Become aware of subconcious beliefs that impact my life

Perhaps it might be a good idea to start paying attention to my dreams again. I used to write them all down in the past but have neglected to do so for quite a while.

The major themes at the time were things like corridors, doors, schools and looking for stuff which couldn’t be found, as well as a profound sadness that seemed to pervade everything.

Much of my life seems to be affected by things that don’t seem to be happening in my conscious mindframe. I suspect there’s a lot going on down in my subconscious which is affecting my body too.

I’d like to look into this a little more closely in the future, understanding this better is probably the way forward.

In order to act I need to know exactly how things will turn out if I were to take that action. Without that knowledge, I cannot act.

As an example of how this belief impacts my action: In college I had the hardest time starting on a paper because I didn’t have the whole thing visualized. I couldn’t imagine the paper being “Great,” and so I would wait, and think, and ponder, and procrastinate until I had it all figured out.

As a result, I often turned in late projects or failed to complete them at all.

I’m finding this pattern now in other areas of my life.

I think I could put this in the category of “Hey, it worked for me as a kid, so why not now?” Avoidance is one of my greatest skills. Back in the day, I used to use substances to avoid whatever I didn’t want to think about. The computer has become a great friend in my avoidance, as well. Game, online timewasters, myspace, etc. Plenty to waste time on, but absorbing enough that you can’t really think about other things. Things you might not want to think about. After all, if you avoid the monters under the bed for long enough, maybe they will go away.

So I’m identifying this subconscious thought and bringing it into consciousness for inspection. I’m fairly sure this is one that has held me back a lot.

Wow, this is a heavy one. For reasons I don’t yet understand I seem to have the expectation that things will go poorly for me, and that I’ll have a lot of regret building up over time.

Maybe a way of approaching this would be to ask myself what I currently regret.

Regret is an emotion right up there with guilt on the popularity charts. I haven’t heard anyone saying “yeah, give me more of that!”

When I imagined myself to be a poet, I thought that it was required of me that I suffer under the weight of that existential angst of life. Could it be that I’m teasing myself with regret because I somehow feel it will benefit me to think this way?

The story I tell myself about regret: I will try to make my life interesting and useful. I will try to have good relationships. I will try to be happy. But these efforts are doomed to fail, and I will live my life regretting that I haven’t lived as I should have lived. I will long for the relationship that I let go. I will live out my life in quiet desperation.

Sad story. Why do I tell it to myself? Can I rewrite it? How about: I will try to make my life interesting and useful, have good relationship, and live happily. I won’t always succeed, and I’ll make a lot of mistakes. I may even have some regrets. But, much like I’ve said of past mistakes, “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.” Hindsight makes it so easy to judge the past. But I am just human, after all. And as I’ve grown I’ve become more focussed and better able to make a difference to the people in my life. Maybe that’s worth feeling thankful for, rather than focussing on the mistakes.

Not that well written, but it’s a better story.

Another subconscious (and sometimes conscious) belief is that “people should just chill out!” What that means is that people (note: Other people, not me) should relax about things more. When somebody’s freaking out about something or all gung ho about getting something done fast, I find myself digging in my heals and refusing to be rushed in an almost passive aggressive way.

Can I state this as a belief that governs my life? Well: I have the right to never be rushed or subjected to someone elses sense of urgency.

This can have a positive impact if it truely is something not worth stressing about. However, this could also be an issue of balance. I tend to err on the side of que sera sera and others tend to err on the side of unneccessary freak outs. The truth probably lies in the middle, and I will try to remember that sometimes an emergency truely is worth immediate action.

Having listened to myself for a day, I guess the main theme of my inner dialog is on the “bother” of existence. I was caught in traffic twice, and caught myself grumbling about how this always seems to happen to me. I just think I’m out of the mess, then I’m back in it.

I also realized that I need a lot of approval from others. I find myself courting it shamelessly. And yet I tell myself that I’m better on my own, that I can do without the “bother” of maintaining relationships. But then I wring my hands about how lonely I am, and how I need to make friends, start conversations, etc.

I’m really going to try to focus on those things that I can actually change. Sitting in a traffic jam isn’t something I can do something about unless there’s a car I can help push out of the way. But I can make use of the time for something other than griping about it.

This is a lot easier to say than to do, though…and I can already hear my inner voice predicting defeat…

Today I commit to listening to my inner dialog for the entire day. In particular, I’m listening for reactive and/or proactive thoughts. I’m fairly certain that I spend a lot of time reacting to life circumstances rather than thinking about what I can actually change or how I can make a positive difference. So today I will listen to what I tell myself about my life and the events of my day on 3/17/2006.

When I figure out a better way to state and describe this goal, I will. What I’m getting at is this: We are all living according to what we believe about life. Most of the time, these beliefs are below the conscious level, and we may not even be aware that we believe these things.

A personal example of this would be: “I’m not a very good worker. I should consider myself lucky to have a job.” Though I might never actually say that out loud, I often find myself living as if it’s true.

If I become aware of that belief, and evaluate it, I can say “No, I add value to my workplace. I have special skills and I am a valuable part of my team.”

What I truely believe about that situation has a HUGE impact on how I behave, and tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, some psychologists believe that even just repeating positive things about ourselves without ACTUALLY believing them, has an impact. We ultimately come to believe what we repeat to ourselves, in other words.

I want to become aware of at least 10 underlying beliefs that I’m currently unaware of. I’ll do this by listening to my “inner voices” when I’m evaluating situations, and by carefully meditating on how I approach relationships and events in my life. I want to confront counterproductive beliefs. I’m excited by the possibilities of growth!