cave like….stuck? introspective…? Even my mind won’t go very long with inspiration or ideas before it wants to shut down.
Very odd…not sure what I need to be doing or what I am actually lacking at the moment, if anything.
I’m starting to consider that I (one) should simply honor these moods/phases.
There’s a tugging/aching at my heart that I am gently trying to explore.
finding my worth and where it lies….feeling as if I need to be active, hyper active, to make things happen, to earn money, to get my damn head out of the clouds, to work, figure things out but I am weary, so weary and lost and beside myself.
I feel guilty for being allowed this. I feel like a failure for not taking care of myself.
I feel identity-less without romance or a social life to speak of.
I feel a huge lack of confidence, lack of ability to support myself, to share myself, my services. I feel extremely isolated.
I feel a bubbling up strength though, a deep down knowing that things will be just fine and lovely, actually, soon, eventually, again and then not.
Right now, it’s just…weird…and focused inward and shallow..not in the body or the intellect but rather in a dream…a languorous melancholy half awake dream.
I don’t want to sleep or give up but I cannot force myself into strong physical action. I pray this….is a sort of action in itself. 4 weeks ago