be here now

i occasionally do volunteer translations for a charity—letters from sponsored children to their sponsors in germany and vice versa. i have to quote from this letter from China (translated by a Chinese volunteer into English). it’s so sad but lovely.

“Dear Mrs S.
How are you. Thank you for your letter.
I am happy for receiving your photo. You have golden hair, brown eyes, red mouth and white skin. You are pretty.
I have many troubles recently. My friend had a quarrel with me. I don’t know what I did wrongly. I don’t know how to deal with it. The teachers give me much pressure in study. I seldom speak every day. The final exam is coming, and I am worried about it. I have to get a good score to prove I have ability to my parents.
It is a lucky that I have many good friends.
I like star and moon. I talk with moon and star when I have unhappy things. I share my happiness with them too. Maybe you will ask what I should do when there is no moon or star at day. I will talk with sky and ask sky to transmit my words. Their light is answer to me.
Please see the sky or star when you receive my letter, and they are my gifts to you.
Please take good care of yourself even if you are busy with work.”

ooooooh, bless!

meditation session, where we spent some time in open discussion of these lines from a koan.

“Here is the place. / Here, the way unfolds.”

It was exactly what I needed to hear today. smile

Spending time with my granddaughter sure puts me in the here and the now. Especially when we play with her dollhouse. She is now giving me rolls to play like I am the daddy or the dog or even sometimes the baby. I like to draw with her too. She loves to scribble with all the colors. Of course I never let her get away from her little table with those color pencils or her crayons.
It’ easy to be here now with little ones.
Otherwise, I am all over the place in my brain.

my husband commented that it seems I am less easily irritated / less often irritable recently. wry grin (Perhaps he’s been doing fewer irritating things lately? LOL) But seriously, maybe there’s been some impact on this goal from my meditation practice? smile

this is really really really hard.

I didn’t take my cell-phone with me today during the three activities that required time away from home & in the car. It was interesting to me to observe how much I wanted to talk on it when I couldn’t do so! wry grin It also made me more focused on the things that I was doing & gave me time (in the car) to think quietly. smile

It would be better if I could carry the phone with me (so I’d have it on hand for emergencies) & just not use it. But – my self-discipline being what it is on this issue – for now I need to leave it at home, in order to resist the temptation to ring up somebody & talk…

is to remind myself…

• to be more present in the moment; that is, to focus on where I am and what I’m doing at any given time

• to remain as single-minded as possible, succumbing to distractions less frequently

• to indulge in multitasking only when it’s more efficient for me to do so & it doesn’t take away from the quality of my experience

Odd because I feel like crap, I’ve let things pile up, and nothing in my basic situation has changed: Still broke, still working the same crappy job, still have a somewhat unsatisfying personal life.

On top of the general period-related yuckness, I’m still quite congested; my nose is making embarrassing noises, and no amount of sinus medication helps. I’m also groggy from the pain pill I had to take yesterday.

And today I have to clean the house, go to the grocery store, bake a cake (and perhaps plan a meal for Da’s birthday), wrap his present, take out trash, pick up my prescription, and get an oil change. In addition, I’d hoped to clean out my email, look for jobs, and finish the sweater I’m working on. I can’t work up the motivation to take a shower.

But I’m in a good mood. I guess that counts for something. :)

I feel as though I’m in a marathon that’s lined with hurdles. There has been a lot going on this week. As I continue to reflect on things that have been said and done, I realize that in part, I have been hiding.

My daughter, bless her heart, has never liked any of the few boyfriends I’ve had since divorcing her Dad. She admitted that she only wanted he and I to be together and she’s done a lot to let everyone know how unhappy she is.

What happens when she’s gone and it’s just me? What happens now that I am as frustrated as I was, only now, my relationship has been called off? What happens now that I know she wouldn’t like it if I was dating Jesus?!

After talking and thinking more about this, I have to make a decision, now or later- for my own sake. I feel absolutely torn~

I am absolutely single again…
The pressure and stress from a duaghter and boyfriend that did not get along reached it’s limit. A part of me is sad, the other is relieved. It is what it is, so be it~