Hm, last night I thought that I might really truly be over him. I was, yet again, conversing with him inside my head about our past relationship. And, I think, for the first time I realized all of these things that happened and all of these points are in the past. I liked him, he liked me, and whatever happened, it doesn’t matter because somehow it got us to where we are now and so lets deal with that. I think we’re in a pretty good place. I wish I saw him more and I wish he wanted to see me more, but regardless of our past I think I would feel the same and that is very good. I still just have to conquer this Jenna thing… 5 years ago
I had a conversation with him in my head tonight. It was very good for me, kind of. It didn’t even matter that he didn’t really say anything. The conversation covered our entire relationship and I guess the things I thought about it, and, really, I guess, if I regretted it. And I came to the conclusion that I didn’t. And that the reason I didn’t like all the way is because, I think, I didn’t really feel like he was even my friend for a kind of large portion of it. Because, like, the last time anything happened between us, at the beginning of last summer, it was the farthest we had ever gone and it was far from the worst I felt about it, so it doesn’t seem like there is a real correlation between hooking up with him and feeling badly about my relationship with him. But, I think for the majority of our relationship I felt sort of like he didn’t respect me as much as I think he should have. Whereas at the end I felt like we were actually friends so it didn’t really bother me. It was like the thing where it happened and then we hung out the next day, whereas in the past it had happened and he was out the door. And that made me feel bad. Anyway. It was good, I think. The conversation, I mean. 5 years ago
We hung out tonight. I cuddled with him while we watched a movie. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. It reminded me of last year when things were good…
We shared a blanket. I think this is code for touch me inappropriately. Not that its that inappropriate, but inappropriate for the current state of our relationship. And, really, we could have been two feet apart under that blanket.. But, we never are. 5 years ago
So, like, now there’s nothing there. Last time we all hung out he touched me a lot. Then, he came over on Wednesday and he stayed a little longer than he had to, but we made barely any contact. Tonight there was nothing. I know I gauge too much of my night on these interactions, and I know they no longer exist or mean anything if they do.. I still want them to. And not because Zach is the end all of boys. But, because I don’t have another boy. And I want a boy. I just wanted to touch him all night, play with his hair, rub his back, hold his hand. I think sometimes that we can’t be friends. Like the time we touched, we were touching so that was what our relationship was, which is essentially all its ever been. On Wednesday it was just us so we could be whatever we wanted to be and we could be friends and we obviously had to interact so we did. Tonight there were people there, we weren’t touching, barely even talking, and we can hardly make eye contact. It’s not all me. Like, it isn’t. 5 years ago
So I have decided to reopen this goal. I got rid of it because I never saw it happening. I now kind of feel like we’re progressing into a somewhat normal relationship. I think the more we hang out the more normal it becomes. He came over tonight and just the two of us hung out and we were like friends. Imagine that. We went and got ice cream. And then we both finished and we still sat there. Also, I see him on campus and don’t run away, which is a pretty good step for me. I really enjoy him. And it is now clear to me that he doesn’t have any sort of crush on me, I think he’s attracted to me, but the idea of anything more than friendship is gone. To him… 5 years ago
I’ve been dreaming about him…
And chemistry, so who knows what that really means…. 5 years ago
AAH! So many emotions tied into just his name, my god. I talked about how him and I had a thing last year with my (our) gay friend. We talked about how cute he is and how we both kind of had a crush on him and what his appeal is. It was nice. I’ve never really talked about it with anyone who has seen it, so that was kind of nice. Zach hung out last night and it was really good. I do actually really like him. I don’t know if I will ever get over that. I don’t know how to. But, I shouldn’t even get over it, I mean, get over liking him. He’s my friend. It’s too bad all of this happened… 5 years ago
I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Well, not as much as I have at some points in time, but, more than I should be. I think about our relationship as it was probably one year ago right now. Which is sodumb. He would always kiss me and hold my hand and I didn’t even realize what was going on. It was all still just playing games. Neither one of us had ever had any kind of relationship before. And, then, I talk to Luba about it and apparently this summer Zach told her he like touched my boob and stuff, which he had never even come close to discussing with me. It bothered me that he would talk to her about it and not me. And I think its still there. I hardly ever hang out with him anymore, but last time we hung out we watched a movie in bed like we always have and he sort of held my hand, which I no longer think is okay. But I still want it to be okay and I want it to happen. Which upsets me. He’s an asshole. He was an asshole all last year when he was trying to get me to put my hand in his pants while Nathan was right there and I never realized it. He has never deserved the amount of time I have spent on him, yet I’m still sitting in my room thinking about him. We aren’t even friends anymore. Our relationship is nonexistent. I don’t know if I’m okay with this. I want to be his friend (I don’t know why..) but I don’t know if I can. There is tension and bitterness between us and I don’t know if it will ever be all the way gone. I never want to get drunk around him because I don’t know what I would do. Maybe just cutting him out of my life is the best thing to do. Probably not even the hardest.. 5 years ago
I feel as though I have made overwhelming progress toward this goal recently. I’m somewhat amazed with myself. But, I was thinking about it on my walk home today and how I really like being friends with Zach. I like hanging out with him a lot, and I don’t understand why it has to be that we never hang out. I like being close to him, being his friend, but if we can go weeks barely speaking to each other it makes me mad. Why are we throwing our friendship away on top of everything else? I mean, if I don’t make an effort I guess no one will.
Which is sad.5 years ago
We hung out last night. The big group of us. He was there, so was I. He came in and didn’t sit by me, which I don’t think would have ever happened before. Anyway, I feel like he ignores me to some extent, and I don’t know if thats just because he’s like that (which he kind of is), or if he’s avoiding me a little bit. But, then, after dinner I went to the bathroom and my spot had been taken so I sat by him and we exchanged some conversation that was very good. I think the fact that I’m rethinking and analyzing this is the very reason thing wouldn’t be normal with us. He would behave in the exact same way as he did with me with anyone else. Normalcy. Which is exactly what I want.
But really I want last year normalcy when he couldn’t keep his hands off me.. 5 years ago
I discussed my discontent with Luba. I do feel better. Amazing how that works. 5 years ago
So, our relationship has been getting progressively worse over the past few days. We have at least two hours of class together everyday yet we say no words to each other. Ever. So, today, we had our bio lab only 25 or so people, we get through the entire class not even making eye contact (Ugh.) and so we were in the computer lab and I was upset with him, very bitter, very passive aggressive. So, I get up to leave and I say hi. I debated it in my head, should I talk to him? And I knew the answer was yes, but I wanted him to acknowledge me in just some way. But, so I said hi, hows it goin, da da da… And we talked for like five minutes. About whatever and it was normal, but I could feel my knees shaking. We’re going over to his house tonight. I’m coming late. And, the thing is, now I’m excited to see him. I’m back to a place where I want to spend every second I can with him. Because, obviously, that increases the chances of our love for each other to become a reality. Anyway, I am slightly proud of myself for this. I could feel the passive aggressive tension building up inside of me and instead of letting it over take me (as I have been doing all week) I talked to him. I talked to him. Bleh. But, now I don’t know.. I’m upset that he didn’t talk to me. Which is dumb of me, but I am. Oh well. I’ll take these things as they come. 5 years ago
Um, so today we have our class together. Our lab class, with 25 people. We’re going to the library. I am not sure what to anticipate. If I get there first, I will sit down, but if he gets there first, do I sit by him? I know the answer is yes. I know this, but will I? He didn’t sit by me last week. He easily could have. And I got mad at him for it, so should I do the exact same thing? I don’t know why he did it. Was it because he thought I didn’t want to sit by him or because he actually didn’t want to sit by me? The answer to that question will give me the answer to my question about today, but I will never know the answer to that questions, so bleh. I need to just not care about him. But, we’re friends, so what do you do… 5 years ago
I’ve been creating distance between us lately and I’m now realizing how this is just hurting our relationship. I want to be friends with him, I like being his friend, but the more I blow it out of proportion, avoiding him and the such, the harder that is. I no longer want these things to happen between us, I just want us to be. Yet after consciously sitting on the other side of the room from him, I notice myself glancing at him at least ten times during our fifty minute class… He’s cute. And he’s my friend. I should sit by him. The signals that I’m sending are probably very detrimental to the relationship. But, I need to create distance. I have been so caught up in him. I need to create the right amount of distance, because we are still friends. How do you do this? I need to do this. I don’t know, our relationship is just so emotionally charged, at least for me, it’s hard to be around him and not feel these strong urges to be mad at him or else want to make out with him, and then be mad at him for not making out with me, essentially. Or I get mad at him for ignoring me (which he does ( but why?)). I don’t know, I need to get over it. Create the right amount of distance. Somehow.. 5 years ago
I get so frustrated with this. I want to have a normal relationship with him. I can’t. Why? It is because of me? Is it because of him? I just don’t know. Something about us makes us incompatible with each other. For some reason. I do not know. I want to be friends with him. I can’t not be friends with him. Partly because it would make me ridiculously sad and partly because all of my friends are friends with him. The latter makes it harder, really. I would be the immature one who can’t even pretend to like our friend who didn’t even really do anything wrong. I have been distancing myself from him recently and it has been helping. Making me feel better about the relationship. In fact, the more distance there is the better I feel. (which makes me sad..) But, anyway, so I am at this place where I want to be apart from him in order to preserve my sanity, but by doing that I feel like I’m being crazier and more irrational than before, so I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I just wish it were normal. 5 years ago
I am very upset with him. I don’t even want to be friends with him. He’s an asshole. I am so bitter, and I don’t know how our relationship got to this point. 5 years ago
Um, so I don’t know. School started and I’m very stressed out. I have been avoiding Zach, and especially Zach and Jenna. I thought it was stupid of me. I thought I was being dumb and immature. I didn’t know why I was doing it. Fuck. Well, so, I go to my biology lab today and it turns out they are both in it. BOTH OF THEM. Here’s a thing about it.. Zach walks in, I’m already sitting there, he come in, waves and sits down, not by me but by someone he doesn’t know. This pains me so infinitely. (I know, who am I, but..) I mean, I think this is such a HUGE part of our relationship. I think I’m being stupid not wanting to be around him because he makes me feel dumb and he makes me feel like he doesn’t like me, like he doesn’t care that I’m there, quite possibly would rather I’m not. He acknowledges I’m in the classes with him when were nowhere around the class. He is so mean to me, I can’t believe he would do that, how my friend would do that. I always thought I imagined it, make it worse in my head, put it upon myself a little bit. It wasn’t actually taking place I made it happen because I didn’t want it to be able to happen. He is such an asshole. I mean, no wonder I have no self esteem around him. God. Then.. Then, class was basically over and I was going over something with the boy next to me (we had to collaborate) and he came up and started talking to me, but I later realized it was because he was waiting for Jenna. HE KNOWS IM THERE BUT HE SO DOES NOT CARE. He’s a friend to everyone he knows, except me. Am I being stupid? Should I discuss this issue with him? It’s huge to me. God, for so long I considered him (who am I kidding I still do) one of my best friends. I mean, god, I go camping with him, I stay at his house, I have met his parents, how does he ignore me like that? Why do I let him ignore me like that… 5 years ago
I have the hug I want to give him planned out in my head.
I know it won’t ever actually take place.
I’m excited. We’ll see how it goes. 5 years ago
and, god, I just want to get slightly intoxicated and make out with him. 5 years ago
But, I think pretty much every night, when I’m going to sleep, I start thinking about him. I’m so at peace with the relationship in the day which I think is so amazing and wonderful, but then I lay down in my bed and think about how I wish he were with me, or how, this year he will be, or I make up a conversation between us, because I clearly still have many words I would like to say to him.. But, then, the sleep doesn’t come. I get anxious and antsy.. I love how this distance is allowing me to relax, for once, in this relationship. I like him, I really do, but I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it. I imagine myself being a more confident and secure person in general and around him and I see the relationship improving. I would be less dependent on him, need less from him. He likes that. I’ve always known I need to be more sure of myself around him, but it’s never happened. I know its hard, I just hope I build up enough confidence in this month to keep it when I see him. He honestly does change me. I don’t like that. And, I do kind of think that if I could, if I thought it was possible, I would stop seeing him. I wouldn’t even attempt to have a relationship with him anymore. This is sad, but I also know it isn’t even a possibility. We have completely mutual friends, there is no way that would be possible. And, it would be so sad.. I guess I still don’t know what I want from that relationship. I will work toward figuring that out. Up until right now I think this goal has been basically a place for me to rant and rave over this boy, but I need to look at it proactively. I need to decide what needs to be done to improve this relationship, and I think the first thing that needs to be done is to identify what it is that I_ want it to be. Not anything about what it is but where do I want us to be and then, through open and honest discussion (although that doesn’t happen too often) we can make whatever relationship happen, but if I’m unclear as to where I want it to go, I will _never be able to articulate to him what I feel like I am missing from the relationship, so all of my bitching at him for not giving me the proper relationship really does no good, because I don’t even know what I want. I occasionally think I do, but looking at it, I know that I really have no idea. And I will use the clarity that I currently have in his absence to try to identify this then work on a proper way to get that. Or just wait and see what happens but be more sure in where I stand in the relationship, and just myself. That is really what I need, to be more sure of myself. I will do this. 5 years ago
I had a dream about him last night. He talked about how the girl in Colorado “just gets him.” Not like understands, but, like, gets him going, attracted him. In the dream I also met her. And he held me. I don’t know. It was just a dream. I have decided the not seeing him for a month will be a wonderful thing in our relationship. Just wonderful. It’s only been a week and half and I feel quite good about it. I know that with school it will be different, the studying issues and the distance issues, just not a thing like this summer.. But, I’m coming to terms with it. Quicker than I maybe thought, only not because it’s been almost a year.. Anyway, I feel mostly good about it. Right, mostly.. 5 years ago
He’s been gone for half a week now, (God, I thought it was much longer) and was feeling very good about our relationship. I am comfortable with it. I think about him, but I think about all of my friends, and when I think about him it doesn’t make me anxious or frustrated at all, so I think that is good. But, for some reason, I was reading someone’s goal about a boy and I thought of Zach and just how cute he is. There is a reason why I like him, I am attracted to him, how do you ignore that?5 years ago
He is the first person I think of almost every morning when I wake up. I don’t like that. It’s feelings of the artificial life I had created in my sleep being crushed by the reality of the relationship.
I wish I could just get over this. 5 years ago
He is leaving in less than one week.
We camped last night. We discussed relationships in our stargazing moments. He talked about how he doesn’t want relationships, how he thinks that if the sexual aspect gets added to a great friendship thats great, but there is no need to label it. Yet, he is all for marraige.. I don’t get it.
When Luba asked him how camping with me was he replied “really really great.” This makes me very happy.
He went on a two day 130 mile bike ride this weekend with our friend, and we were discussing it and he said he couldn’t do that with me because he would get too annoyed with me. I agree with him. I do nag/whine at him a lot.
He now hugs me when I leave him. I like this.
I had decided earlier today that there was nothing there. I had decided that several times, several days ago as well. Right now, I feel like the possibility is there. I don’t know why. Something about the fluidity of his view of relationships. I think he wanted to kiss me last night. I wanted to kiss him. I’m so insecure. He talked about how he was shy and insecure in relationships. Yet, I couldn’t do half of what he has done to me without the security of the label.
Anyway, I think it’s good. He’ll be gone for a month. I think when I see him I get more stressed about everything. I don’t like that.
Also, while he was on this bike ride they saw a black and white dog, and Zach acknowledged that I have a Border Collie. Clearly, I was on his mind.
Or so I would like to think. 5 years ago
I think I might almost be done with this. Yeah, right.. But, I think I have finally figured out how to be over him and why it makes sense and just that I am, for the most part. He’s leaving in one week and two days and I won’t see him for a month. That hasn’t happened since December. And that was painful. But that was the peak of our love… He’s going on a bike ride/camping this weekend and he called me twice today because I had talked about camping with him for a night. I thought that was nice. I still haven’t seen him since i have had “lets just be friends” revelations, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. And I know that the more distant I am, the less distant he will be. I hate people like that. I think I need more time, but, I think it is progressing which I do think is highly positive. 5 years ago
So I think in the thinking that I have done recently I have come to terms with our relationship for maybe the fitieth time this year… However, this time, it took less than a week. I don’t know.. I’m dumb. I think I was thinking something about it alst night that really helped clarify it for me, but I don’t remember what it is. I wish I did so I could return to that thought and use it to return to a peaceful state. Actually, I think it might have been the realization that a relationship (which is what I ultimately want) will never occur. I always want to go and be flirty and try to get him to want me, but even if he did for one night our relationship would be the same only I would be more bitter. This is a big realization for me. I need to either talk to him about it and identify what I already know (that he wants no relationship at this moment in time, not just with me but with anyone), or I can get over it which is what I think I am opting to do. God.. So, from today on, I’m over it.5 years ago
I think thats bad. I think I need to get over the sexual aspect of our relationship. I was there the other day and I slept on him. It could have been nothing, but it felt so good it was something. To me. And I think, considering our history, all touching has some sexual aspect to it. We fit together very well, I think, our bodies do. He just feels very good to me. Anyway.
I was thinking about it yesterday and how what I need to do is just pretend I’m over him. Like, identify what the behavior of a person who is over a boy would have is and just do it, even if it’s hard. I did this when my good family friend died. Just pretended I was over it, because I knew, at some point, I would be over it. So, I have to figure out how to be, what to think, what not to think, how to touch, and just what is going to be okay in this relationship. I do kind of cuddle with all of my friends that are boys, but, considering our history, I don’t know if I should be touching Zach so much. Just brings up too many feelings I don’t want. But, in normalcy I would be touching him, so it is hard. I don’t know, I will figure it out eventually… 5 years ago
Makes it harder to accept him as just a friend. But that is all we will ever be, becuase I am over him. At least done with him. I cannot keep doing this to myself. As far as I’m concerned he has a girlfriend and its not me and I’m not going to keep doing this to myself.
Ugh.
And I am going there tonight and I am going to see him and I can’t be jealous and I can’t be flirty and I have to not care. Blah blah blah. 5 years ago
So I got this journal. Like a real one, that you write in, and normally when I record my thoughts it takes place online and I will kind of come back to the same things over and over again every thirty minutes or so probably when I’m feeling really obsessive (kind of like now). But, with this real journal things seem so much more permanent. I don’t want to fill it up saying the same thing over and over again so I don’t really know where to turn to obsess. I think it is probably a good thing. I don’t need to let myself keep going back over these nothings. Or even if it is a something it is still finite and can only be analyzed so much, so what am I doing? Unless I can actually delve deeper into an analysis there is no point in bringing it back up. I guess I’m just hoping I will be able to each time… It hasn’t happened yet. 5 years ago
He’s going to visit this girl he says he has a very strong connection with. He’s staying with her for two nights. I just googled her. What is wrong with me? 5 years ago
