s not that my bf refuses to make the move; it’s only that, at the moment, he is mainly seeing the negative implications of it. He understands that he’s not really in a position to fight me on this, but it’s clear that he would be much happier remaining in Israel. Although, thankfully, not at the expense of my happiness!

I expect what I have to do is just be really clear that I think that this is the right thing to do, while at the same time sympathizing with my bf’s concerns and doing my best to be supportive throughout the process. I think a lot of his fears spring from a fear of the unknown and that, as soon as we get going on the concrete logistics of it all (me applying to the university, getting him his visa, examining the work options etc.), it will all seem more manageable.

This weekend we’re going to sit down and talk about everything we need to do, make priorities and decide on our next actions. I’m optimistic that getting down to business will help. 6 years ago

At the moment most of our plans are taken up with our approaching move. In about three weeks we’re moving to a beautiful flat not far from where we’re living now so we’ve been listing things to do to prepare for the move, made a plan of when we will be packing what and what we need to buy for the new place, and have drawn plans for the arrangement of the furniture and pretty much designed how it’s all going to be decorated. We’re such geeks!

But it’s pretty fun, and given that we’re only going to have five days between moving and flying off to London, we have to be as organized as possible so that we’ll be able to return from London to something that actually resembles a home, rather than the town dump.

This week we want to organize movers, obtain some esoteric bond thingy that our new landlord wants, arrange to take on the council tax in the new place and get building insurance. At the weekend we going to Ikea to buy a new bed because our current one is just plain ugly. Then we’ve got to paint some furniture and pack up our stereo and the contents of our desks. When will we have time to breathe?! 7 years ago

So, my boyfriend made his list of goals that he wants to achieve within the next five years and we pooled our lists to come up with a list of shared goals.

We then started to make lists of tasks for each goal. Some of the goals require very definite action items such as ‘Make a financial plan for the next year’ while others require a more generalized, subtle approach such as ‘Choose according to what we believe in, and with love.’

At the moment we have eight shared goals on our list, but as we break them down they will probably multiply and become more specific. We are taking time at the weekends to discuss and make plans, and time during the week to follow-up and talk about how well we think we’re doing and what, if anything, needs to change in our approach.

At the moment, our most immediate and practical tasks include me making a list of things that will help me feel more happy and settled in Israel and a plan for how to approach them. My boyfriend is going to make a list of things that need to be done with regard to our move to London next year. We’ve got a financial plan which will be valid until the end of this summer.

The next thing we need to do is probably to prioritize the tasks and see which ones we need to approach as a team and which ones are more suitable for us to approach individually. 7 years ago

This is something that my boyfriend and I both want but I think we both still need to work on putting it into action. We need to plan our future together. I’ve made a list of all the things I can think of that I want to do or achieve in the next five years and I’m going to ask my boyfriend to do the same. Then I want us to compare our lists, see what we may need to compromise on and what steps we need to take in order to make our goals become reality. Later, we could move on to even longer-term goals. Or shorter-term, more detailed goals… 7 years ago