Apply myself

“You just need to apply yourself” is the standard catchphrase that I would always hear from my family and teachers. I would always wait last minute to do something or did a project half-fast. I never really devoted a lot of time to anything. I never cared to apply myself. Now at 21 and I am not even close to getting my AA degree. I hate how lazy I am. I want to get out of this mindset and really finally apply myself

I’m a nineteen year old guy. All my life, I’ve been told that I’m incredibly creative, and absolutely brilliant. This being the case, I’ve always been able to smart my way out of doing anything that required applying myself, because I could always barely get by with little to no effort. Even if I didn’t succeed at something, I could think my way out of the consequences. It also didn’t help that my dad couldn’t ever bring himself to follow through on his threats of military school, because he loved me and didn’t want to see me hurting. This is also why he would always make sure to do everything in his power to make sure I never had to suffer for my wrongdoings. I honestly wish he cared less, because then I would be a more responsible person, because of the military schooling. I then tried to join the actual military, only to find out that I have to have been off of my ADHD medication for an entire year to do so. Now I’m stuck. I have nowhere to turn, and I know that I need to learn some responsibility. Unfortunately, unlike anything else, I can’t exactly ‘just grit my teeth’ and learn how to grit my teeth and do something.

Gratifying, honest work? I THINK NOT.

After a brief burnout, felt completely demoralized and disengaged, I dont want to feel like that anymore. I want to get back to being me. Someone who loved her work and will stop denying herself the fact that as giddy and as stupid as it might sound, she loves her course and will stop doing things to self-destruct.

years ago I bought and read books about procrastination…fear of failure, fear of success, fear of ‘separation’, loss of control…Yep. Fear of feeling out of control rings true. As a kid, I was a so-called ‘over-achiever’ and ‘gifted’. It was always anxiety producing for me, but after a personal trauma, I think I totally quit applying myself, just to relieve some anxiety, lick my wounds, or something. Anyway, here I am THIRTY YEARS LATER taking ‘public speaking’ for the 3rd time so I can get my damned AA degree….and my GOAL involves GRADUATE SCHOOL! What a joke. If I drop another class I’m quitting altogether. Any suggestions?