be in a realtionship

..and I don’t say that about many things. even though I am not in the relationship anymore I’ve realized a lot of things about myself. I’ve discovered who I am and who I tend to become when I have someone in my life.

Do I want to do it again?
Not anytime soon, right now I just want to focus on myself for a while.

If it happens will I go into a relationship again?
Of, course. The lonelyness came back but it’s just a lot more bearable knowing that there was someone that loved me.

...I love being in a relationship. Whenever I’m bored I don’t spend it alone, anymore. Honestly haven’t spent that much time alone lately.

Do I love him?
I ask myself that question everyday. And so far I’ve been coming up with no. I don’t love him. It doesn’t mean I woun’t love him if we take time. IT’s just not yet.

I don’t want to hurt him, being in a relationship, makes me edgy i wonder if he’s not in the relationship because of me or because he doesn’t want to be alone.

He makes me feel loved, he makes all my fears disapear.

The thing about not knowing if I love him is because I’ve never been in love I mean how do you say something is love if you don’t know what it is?

...can I make myself fall for someone that doesn’t necessarily exist I mean what’s so bad about that? I know I’m setting myself up to fall for sure.

But then acrording to many people I am in a somewhat relationship with a broken up guy. LOL. I seem to keep falling for guys that well aren’t doing so well in the emotional department.

It happens everytime so this time I’m planning on letting myself fall, it’s a plan maybe not a good one but it is.

My mother isn’t helping matters cause the guy that doesn’t really exist does have a name and he is a person. I knew him a long time ago and well maybe I dind’t know him well so falling for him but not really him.

Well back to my mother not helping me well she said I can invite him in a couple of months to come to canada, well that is either gonna break me or maybe just maybe things can happen the way I want them to. I don’t know what I’m doing not anymore I’m more confused then ever, and I guess this is the way it’s supposed to be.

...I went on a date my first date anyway and it didn’t go well I mean nothing happend but having the guy u’re going on a date with insinuate all the time that he wants to _fill in the blanks.

He even suggested we get a hotel room which made me go like NOOO I’m ok then he drove me home after the movie and well we parted ways and it was ok. But the moment I knew he wasn’t gonna cal me again and he didn’t he took me off him MSN list.

My friends feel sorry for me but I’m ok with it cause I knew how it was gonna go. And well it didn’t go that welll and at least I can say I tried I mean I wanted to and I got to see a movie, we are marshall.

Now I’m trying again but without actually trying I’m just going with it. And whatever happens happens… we shall see.

...in a relationship, kinda I’m more complicated then most. His name is Rob and we have been talking on and off since my bday on Sep 29th and well we have been trying a long distance relationship for about 2 months I think.

Anyway he lives 500 km away, and on top of that he has joined the army and now I’m so confuzzelled because I don’t know if I should believe him.

I forget about him honestly it makes me sound like a horrible person, but I do and now I’m talking to him on MSN, because he’s at home and he has a few days off meaning he might come see me, but the thing is I’m past the point of getting my hopes up I’m at indiferent.

For a while I thought I could fall in love with him, even though our relationship is long distance but until I see him and feel close to him in person I can’t I can’t think of what we have as a relationship because we go days without talking and it hurts but when it turns into weeks and months I make myself forget about him and move on to other guys. Sounds like a slut but moving on to other guys just means I look around and get to know other people.

I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship with him but I don’t want to break his heart and I don’t want to completely shut the door, I have not CHEATED on him since we are “DATING” so I guess that is a good sign not that I can cheat on him in any way, since my self esteem is below low, and I can’t even get a guy to talk to me. If it’s not about sports or cars, or anything else that might make sound more like a buddy then a girl.

...I just want to be in a relationship I mean it don’t want true love (how can u tell that you’re in love) It’s just that I want to be happy and maybe being in a relationship means I can be happy. I don’t know anymore and I don’t wanna know. The only type of relationships I’ve had are those on the internet and it’s not all that the same as a relationship in real life.