cave like….stuck? introspective…? Even my mind won’t go very long with inspiration or ideas before it wants to shut down.

Very odd…not sure what I need to be doing or what I am actually lacking at the moment, if anything.

I’m starting to consider that I (one) should simply honor these moods/phases.

There’s a tugging/aching at my heart that I am gently trying to explore.

finding my worth and where it lies….feeling as if I need to be active, hyper active, to make things happen, to earn money, to get my damn head out of the clouds, to work, figure things out but I am weary, so weary and lost and beside myself.

I feel guilty for being allowed this. I feel like a failure for not taking care of myself.

I feel identity-less without romance or a social life to speak of.

I feel a huge lack of confidence, lack of ability to support myself, to share myself, my services. I feel extremely isolated.

hmmm.

I feel a bubbling up strength though, a deep down knowing that things will be just fine and lovely, actually, soon, eventually, again and then not.

Right now, it’s just…weird…and focused inward and shallow..not in the body or the intellect but rather in a dream…a languorous melancholy half awake dream.

I don’t want to sleep or give up but I cannot force myself into strong physical action. I pray this….is a sort of action in itself. 4 weeks ago

due to job circumstances, again, I’m feeling lost. I really do not know what to do or which way to direct my energy.

i can’t identify by my job, however, the hardships do take a toll…

the roller coaster is wearing me down. 1 month ago

people need to stop breaking my heart or there won’t be anything left.

I’m really not keen on being the girl with trust issues. 1 month ago

I tend to go really fast and hard and then just drop like a fly before I even realize it.

My mind and body simply do not want to cooperate these past few days.

Granted, it’s cold and it’s that last frustrating-as-hell end of winter that drives me nuts and there are hormones to contend with this week…

Still, I do so hope that the/a partnership works out. It’d be lovely to have someone to count on when my energy fluctuates. 1 month ago

kind of running low on motivation at the moment. I think it will come very soon. I’m sort of recovering from the emotional roller coaster of the wedding and all.

There’s a nagging urgency in the back of my head about the certification business. I feel I need to be figuring out a marketing plan very soon.

In the past, I’ve not been too good at the business aspect. As a matter of fact, I have a nagging feeling about the daycare too…that I need something to take it up a notch, out of obscurity…and that it’s perhaps my lack of charisma that holds me back plenty of times.

but..having said all that, I am, overall, actually giddy about life…the fact that I’m doing it…doing everything, doing a lot, living, learning, loving, creating…it’s pretty incredible…and the idea of the possibilities…where these things could go is exhilarating even while right now is super fun and fulfilling. life is good, isn’t it? 2 months ago

I can do but go with the flow at this point.

I was so spazzed on coffee and lesson planning/documenting/reading/note taking business today, I ran out of the door as soon as I could after work just to burn some crazy nervous energy.

my niece and her man actually saw me at the store, i didn’t see them and i asked, did i look crazy? You were flying through the store, they said. Yeah. Rode the cart to the car at a running start then flew it into the cart corral with much ferocity.

this is my life.

tried hooping but it didn’t work, can’t feel the music.

i cry laughed on the way home from the grocery thinking about some hilarious times between son and I when the kids were babies then realized he’s going to have his own beautiful wee one, then just missed laughing with him. It’s like a piece of my heart is ripped away. I knew they are supposed to leave, shouldn’t that make it easier?

watched a really disturbing and thought provoking documentary and wondered if I am holding on too tightly to my babies because I lost my mother…

starved myself all day, forgot to eat with all the coffee, scarfed down ten or so bites of leftover rice/steak/bok choy stir fry from last night…then binged on about 7 mini brownies after dinner. Dinner was a half slice of cheese pizza…then kind of hated myself as I tried to hoop.

I can’t force myself to balance, I’m an extreme person most of the damn time. Trying to be more neutral typically has the opposite result. 2 months ago

such an odd and place to be.

I do lament lack of romance but at the same time, quite unsure where it would fit in to this stage.

I am still a mother, still young, but almost sure I’m finished with child bearing. A few grey hairs…ok, more than a few, spotted in this morning’s sunlight delighted me to my surprise. I wonder if I’d ever feel the same about the little bit of roundness that wants to stay at my belly. Not likely because I know that is a direct result of ice cream and cookies that didn’t use to make themselves shown.

somewhere pre pre menopausal I suppose, I feel drawn into myself, into quietness much more often. the cycles are still normal, still the same, though I become increasingly more in touch, more at peace with my ebbs and flows.

I feel I own a sensuality that I’m certain no man would appreciate..

I don’t know the man that finds (this) beautiful. I am not bitter, I am strong but I still maintain some young woman insecurity. I think I’m beautiful, mostly. It’s a beauty that someone should have grown into with me, not a beauty that begins a new love, I think.

I’m in my head and full of drive…maybe it’s a displaced, redirected sexual energy. The fiery energy of my youth is definitely subsiding, or rather, I’ve learned to harness it more effectively, thank goodness.

I don’t know. It’s a strange place to be, approaching 40. I dig it though. 2 months ago

I was way off today and didn’t pull it together until 3pm. back achey and sore, hormonal symptoms, draggin’ ass monday morning, kids knocked the lamp over first thing in the morning. I’d procrastinated my shower and missed my chance last night so felt kinda angry all day that I needed a shampoo.

I shall be centered and present tomorrow. I shall love them and pat their little heads. Dental appointment mid day… (not sure how that’s relevant) 3 months ago

I am in love with this goal. It’s a good chance to become present each day and ask, “where is the imbalance coming from” Often, as you know, just recognizing it is a solution.

My night was full of very strange, dark, sexual dreams. Today is grey. It’s not a typical Friday as the kids are here and will probably hopefully be here tonight as well. It’s a pleasant change but feels different not looking forward to that quiet time.

I sort of suspect I need to be around some people, adult people. I’m uncertain who and where but I am thinking on it. 3 months ago

kids’ father is not picking them up this week, maybe this weekend, not sure.

i definitely appreciate the extra time with them, it’s been rough giving them up 3 days per week.

with working long days though, i feel like I need some fun.

some grown up time that isn’t just sitting in my bed watching movies.

maybe i should try to put together some plans for the weekend, if he comes through…or at least plan a get together with kids if not. 3 months ago

is off and I am letting it control me.

I am edgy and rattled.

there’s not a lot I can do about this particular deficiency so I shall write it out and hope it jolts me back into awareness.

It’s sending me into a negative thinking cycle

I’ll try a hoop meditation tonight and promises to treat myself well. No self destruction/self pity allowed.

thanks. 3 months ago

a difficult couple of weeks. First my father was in the hospital for a while which was a big worry. He’s home again now and seems alright, however there are more checkups lined up.

Then in the last couple of days I’ve run into some financial worries. And just this Friday I learned that next year I’m supposed to help make my own job obsolete.

Adding into this is my usual problem with not-enough-sun in the winter and so I currently feel mightily off-balance, have headaches and almost no energy outside of work.

I had a big low last night and am actually better today, trying to take one day at a time and not worry too much about unknowns. I’ll have to see how successful I am in the next couple of days… 5 months ago

I really notice how I need to hibernate right now. I’m really not in the mood to go out, even for movies.

But I think this is currently good for me, time to “calm down”, so I can get into the mood to go out and do things again. 5 months ago

have consumed my time as well as the AA meetings now. But I think I am balancing them. 6 months ago

some stomach bug last week. I was able to take two days off work before the weekend. Hope that was enough. I can’t say I feel thrilled about going back to work tomorrow morning, esp. in this rainy windy weather, but I’ll try…

FWIW the cats seemed to have enjoyed having me around more :) 7 months ago

sometimes it’s okay to be out of balance. I spent the Saturday with friends and the Sunday with family.

And these days, being out ‘til 3am, I really feel that in the next days.

So in a way I’m paying for it, but I’m still glad I did it. I just won’t plan on doing it again for a few weeks… 7 months ago

I can feel it in everything I am doing and not doing. 8 months ago

but school and work are kicking my butt. I keep thinking if I could just get caught up I will be okay but honestly, the anxiety, the loneliness and depression make it hard for me to start anything sometimes. I try to remember that I am the one who made these choices and I think that in the long run I will be happier for them but right now this is where I am and I need to get through this to go where I want to really go. 8 months ago

the cooking took me 3 hours longer than expected so I was up 3 hours later and slept 3 hrs later so that nice routine that I put in place yesterday and worked so well is already 3 hours behind.

I need to figure out a way to deal with this. 8 months ago

which includes work, school, exercise, study time, laundry, groceries, cooking and fun. (Although I did forget to add cleaning and computer time in there.)

I need to now figure out food and eating habits to include with that. I will keep tab of it all. I am hoping this will work. It allows me 27 hours of studying for two classes. I was told allow 4 hours per credit for a hard class and 3 per credit for an easier class. and I have allowed an additional 6 hours because Calculus is just so damn hard. 8 months ago

than I think I probably should have, painting and working on stuff in the house. I should have gone out more but when I think about doing so, it kind of scares me, and that is when I know the depression have set in, it makes me afraid of going out. Weird. But all this inside time is not being balanced with any outside time. I do hate the heat and I have just spent a week in Washington, Baltimore and Philadelphia in scorching heat outside for hours and hours and hours so maybe it does balance out. 8 months ago

works best for me, vacation has no routine, as much as vacations can be relaxing and fun, the routine is not there so it leaves me feelign a little anxious. 8 months ago

that I am not getting anything else done. The house is a mess but there is furniture everywhere and plastic on the floor and paint buckets and clothing from the drawers other places, it is a mess!! I can’t seem to get organized.

I need to get out and do something though. I visited with Sarah yesterday and hoping to maybe see Amber tonight. Perhaps a movie, a walk to the bookstore, stop over at the school for a walk on campus, visit the library. 9 months ago

I will focus on balance. I have a ton of things to do since I spent the last 4 days sitting on my ass watching tv and trying to get this break up out of my head. two days building up the nerve to do it, and two days crying about it. So I have done nothing else. I have a ton of things to do. I was going to go visit my mother today but it doesn’t look like I am going to do that.

Today I need to do the following things.

car registration

Osher scholarship

Exam
- Cancel fairpoint or comcast
Fasfa

Vsac

Exit interviews

call VT Tax office

email professor
- cook for week
go through email for work
- iron
groceries
- prepare notes and cheat sheet for the 9
walk

and I will get it all done because I don’t really have any other choice. I have let this break up with K consume me for the last few days and now I am under the gun. I guess I knew I would be and that would light the fire under me. Sometimes that is what it takes to move forward. 9 months ago

find myself sitting here thinking of all the things I need to do and all the things I want to do and with this depression, not wanting to do any of them. I sit paralyzed, trying to make lists that may get get done. 9 months ago

I don;t have any, that is why I am often left feeling like I have no control or structure in my life. Which as a result leaves me with no feeling of balance.

I need to incorporate some routines. 9 months ago

money, family and friends, work, school, exercise and fun.

Yes, I believe success and happiness are to be found in truly accomplishing THIS goal not just accomplishing one of the others. Balancing them all. I find myself really focusing on this lately and it seems to work better for my life. I always knwo when I need to have some fun. 10 months ago