Regain my self-esteem

Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m laughing because I’ve realised that this is the most pointless goal ever. One week I feel like I’ve completed it, the next week I feel like I’m back to square one.

I just wanna feel like I matter, you know? Like I have an actual purpose in my life, and that I’m worth something. Worth more than just a daughter or a sister or a best friend or a lover or whatever.

I am SO happy right now I want to shout it from the rooftops!! WOOOHOOO!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Expect more of this when exams are over.

JOY! So much JOY!

I keep randomly crying for no real reason now. It’s really odd, I have all these emotions just waiting, bobbing near the surface, and occasionally they’ll just spill over. It’s things I’ll worry about anyway but I can usually deal with it, you know, the stress of work, relationship-ness, family and friend problems and so on. I think it’s mainly to do with the relationship-ness but the fact that exams are looming really doesn’t help, and the stress of worrying about whether I’ll pass or fail and how much work I should have done and still have to do is beginning to affect my work now. I can’t seem to concentrate, there are too many feelings that well up inside me. Everytime I think about them or let them get to me it becomes worse, I can’t seem to focus on the positive things in my life properly. It’s not to do with how often he texts/calls/sees me anymore (though obviously that does help) but it’s like my perspective on things changes all the time. Sometimes I won’t mind that I haven’t seen him in a while and then an hour later I’ll start really missing him and want to see him. I wish I could just go over there but he’s got tons of work and I don’t want to disturb him in case he’s in the middle of stuff. I would so hate it if someone came over unannounced while I was working and stressed out!

I have very low self-esteem. I am not proud of who I am. I am not pretty enough, I am not smart enough, I am not secure enough, I am not sporty enough, I am not relaxed enough, I am not happy enough, I am not good enough for anything or anyone and I hate that in all these years and after all the help I’ve had, the way I feel about myself still hasn’t changed.

Since my last entry about this goal, I have progressed in regaining my self-esteem to a certain extent. Full-scale freakouts only occur every so often now, say once every couple of weeks or so, and I feel less guilty about problems that arise due to my own idiocy. The excessive apologies thing hasn’t completely gone away yet but I will hopefully get there eventually!

Anyway, onto my point for this entry. I have this boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful and I love him so much, but at the moment he’s snowed under with work and I can’t see him as much (it is relevant, I promise). I don’t mind not seeing him as often, that I can deal with because everyone has stressful times and he needs to get on with his work at the moment, which is totally understandable. The thing is, I can’t seem to keep on believing that he loves me and wants to be with me. I do occasionally, like after I’ve just seen him I feel all happy and great for about 2 days, and sometimes even longer if he texts or calls, but after a while I start to feel down and worried. It’s really not him, he’s making an effort to text and stuff when he can, so I think it’s just me. The whole problem basically continues on from last time, when I couldn’t understand why I didn’t BELIEVE that the other guy wanted me. It seems to be really hard for me to accept that I have a boyfriend who actually gives a damn about me. This of course then messes with my self-esteem because I keep thinking that I’m not good enough and that I have to be better, a better girlfriend, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister. I was wondering if anyone out there had the same problem and if they could give me any advice about it. Is there anything I can do to help me keep on believing that he loves me? Is there anything I can do to help me believe that I am worthy of his love?

There is an absolute guarantee that I will worry about something every single day. Worry, by the way, means full-scale freakout, involving anger and possibly tears. I have no idea why this happens, it just seems that things happen to me that involve stress on a daily basis. Abnormal amounts of stress, for some reason.

Most of the things I worry about only occur as the result of my own idiocy. This morning, I spoke rudely to a friend of mine and I haven’t been able to forgive myself. On Wednesday last week, it was another friend of mine’s birthday, and I didn’t remember until Saturday night, so I panicked about that (especially when she didn’t pick up her phone and I thought she was uber angry at me). On Friday night, I embarrassed myself and was generally an idiot in front of the guy I like (whom I have previously mentioned). I was drunk, and of course then you can’t stop your mouth saying the truth. The most self-deprecating comments escaped my lips, phrases like “I know you don’t really want me” and “as IF you think I’m pretty”. This guy in a bar came up to me and said hi when the guy I like was in the loo, and of course I immediately assumed he was chatting me up (thus I arrogantly claimed that the guy I like would kill him when he came back), only to be told that he was just saying hi cos he noticed I was tipsy and probably about to fall over. Then when the guy I like did come back, the guy at the bar explained all this and they started laughing and joking around, making me look like a fool. Fun.

But I honestly do believe what I was saying. I DON’T think that he wants me and I DON’T think that he thinks I’m pretty. I AM incredibly vain for believing that every guy who talks to me in a bar wants to get into my pants. Same as with everything else. I AM a horrible and cruel person for forgetting my friend’s birthday. It’s just my own sheer stupidity that creates these awful problems and I can’t stop beating myself up about it.

If anyone reading this would like to give advice, please do. If not, thanks for listening anyway.

At the moment, my dad is going through his second divorce and the news seems to have shaken my confidence slightly. My self-esteem has deteriorated again…is it just me or does anyone else out there not believe people when they praise your good qualities, but are perfectly ready to accept criticism and blame? For example, this guy I quite fancy apparently really likes me and wants to see me and talk to me, and he does tell me so, but I just can’t understand why. It’s not that I’m fishing for compliments, I genuinely don’t understand why he feels that way. The advice I’ve already been given is either “well, he likes YOU, not some blonde skinny model, so be happy for yourself” or “of course he wants you, you deserve even better than him anyway”. So I don’t particularly want to be told those things again, especially when they’re not what I’m asking for. I don’t wonder why HE wants me, it’s why I don’t BELIEVE that he wants me. I can’t understand why I have such a lack of faith in myself and my abilities. I’d really like to go on anti-depressants but I’m not sure whether that would help much.