conquer my fears

There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.
Most fears are so stupid and groundless. Face them and they disappear!

Its before dawn and Christian just left for work. Moussolini is calling out to the last part of the darkness. I’ve cracked the shades so I can keep an eye out for the sunrise. Yesterday the early sounds of wind and rain kept good company. This morning is silent – or feels quiet with the usual house noises. The water pump and the stop and go of buses. I am alone with my thoughts. I woke up with a million things boiling over in my head. I am hoping that writing will help relieve some pressure. Give it somewhere to go.

But now that my fingers are at the keys… the are stuck in the same paralysis that has gripped me these last few weeks. I am not sure how to explain it. Just a familiar stuck. The grip of inaction when left to my own devices. And still I am scared to be pushed back into the chaos of school. Maybe I will learn to love its demanding nature…

We laid in bed and talked about the future last night. Landed at the inevitable mystery and accepted it for what it is. We fantasize about security but will keep taking risks. Its easier because we have each other. And who knows what will happen next.

I felt an undercurrent of fear well up in my gut. Suddenly more aware of the gamble of letting the skills I can sell atrophy while I search for other passions. They seem more allusive every day and meanwhile work is harder to come by. Passion is usually my horse and my buggy. Usually it can carry me through all the uncertainty. But now it seems to turn to dust at midnight.

Last weeks news at the office hasn’t really settled in… Things seemed ok then, after I talked it over with Christian. Now I am trying to write a letter to my boss to keep my job. Its hard. I’m not sure what I need or what I want. Hard to tell the two apart.

enter the forest where it is darkest. Together we will never forget. And we will be brave.

I spent so much time afraid that I would never get this chance. Now that its here, I keep finding myself paralyzed in fear of action. Don’t trust my pen to paper long enough to allow form to take root. Fear of the solid and the permanent. That what my hands make will not make my imagination proud.

You fool! The only real thing to lose is a mere idea of myself and a preconceived notion of creation. Its those ideas holding me back in the first place.

Maybe this requires an exorcism…

I have another item on 43T about learning to swim. This will lead on to learning to SCUBA and then I intend to swim with sharks (and fish)

I am more afraid of fish than sharks and I absolutely loathe squid … they scare me more than I can describe as I don’t even want to think about them. Even the mental image of a squid or an octopus makes me frightened.

I’m also quite scared of flying – as a result I intend to go up in a microlight!

I stayed up all night smothered in a cloud of my own toxic, cyclical thoughts. Can I really do this? I am looking 70k of debt in the face and it has teeth. And that’s just the cost of school and insurance. We have another 7k on credit cards from the move and may fall further behind if we can’t work enough to pay the bills. And still, we’ve both got to keep our creative growth a priority. That’s the whole point.

I could be sure its all worth it if I could be sure that talent is still in me. It has to be. But its been so long. I feel like I am in the dessert digging for water. Praying I find an underground river that I can ride all the way to the lost city of gold.

But if I wasn’t a little bit uncomfortable, it wouldn’t be a risk, right? I must remember… to always enter the forest where it is darkest.

Thank you, Lord for helping me achieve this! =)

discovered the fun of conquering my fears
therefore can mark is as done
however, I’m replacing this with a new one
feel the fear and do it anyway
thus, I’ll continue!

I’m calling people and I’m having so much fun doing this!! This fear is beaten FOREVER!!!! Funny to think I was afraid of doing this for so long.