recover

Primarily because I realized if I never do counselling, I think I will be ok. If it happens that I will be doing admin work for the rest of my life (which is I think unlikely), I will survive. I have a good job, a good pay, an awesome husband and the list goes on. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to get a job in counselling, but this time I will be more resilient to failure.

So far still at the stage of explaining to the colleagues that I have failed the interview… 12 more to go! So far only one sly smile. I can do this! Who cares what others think of my incompetence! Go me!

I’m bitchy about it. I should suck it up, but I’m bitter and bitchy. And I really hope I will nail some fantastic job very soon and will blow away my managers. Ahhh I can only dream of them begging me to stay! Sweet revenge!!

_{umm yeah right}

I started applying for other jobs. In other companies. I’m not too sure I can change who I am to better fit this position, might as well look elsewhere.

I have recently ( 2 days ago) failed at a job interview. This was a shock to me and my friends, since this position was “promised” to me months ago. When I was hired they mentioned at the interview that they will transfer me as soon as there is an opening, since I am overqualified.
I am working for the same company at a lower position and was dreaming day and night of transferring to this new position. The new one is more challenging, interesting, and for which I basically did my M.Ed. I even got trained for it by the company, and yet, I FAILED the interview. I was traumatized. I am still in shock. I was trying to figure out why in hell would this happen to me.
I was well prepared. I am qualified for more than this new position had to offer. I had the training for it damn it!!!!! The person that got the job is not even bilingual! (the position states you have to bilingual to obtain the interview)
I wondered if it was due to my incompetence or the corporation playing an unfair game? Both or neither?
Either way I felt incompetent. I felt there is nothing I can do in this field, since they think I don’t even have the basic skills. (But I DOOOOOO!!!! My internship was ten times harder than this job and I rocked at it damn it)
Today Im returning to work for the first time, since the announcement of me not getting the job. Which was this Thursday. I will have to face my colleagues who are all expecting my transition to the new position.
Most of all I have to face myself and figure out what the hell is going on? Who am I? This feels like twilight zone.

I have to write this down, so I remember how horrible it all was.

Maddie was born by emergency c-section on 10th of April 2009 at 3.32am, Good Friday actually. Prior to me going into hospital to be induced I was told that I would only be allowed to go through a “trial of labour” which would be 6 hours, any longer and I would have to have a section. I was in labour for 16 hours.

I also specified on numerous occasions that i didn’t want syntocin administered whilst i was in labour as according to good practice guidelines the administration of syntocin in a woman who has had a previous c-section can facilitate tearing of either the old section scar or any adhesions internally.

I will not even attempt to make a guess at the real reasons behind what happened but I ended up with a tear to my bladder which was adhered to my uterus resulting in a fistula. Incredibly Common in Africa, almost unknown in Western medicine.

I am now recovering from a major repair to both my bladder and my uterus, I now have the most ugly scar on my tummy, we don’t know if we will be able to have more children, my daughter is 14 weeks old on Friday and I am celebrating my first week without a catheter since she has been born.

I won’t go on about how awful it is, because it is awful, it should never have happened and I have missed out on so much during the last 3 months. My life has been turned upside down by all this and right now I feel numb about it.

I am grateful that Madeleine is perfect, I am grateful that my husband loves me and has taken such good care of his family, especially me for so long now, that he has been able to take time off work and that he has wanted to.

However this week it is gone I think mainly because of my commitment to stretching and exercise. Maybe it is just a build up of inactivity or was a virus or a disorder which will come back. For now I am going to be positive and mark this done and hope for the best.

going to lose this weight get a bit fitter then reassess the situation.

But I don’t think it is going to kill me. Yesterday felt very bloated when I hadn’t eaten very much at all. Still get ‘hip’ pain and had back pain yesterday too. I am going to lose my excess weight and then if it is still happening maybe I start to think about how I can deal with it.

Last night I had some hip pain but it may just have been from inactivity. I’m not sure I can live a life without sugar but it seems to have a really bad affect on my body.