stop being smug

under other goals instead of giving it its own space.

After my IM exchange today with a friend who left the conversation hurt and angry and my growing intolerance of what I see as another friend’s lack of personal responsibility and self-absorption, I’m concerned about how judgmental and impatient I’ve become. I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve discovered a(nother) pocket of inconsistency in myself. I’m still hashing through this in my mind, so I’m not sure how much sense this entry will make.

My ethics and morals are, I think, self-generated rather than context-generated. If it is right in my moral universe to be respectful, that doesn’t change if someone is disrespectful to me. Your prior lies don’t excuse my lie. A corrupt government does not justify citizens cheating each other. Yet, as much as I believe this to be true, I am often intolerant of those whose ethics and morals do not mirror mine, those I see as opting for the easy dodge of blame and denial. If I truly believe I am accountable to myself and my God only, then what business is it of mine how others behave? They aren’t accountable to me. I have a growing impatience with people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and their choices. I feel unable to sympathize with those who would rather talk about what should be rather than deal with what is. Honestly, it’s none of my concern. If I feel that contact with them is harmful to me, I should distance myself. Otherwise, I should live according to my soul’s guidance and not expect others to adhere to my way of approaching life. We may all end up in the same place, but we take very different paths to get there. Someone may be able to get to their “should” only by experiencing the frustration and negative consequences of choosing their “shouldn’t” first, perhaps hundreds or thousands of times.

(I do believe we have a responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. This is in no way a justification of letting dangerous people prey on others while we stand passively by hoping that they come to their senses. I’m speaking of my attitude toward what I consider immoral, unethical or irresponsible behavior.)

I need to do some careful examining of my assumptions and conceits around this subject.

if I just wasn’t so gosh-darned better than everyone else. Sigh. The burdens of superiority are onerous but sparkly.

(note to self: schedule second CT scan stat!)

I am really struggling not to judge myself as better than a friend of mine. She says that poverty is the only thing standing between her and happiness. I don’t buy it. She started to tell me how hard it was to have people leave you in debt but when I said, rather pointedly, that I understood that, she quickly said, “I know, I know.” She knows about my debt and how it came about and she owes me money. I’m feeling that she should take responsibility for her bad choices. Well, that’s what I need to do but who am I to say what she needs? It seems obvious to me that she’s unable to hold a job. But she refuses to see how she’s created her current state of affairs. It’s like she can remember only the most recent bad luck and not the dozens of decisions before that led her to this place. I’m being very judgmental and more than a little smug about the fact that I’m paying off my debt.

I’ve been eyeing this goal for awhile, wondering if it still merited space. The sentence stems that I do every workday morning have revealed that this is an area in which I still need to grow. (Background: Nathaniel Branden, in his book The Art of Living Consciously, uses sentence stems: the beginning of a sentence such as “If I take full responsibility for my standard of living…” You provide six or more endings, as quickly as possible, for each set for a week. Among the amazing stem programs in the book, there’s a 20 week program specifically for work situations. I’m on week 14.)

I’ve noticed that I have a sense of superiority about my job, a sense that I’m not a real admin asst, that I’m somehow just slumming in this job. This is incredibly smug and contemptuous toward admin assistants in general. I cringe to think that I hold myself above other admin assts, that I grouped them together at all, given how many different jobs fall under that somewhat useless title. It can be incredibly demanding to be the administrative catch-all for an entire department or organization. It takes not only admin, software and financial skills and an ability to multi-task and organize multiple schedules but a fair dose of psychological savvy and tact to do it well.

Who the hell do I think I am? Being an admin asst may not be satisfying to me long-term, but there are dissatisfied doctors, lawyers, PhDs, economists, athletes, CEOs and mayors. My particular dissatisfaction does not illegitimize the entire profession! It’s humbling to find yet another pocket of smug inside me. Good information to have and something to keep an eye on, as I intend to stay in this job for at least three more years and probably longer, in order to get my finances sorted. Learning, ever learning…

In a conversation recently, a friend was saying that if she was surrounded by mature and stable people, she would be much healthier. The gossip of our group of friends really gets to her. I caught myself thinking that it would be better if she didn’t care what people did, better if she worked on her reactions to people rather than trying to find people with fewer flaws. I thought my way of dealing with people was superior to hers and that’s just not true. My way works for me. Her way is causing her some discomfort right now, but it may be a necessary part of her learning curve.

I do believe that some mistakes are necessary, no matter how painful they are. The love affair that ends in humiliation can teach you to love as deeply but more wisely next time. Losing money can teach you to trust your instincts about who to trust. Missing out on the perfect career opportunity can teach you that it’s as important to be prepared for success as it is to be prepared for failure. I believe this but I forget to put it into practice and remain non-judgmental about others’ choices. Sometimes a bad choice is the only choice that will ultimately change someone’s life for the better.

I’m glad that I didn’t tell her I thought that it wasn’t other people she needed to focus on. Maybe, for reasons that I can’t see, that is what she needs right now. Maybe not. But my way isn’t better, just better for me.

A friend and I were talking last night about how I often wish I could skip to the middle of romantic relationships and friendships and miss the early infatuation phase. “Call me when you’re not quite so keen.”

During the conversation, which was honest and kind of embarrassing, I kept a part of my brain on the lookout for smug. This was a pretty smug-inducing stuff, as she was basically assuming that I knew that lots of people really liked me, that I was sought after as a friend. I like knowing that my smugometer is well-tuned and at the ready. I feel almost ready to retire this goal as done but will keep it on here a little longer, just in case…

Yes, it was a good entry. Now stop writing glowing reviews of fabulous works of art you haven’t written and get something DONE. Sheesh!

New 43T layout and my first thought was one of smugness, cleverly disguised as “amusement,” that there would be the usual bitching about change. As I said in a previous entry to myself, there are plenty of petty things that I get all riled up about, so I need to have tolerance for other people’s pet peeves. My airily superior sense that these things aren’t really important is just another way of being smug. At least I was able to catch Smug before the mask was fully on.

I can tell that as I stop denying my gifts, you’re rubbing your little hands together and thinking you can slip in unnoticed while I’m not paying attention. No go, baby. I will not be smug or feel superior about what it is that I can do. You don’t get to stow away now that I’ve put up my sails and am letting the Universe steer me to the next lesson. Shoo, Smug, shoo!!