to trust in the Lord in all matters.

I wasn’t listening. Or at least I wasn’t listening to her. I allowed myself to be confused by her words and my fears. I listened to the voice of the enemy. I want to make things better. I just don’t know how. Please help me reflect and find the right words to make things better. I love her so much.

I brought her to the emergency room Thursday afternoon. They don’t know what is wrong. They have ran so many tests. The doctor was in this morning. She said that she had not had the time to review the file and would get back to us sometime today. They have narrowed it down to her kidneys.

I have a friend that is appearing in front of a judge to ask for the emergency protective order that was put against her husband, the father of their four children, be extended. A couple of us are going to be there to support her. Part of me is afraid. Having been married to men that were abusive I know what they are capable of when they are angry. I also know what it feels like to be in front of a judge and have no-one sitting there behind you. So, if any one is reading this about 9a.m. central, send up a couple of prayers for the people down in room 158. For the children, my friend, the judge and yes, even her husband.

his strength is making me stronger. God smiles on my little brother, inside and out he’s better than I am.”
Taylor Swift
A very young friend of mine brought this song to my attention. You never know where your inspiration is going to come from. My younger brother is having such a hard time right now. We were so close as children. We moved around so much that we didn’t really have a choice. It was “us” or no-one. We had a fairy-tale childhood. Then all of a sudden we all got old enough to get hurt just in time to leave home all at the same time. Our family was fractured. We all went out own ways and now, when we need each other the most, we are the farthest away from each other. My best friend told me that it is the daughters that bring a family back together. I hope that is true. I am sure going to try. I miss my brothers. My parents miss my brothers. I am hoping that we can all forgive each other long enough to remember that we are the only ones that can “remember when” with each other when it comes to way back then. I love you Shawn and Noah.

I feel like my old self. Even if only my friends understand what I say; that alone will be enough. Thank God for my friends!

killed another in order to continue to return to the “happiest period of her life.” I’m thinking “WOW” on so many levels. Then it hits me, what would I do to get to the happiest place in my life? I start to think of this. When was the happiest point in my life? It is now. IT IS NOW! Even with all the shit that is happening now; this is STILL the happiest time of my life. I had a very dear friend tell me that it is when you are on the front lines that you are hit the hardest. Thank you Dana. “I can do all things through him who gives me strength. We are STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THESE PROBLEMS. WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT FOR THE HAPPINESS THAT SURROUNDS ME EVEN IN CRISIS. Maybe it’s because of the crisis that my strength is made even stronger. Or maybe it’s because I believe the battle has already been won. I believe. I believe!

I’m looking at the page and I have nothing. Nothing to put down. I have so much inside of me. Why do I have nothing to put down? Come on Kym, open up. Let it out. Today is a new day. Today is a fresh start. I can do better today.

“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere beyond the morning.” J.B. Priestly

I could use a bit of magic today Lord.

Today was a really tough day. MM and I fought all day. We never do that. Just when I think I’ve got everything figured out I realize that I do not. I can’t find the right words to talk to the people I love the most. How did this happen? How did we get so far apart? When did my words and my tears start to mean so little to her? When did he become so mad at me? I really am doing the best that I can Lord. Will that be enough? Then when you throw in the medical shit… it’s almost more than I can carry Lord. I feel stretched so thin that if a mere spec of dust lands on me I will disintegrate into moon dust. I’ve said all my life that if you are doing the best that you can with what you have where you are that it will be enough. I’m trying hard to recognize the voice of the enemy right now but it is hard. I can’t seem to make things better. Maybe the point is that I am not suppossed to be the one to make them better. Maybe You are. Is this where I am supposed to surrender and tell you uncle? I’m crying uncle Lord uncle! Please help us.

I sitting here and I don’t mind telling you that I can not remember feeling more frustrated than I do at this moment. Relationship-wise that is. I guess I feel the urge to define that because I’ve battled addiction, I’ve let the world know about it and I don’t want them to worry that THAT is the problem. No, it is much more complicated then that! It has to do with the heart. The untold mysteries that it entails. Like how the man that has held my heart in the palm of his hand for the last ten years can sit there and double-talk me like I’m a stranger on the bus? “Hello, it’s me; the one who’s been here all the time? Who do you think you are talking to? I’m telling you how I feel and that counts. My vote counts. I’m just saying…”
Cool, I feel much better now and when tomorrow comes and I’m not so frustrated I’m going to tell him the same thing.

I need to remember that He is in control of it all. I need to remember that as long as I am doing the best I can with what I have where I am then I am doing enough. On (as a good friend urged me to do)to more positive thoughts.