Balance

to fill me up in order to have something to give back to my children and my work.

What? what what what?

I’ll need a social life of some sort at some point

The past weeks have been almost exclusively work & kittens.

Slowly, very slowly, I’m starting to find some time again for other things, like reading or going to see a movie.

Ah, that elusive thing called balance…

if I should start by changing my name here?

I can so easily get lost in the daycarelady thing.

I do have to give a huge amount of attention, time and effort to my business but I do feel something lacking, that is, myself outside of that.

Outside of daycarelady I am what? Mom. lol.

I’m nowhere near the daycarelady that I want to be so how can I stretch myself into other things? Does that make sense?

And all the king’s men,
Can put Humpty together again

I feel that I’ve been well balanced again, the different areas of my life get their share of attention and I’m rather satisfied. The real crunch time will come now, though – next week will be the final week of this first period at university, so I’ll have a lot of deadlines and some exams, too. I’m starting to feel a little bit stressed, but at the same time I do know that I’ll manage. Just have to get things done, focus and pay close attention.
I’ve also been thinking that it really isn’t a bad thing to have bad days/moments here and there. I haven’t had them a lot lately, but when I do, they do feel odd in comparison to the happy moments. But that’s alright, because they make me appreciate the happy things even more. They’re part of the equilibrium, too. Let’s take this current moment as an example – right now I’m feeling strangely frustrated, by a lot of things. One thing that is frustrating me is the Internet, believe it or not. Can’t quite explain it, but I’m just greatly annoyed at this very moment with a lot of things that are connected to the web.
But the beauty that lays behind frustration is improvement. Frustration makes you change things, push things forward, grab yourself by the neck. So even when I’m feeling annoyed, I know that it’s a good thing in the long run. Just gotta get through it. I think I need to clear some of these things that are frustrating me, they’re piling up a bit now.

I do wonder about the question of when will I feel that the time is right to mark this goal achieved. Balance is an ongoing state, after all. I guess I need to reach a certain point, to say that I’m truly satisfied with everything for the time being. I’ll just wait for that, then.

I’ve enjoyed listening to heavier music again. I haven’t been listening to Tool etc. for ages, for the most of the summer actually, but now I feel like listening to hard music and only hard music. It’s giving me some sort of balance, I guess. Like it’s backing me up in some way.

I’ve been feeling odd for the past week. I’d really like to get to the bottom of this – what is actually causing these problems I’m experiencing now? Is there something else to this than the thing that’s on the top of my mind? What are all the particles that are contributing to this odd, uncomfortable, uneasy feeling of mine?
It’s annoying to feel problematic all of a sudden, when I’ve been feeling so so good lately. I’m not saying the good is gone, no not at all. These problems are just rising to the surface, blurring the view from the happy momentarily. And it’s incredibly annoying, I’d just love to get rid of these problems instantly.
But I guess none of us can be just happy poppy all the time, we have to go through these annoying, confusing bits too. And I do know that I’ll figure this out soon enough, I’m just irritated and impatient. And confused, did I already mention confused. There’s plenty of that. But this isn’t really anything serious, just unexpected and puzzling.

On the other hand; in addition to the music, I’ve felt a cosy link to the past this evening after returning home. I haven’t really spent that much time here, in the way that I would just concentrate on myself and take some time for myself. It felt really nice to come back home, light a few lamps to shed light in this little, darkening flat. Listening to music, updating my calendar, sorting school stuff, making myself see what’s really going on at the moment. I like moments like these, I should try to have them more often. I think it has something to do with the autumn too, I often feel like this during darkening autumn evenings. Kind of a nice, nostalgic feeling. And it’s also somehow linked to heavier music.

I might have to focus on myself a little bit more again, look inside more often. I’m not sure, that’s just what I feel like right now. I might feel differently in the morning, maybe I’ll get some sort of an epiphany during the night. We’ll see.
But yeah, just felt like writing some stuff out of my head. Good night, dear minions.

I believe that I’ve been doing very well with this. I’ve felt balanced, the different areas in my life have been quite nicely balanced as well (through the summer holiday perspective) and I feel really really good about my life.
But the real challenge will come next week, when the new semester of university begins and I’ll have to get back to my study routines. I’ll be put to the test on many aspects, but I’m facing all these things with my head held up high. I have confidence in myself and I’m willing to work hard on getting things right.

Work was bad yesterday and today. A million things all at once. Stayed a long time. Not happy with that.

1. Vacation is coming.
2. Kittens will be here.

I haven’t really been doing anything concrete about this goal, haven’t made any new daily schedules etc, but I have noticed that my perspective and attitude towards this balancing act has improved a whole lot. I don’t feel like it’s a burden anymore, it’s more like an exciting challenge. I think that has been a very important, big step for me. It has already helped a great deal. I am now confident that I’ll get this to work well, and that it won’t be unbearably hard after all. I’ve already started my work here.
I’m also feeling more and more balanced each passing day, but there is of course still a lot of work to be done. That doesn’t scare me, though.

What a weekend… looking back it seems I simply stopped at one point and am just now regaining awareness again.

Okay, I don’t mean to over-dramatize here… what happened was that we got the combination of weather my body is apparently least equipped to handle: Heat, Super-high humidity and no sun. I can handle any two of those, but apparently not all of them at once. The result was instant zombification.

What it meant though was that I didn’t get the relaxation or the sleep I had hoped for. On top of that everything I had meant to do has piled up and is starting to take on a mountain-like shape.

Well, it’s better now, at least it was sunny today and I feel more like myself. Now I’m trying to balance work with starting to tackle that mountain. One step at a time…