let myself feel

i have to let myself feel happiness. because i don’t. i am so afraid of being happy, well really, losing that happiness. past experiences have left me quite pessimistic so when anything remotely happens that should make me happy, i refuse to acknolwedge it. I tell it to go away and make myself miserable again.

this also means that I have to stop trying to distract myself. I tend to call someone, or divert the topic, or just try to ignore how i’m feeling. which also goes along with finding more time to myself. and not running away. mainly its scary. but i guess i just need to start slow and even time myself 3 minutes to just sit and feel and dwell, but only for that time period, without any distractions.

this is scary

Okay so I used to squish my emotions. Well now I let them out, the problem is, I don’t know what to do with them. I either get myself so worked up that I make myself sick, or I do something stupid like call the person I am upset with, which just makes everything worse and doesn’t help me deal with my own feelings at all.

Writing them down is the only thing that makes me feel better, but it doesn’t seem like i’m solving anything. Perhaps I’m just too impatient.

Physically we react pretty much the same way to every situation.
Your heartbeat quickens, you start to sweat, you breath deeper, your pupils dilate, your mouth goes dry. What emotion am I describing? Lust? Anger? Fear? Nervousness?... Thats just the point, its all the same. The difference is all in our cognitive processes, what we think and what we decide to explain the reaction as.
Maybe any emotion I’ve ever felt has been caused by something completely different to what I thought.

Its all just a chemical reaction, so what the point?
Why feel shitty when it doesn’t really mean anything?

This one thing on your list is the root of all the rest. Feel your feelings, continue to journal them. For now, just get it out. When you are ready to look back on them, the work will begin. Something has happened to you to make you so filled with this rage…for yourself. I am sure you are a beautiful person becasue you have the desire to better yourself and you want to be happy. Stay strong, your purpose here is great!

Right now I feel extremely worried. And angry. I hate him! Why does he get to be there to look after her? Its not fucking fair!! She’s my sister and I love her more! I should be there for her right now.!! I hate him, right now. I should be there!!

Should I let myself feel that? Anger, hate, fear?! I’m so afraid of whats going to happen, of the thought she wont be OK. I’m so angry that I’m not with her. And I hate him so fucking much for being there when I cant.

Its not fucking fair!

I’m not doing that well with this goal. Yesterday I did something completely contradictory to this goal… and another goal actually. I was on the tram on the way to my dads with my sister. We were talking about her but something she said just made all of my issues at the moment flood back over me. I didn’t feel like talking about it, and we’d be at our dads house soon. There were tears swelling in my eyes but I squished the feeling and they went away. It was a classic example of what I do, although normally I wouldn’t let it progress to almost tears.

I cried last night. I’ve been crying more than normal lately, I cant shake the crappy feeling I’m getting. Maybe this goal is not a good idea at the moment, maybe I’m feeling too much, too often, too strongly. I don’t like the place I’m in, I feel shit most of the time, and its not at all like me. I’m usually the chilled, happy one with no problems. And to everyone else I probably haven’t changed (I’m good at hiding my feelings). But I feel wrong. I’ve lost the person who I was and I have no-one who can help me.

I suppress my emotions. Well, the negative ones anyway. I am very good at it. But like most people I tend to explode every now and then. Till recently its been fine that way, I’d cry myself to sleep every now and then and for the rest of the time everything is great. But people always say its a bad thing and they’re probably right. This time my ‘explosion’ has been a lot less short-lived. Maybe my problems are more real now.
Also when I have my emo-fests I beat myself up for it. I hate myself for being upset about my life when it is SO good. My problems are so insignificant and pathetic. Maybe if I feel emotion when I have them instead of when I explode they wont escalate into something bigger and I’ll get over them easier.