He just appeared from out of nowhere. We are friends, only friends and nothing but friends. And I just want to point out that I have no crush on this guy, I just like being his friend. I generally kda like to be around smart people and he is absolutely smart!

One thing I don’t like is that he always plans for both of us to meet and I tell him to confirm before a day but I receive neither a phone call nor a text message the day before we were supposed to meet! Or on the day itself, or even the day after!!

And I start convincing myself that he may forgot or just too busy, but this did not happen only once or twice, but always!!
We have managed to meet once, and it was not a date – again, we are friends – and the place was nice and relaxing, we drank our coffee and talked. I think it took almost an hour there.

But I still don’t know him very well. One day I felt so vulnerable reminding him about our next meeting that HE planned for, but he did not text back. Two days later he called apologizing that he was so freakin busy to remember! Sorry but this is so rude.

I felt silly that I barely know the guy and I am giving the whole thing all this attention. I asked myself many times why he is doing this. If he was trying to avoid me by any means why on earth do he plans for meetings and then suddenly disappear?

But honestly this is why I do when I have nothing else to do; I start thinking about very unimportant things, majoring the minors, asking myself questions while at the same time I don’t really care about how the answer is going to be. And I don’t like that feeling of me forcing myself on other people.
Better to keep myself busy with my books ‘cause I get so exhausted of this over-thinking thingie.

So let’s go back again to what we were talking about, what was I talking about? Ooh yes the weirdo smartie guy and me feeling vulnerable of texting first. The word ” Vulnerability “reminds me of two Brene Brown TED talks and I decided to watch them again, since I have a long term goal of ” trying to understand myself ”.
But before watching the two videos again, I left my prejudice back behind, and texted him first, reminding him that we were supposed to meet this weekend as HE planned, yes yes you guessed right! He called back asking what I was talking about!!! Then I told myself: “Oh no I should have expected that! It is happening again for the 43853729th time!!”. Awkward silence. Then I wanted to punch myself in the face for texting first at the first place. I felt so stupid like I am forcing myself on this guy. I do have male friends from college and outdoor voluntary activities and they are all cool and everything, I just can hardly understand what is wrong with this one.

After that awkward phone call, I wrote it down in a paper: “I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER TEXT HIM FIRST AGAIN”. That vulnerability feeling is awful, no one could doubt about that, and only one sentence came to my mind which was:
“بتحطي نفسك في مواقف بايخاااااااااااااهـ”

Then I watched the two Brene Brown TED talks, and it turned out as she explained that we understand vulnerability the wrong way. Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is pure courage, emotional risk, exposure, it is our most accurate measurement of courage.And it is the birth place of creativity, innovation and change.

Quoting: ” Our culture is obsessed with perfection and hiding problems ”.

So I am a courageous girl lol !! :D 1 month ago

Many many things I want to write about. Next I am going to blog about:-

1- That guy :/

2- Imperfections.

3- A very stupid old men I meet everyday.

I am not a negative person, and I am NOT trying to complain here I am just trying to breath, to scream through this writings, that is all ! 2 months ago

For centuries I have been looking for a single Sudanese user in 43things.com but could not find a single one, so let’s suppose that I am the only Sudanese here. And since I am the only Sudanese here, the term “Mandatory national service” might seem strange for the readers, I am going to explain it as simple as I can.

There is a low here in Sudan, after you finish your college degree, you can’t be hired unless you worked in a governmental institution for 12 continues months without getting paid, or actually they pay you very little[my bank pay 10 dollars monthly. Yeah 10 US dollar, don’t drop down your jaws]. The point is to serve your country FIRST before being independent in your career. And so the fresh graduators have no other choice but to work these 12 months so they could receive their “national service release” and start applying for jobs.

And you don’t have to spend these 12 months in a place that is related to my major, for example I know a girl who have graduated from Agricultural science and doing her national service in a bank ! It depends on the contacts that you can reach and how smart you are to work in a place that pays good. No no it actually depends more on the contacts, we call it in Sudan “Wasta or Was6a”….never mind.

And I do struggled at the first, I could not easily find a suitable place to do these 12 months, a place related to my major (which is I.T), and the poor me does n’t have the magic stick, the CONTACTS ..yeah the wasta ! lol . So right now I am doing it in a bank, not in the I.T department sadly, but in the finance department. I wake up every morning before the sunrise, take the public bus to be there, stay in the office for 8 hours to do works that have absolutely nothing to do with my major, return back home so freaking tired by 6:00 p.m.

But here are some funny facts about this 12months (which we call “Al khedma al w6neya”), or let’s call it here “Al kedma”: 75% of single girls finish this khedma with a husband in the hand, whom is eventually is an employee in the place they were doing their khedma in. If you are a girl, doing the khedma, and you finish the whole 12 months without being engaged or married, you are not smart enough!!

I was so upset at the beginning of my national service, did nt feel good about it at all, and I know that if I tried to keep looking for other companies or organization, I would wait for really a long time, and I wanted so bad to finish this 12 months so quickly to start seeking a real job! I have already wasted 3 months after graduation searching. So in an other way, I am kind of accepting my role in that bank. People there in my unit were so tremendously nice in my first day there, I was wondering why they are treating me that nice lol !!!

But when 10 days passed I cried one night to my parents about how I am going to stand the rest 11 months 20 days doing this work! Paying me 10 US$ amonth! I am 21 and still receiving money from dad which is really frustrating. And before that I cried to my sister telling her how despert it is when I remember my hard working in college days and my plans and dreams of being an extra-ordinary in I.T.

Any ways, I am kind of accepting it now. The whole thing won’t matter 10 years from today. I am counting down the days, trying to focus on the positive side. 3 months ago

Green is my favorite color, although I dont have any green clothes but I simply love it! And this days I am planning to steal my sister’s green blouse since she gained weight after pregnancy and it won’t fit her any more [puh-leeeeez dont tell her that I have mentioned that ! lol ].

Last Wednesday I stopped by a bookshop and bought a small green notebook and a green pen, intending to carry them anywhere I go. Just incase I felt the need to record any random thing at any random place. How lovely it is to see them there inside my bag :’D

I have always been obsessed with this stationary thingies. Back in high-school days I used to spend money on stationaries more than what I used to spend in clothes and other girlie stuff. In Oman you would easily find those really big two-flour book shops where you can find twenty different types of pencils, notebooks, sticky notes, back-bags, rubbers….That place was like heaven to me!! I could spend hours and hours just roaming around and fill my bascket with oodles of things I really really love !! Oh God I am missing these old Omani days :’)

So I am not feeling good right now while writing this. I am an optimist person and everything but right now ummmmm i just dont want to bring up reasons. And when this kind of emotions hit me for reason or for no reason I do little tricks to cheer me up and to move away those bad vibes; flashing back the sweet old memories, writing, trying to convince myself that this day will not matter ten years from today, reminding myself that God has always his own reasons which I firmly believe are the perfect ones, and many more things.

Since there are many closed doors, eventually there is always going to be an open one for us. We just got to keep searching and digging deep down there inside ourselves.

Pray more, pray more, pray more. 3 months ago

My 43things page will always be my lovely cave, to where I run into in the moments of happiness and sadness. I dont know what I was going to do in my life without this wonderful site :’D 4 months ago

The fact that someone has the power to kill your dreams and all the things you are passionate about, and you have nothing to do but a small hope. You have tried, shouted, cried, convinced, did whatever you are afforded to do. You fought, talked, explained, expressed how bad you need to do that thing, how it is important to you, you was vulnerable, you showed your emotions, you anger, sadness and weakness.

You tried the hard ways, believed in yourself that nothing would go to get in your way.

But then one word, a single bare word came out and ended it all. You tried again what you have done before, but it did not work this time.

Then you hated yourself, hated every thing. You just felt the need to hate and hated yourself for that need.

And if you cried so badly like it’s your first time crying and your last, and felt the need to just fly away, far away from anything/anyone you knew, and wanted to be isolated in a secret undiscovered island, and just to stay there for ever for eternity, then there is something wrong. Something BIG.

And deep down you feel insecure, weak, stupid, and the only question that you are asking is why. For the first time you got to know how strong is the word no. And you are free falling, exhausted, tired of everything.

This is how they kill you, this is how you are truely become dead.

And i am not a good talker, I write alot. So, at the end of all this dilemma I am going to write a letter to God. I feel closer to him this way.

Because today I am really tired, tired that I could not hold it on and instead i am writing a 43things entry about it. Tired that I have totally forgot about all the positive things I kepy practicing and writing in my twitter bio and my “about me” in 43things. Tired that there is only one sentence my head kept telling me whenever someone tried to cheer me up, which is “It is not that simple”. Tired of the tiredness itself. I was seeing only black and white. Am I negative pessimistic person or just trying to be realistic? Could not know. 4 months ago

I know i should use less paper but im gunna buy a notebook. Most of my i-want-to-write moments came to me when im in public bus (which i use a lot) and i dont feel convenient pulling out my cellphone and start typing a note. Dunno why!

It takes a whole hour from house to the school I voluntary teach in, two buses! I have no problem with that but when im nt in the mood to read a book i just keep staring through the window to views I ve already seen for like almost everyday.

Got to deal with this obsession of writing random irrelevent things! It drives me crazy when i dont find a pen or notebook or an internet connection to reach my 43things list to write a new entry.

I dont talk a lot in public, kind of an introvert person, may be that explain why i write that much. But i like those silly entries anyway Lol ! 5 months ago

I was hit by a car long time ago in Muscat in 1999. I was so young at that time, almost 9 and the consequences were terrible! The last thing i remembered was me begging dad not to go out with them because i was so sleepy but he insisted, i was in the car with them(dad, brother, sister#1, sister#2) and since i was the youngest they left me to set by the window as i used to love. And then I felt asleep and then i woke up founding myself in hospital, my dad was carrying me with his both arms, he was wearing white Galabeya (Traditional Sudanese men clothes) but it was all red with blood! i said wow where da heck am i ? and why he is carrying me like that! Strangely i did nt feel any pain. I looked at my dress and it was all red!!! Then i screamed with tears to him “Dad, am I going to die??”, then there was darkness. I passed out.

My father later told me that i asked him whether i am going to die 7 times.

Damage was horrible, I wish that no one would get through sucha thing. The coma was just for couple days. The other car that hit ours was really a big truck, those land-cruiser big cars. And it hit our car from the right side, and since i was sleeping by the right window i received the hit! :O

There was a big hole in my right cheek that my teeth could be seen through it, and i was unable to walk, the window glass was in my neck,too. So I had a plastic surgery for my face and neck, and i had to keep the bandage in my face for weeks. Two weeks after I left the hospital i was struggling a little bet in walking.

And it did not stop at that plastic surgery, I had to go to the hospital frequently so as those docs work more in my face to get it as normal as they could. The surgeons were really nice to me, telling me that I am so beautiful and I dont have to worry about my face no matter how it looked like, dad was super supportive,too. God bless him. But since i was just 10 years old their talk did nt seems logical to me, it did nt make sense back then! It was nt as simple as they were saying!! I used to cry whenever i looked at myself in a mirror. And going back to school was a big challenge, all the kids and teachers were asking what happened to my face.

And i was nt talking to anyone about this everyday struggle. I was so silent about it. I was young and sad, i was nt really mature enough to look at the story from different prospective. My parents were beyond supportive but the whole thing was really difficult to me to stand.

But one day when i was in high school, I saw in Oprah show a woman talking about her experience after she was hit by a car driven by a drunk guy. I dont remember her name, the girl was beautiful, like really so damn beautiful before the accident and after it she changed alot! no any relation between before and after the accident. i felt like that epesoid was just for me, the woman simply inspired me! I cried really hard that night, cried like it was my first time crying and my last. I wished I could meet that woman just to tell her how wonderful she is and how beautiful no matter what happened to her whole body.

I admit that I felt stupid that her whole body was damaged, but me just my right check and it was almost normal after the plastic surgeries. I felt sorry for myself that I have wasted all this years in sadness, that life is really shorter than what we think, that something worse could happened, that I have nt noticed the positive sides of the whole thing.

I washed my face from all the tears, prayed, thanked God for the second chance, thanked him that I still have my limbs, that i did nt lose my sight, that i still breath, thanked him that i watched Oprah that night. Thanked him for the new me. That was my turning point.

I am super duper happier now, I love life more, motivated, with big dreams, believing in miracles. Now just remembering this story make me take a deep breath and smile from the deeeeeeeep down of my heart. Second chances are priceless.

^_

One of the longest entry that I have written here! Sorry people! LOL!5 months ago

I don’t remember the last time I have talked about my goals and passions in life with someone; they don’t seem to like this kind of conversations so I just write. And so, I have graduated 3 months ago and one day I went to college to edit my name in the graduation certificate ‘cause I suddenly realized that my last name was not correct. I met that mate, we once had a talk about this 43things website long time ago and his first question when we met tonight was “Are you still blogging in that silly old site?” I fought a smile and said “yup”, but I was boiling inside. I told myself that I should not share such things with those folk! But at the end I felt sorry for him. He has no idea how wonderful this process is.

Talk less, write more. My mantra !5 months ago

When creating an account in this site I have never imagined that I would write this much, I thought that i would just list my goals in a list and keep tracking my progress.

And so far I have written 107 articles “entries” related to my goal! But that was really so relaxing and relieving for me. I am nt talkative person, me shy, introvert and that might explain why I write that much i guess …

And i am nt intending to become a writer or novelist or something like that. Nahi Nahi …

But anyway, I do enjoy my silly random writings. I adore them! and when i am out of nothing to do I just re-read them again, starting from the oldest ones. And the perfect time for blogging is at the late night when every one out there is sleeping, specially my annoying 3 years old niece :p 6 months ago

So here I am just talking about a personal problem that I have been facing for a long time, and I think that most of us have been through the same thing. It is when everybody around you is expecting you to act in a certain way, or to be a certain person. Or a “copy-paste” of your folk.

How did that affect me?
And I was lost and confused in identifying my own personality, struggling with the feeling that my own life is not really mine. I started asking many questions of whether I am really and truly doing this for myself or just for satisfying others and making them happy… my major in college, my friends, my hobbies, my songs…etc
Over-thinking , and the big questions were 1- who am I? and 2- Am I doing the right thing? 3- What is my purpose?

And I felt totally lost, over thinking, headache headache headache! Could not understand from where I should start. And feeling guilty all the time that I am not taking any real actions to avoid this crises.

I felt the need to scream out loud and just shout to people to stop!! But stop doing what exactly I don’t know! I felt the need to breath

Then an idea came to my mind, I will just write. And I was not really a good writer but I decided that I will write down whatever in my mind. ‘Cause I needed to move away all that stress and to help to stop thinking too much.

But I have already started writing since I was in 6th grade, but un-connectedly. I was a very different person at that time when compared to who I am now. And most of my writings were extremely negative, just about the things I hate, how I despise everything that happened to me, and stuff like this. At 7th grade I realized that this is not helpful at all, I should change the way I write. So, I started focusing more about the day-to-day normal things. But sadly I was very irresponsible girl… I lost all the note-books in where I use to keep my writings! And I could not remember where I kept them, mom said that may be the maid had through them away by mistake but I was extremely sad and stopped writing for while but in resumed again in high school days! Thankfully I still have my high-school notebooks.

So back in time I was writing just because I was bored and afraid with no courage to talk about how I truthfully feel.

But as we grew up, the way we think changes. My writings became less negative. I still was not so professional in writing but I decided to carry on and I was really enjoying the process. I even forgot the reason of why I am doing this.

In college I became more organized, I told myself that I should start a blog, but while browsing number of blogs online I noticed that most of the bloggers were blogging about specific topics and the blog should have a name related to what they write, and my writings were so random! So I felt that a blog won’t be that suitable for what I write.

And by the way I am in love with someone, so badly in love with him
and I won’t keep it as a secret anymore! His name is Paulo Coelho and I have been loving him since I was 17 years old(3 years ago, I am 20 :p ) and he once told me that whenever I really truly badly want something, the whole universe will conspire for me to have it! And he was absolutely right. When we start asking questions, when we have the courage to fail and make mistakes, we will see the fruit of our labor at the end of the road. And likes attract likes.

In 2010 a friend told me about the 43things.com website, and my first impression was BINGOOOO! That is exactly what I am looking for! And now I am doing great with it! I use it more than Google and twitter!! I call it my stage, my platform, my own space. It is more than just an online account in a social web site.

Thoughts, stories, feelings come to my mind, I wrote them down in a word file, upload them to my 43thing account and press the “save” bottom. I share. Now I virtually scream! I feel splendid! :D

Quotes that made me think and re-think
I recall a quote which says “I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret of failure is trying to please everyone. “

TED talks that have inspired me
1- Brene Brown- vulnerability I – TEDx Houston – 2010
2-Brene Brown- vulnerability II – TED LongBeachCalifornia – 2012
3-Susan Cain- Introverts Vs Extroverts – TED LongBeachCalifornia – 2012

Conclusion
It is a real crisis when you are surrounded by people that don’t appreciate or respect the differences between each other. Go out of your comfort zone and explore the world around you. And “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely, or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being”! We are all somehow unique. 6 months ago

People, pardon my silly shallow writings, my terrible English and my grammar mistakes. I am in an open holiday and I have all the time in the world and I am just trying to breath here! 6 months ago

It’s ok to break down. It is not just a sign of weakness ‘cause even breaking down requires courage. And i did break down that night. And how bittersweet it was.

I had that small conversation in my head first “Hey Taqwa hold on the tears, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry! dont start it now!!! Nooooooooooh!! ” but there was another inner voice like “Girl, it’s ok. don’t be that hard on yourself”.

But at the end I did it and then took a deep breath and that was really convenient. My friend was with me that night and her presence and support was like the world to me, Bless her. 6 months ago

So the story is one of my nieces(Rayan) is suffering from a very rare disease called “batten disease”. She had lived her first year so normally but in her second year is when we start noticing the signs of it.

She really suffered a lot, and I have nt seen a baby in my entire life suffering the same.

Rayan lost the ability to walk, talk, eat with her mouth, laugh, smile, even cry! i have nt seen her crying like normal babies for a long time! and she is losing her sight by time.

Her mother (my sister) has been through a lot of ups and downs, we have strong believe and we have the hope, prayers and positive vibes from people.

One day her mother showed me a you-tube video about a little kid called Noah suffering the same disease and the mother has started “The Noah’s hope project” to inspire others and to rise awareness about this disease.

It was like that :
-Sis: hey have you heard about the Noah’s hope thing?
-Me: No I have nt , what is it?
-Sis: here is my phone, check out his video.
-Me: Ok, no problem.

I watched it, silently.

By the way while writing this entry I stopped for a long time at the previous line ‘cause I sword that I could nt find the words that express how I felt about that video! I really cried hard, so hard that day, I stayed alone in a room and cried till I reached the last tear. I have nt cried like that in my life. And I really want to write down why and what that video represent to me but I am sucha terrible writer!

I just can’t imagine how my sis is feeling. I am Rayan’s aunt and could nt stand just knowing two facts about the disease from the video, what about the mother? I then realized how strongly believer she is. I have nt lived with sucha strong woman as my sister.
The background song of the video was fix you by Coldplay. The lyrics were so touching.

I really don’t know what to say but I just felt the need to write and here I am writing.

• Please take a time and google: “Noah’s hope” 6 months ago

You see! After coming back to yourself, and after you start seeking me again look how you feel this days!!

You are in love with me more than ever before, even the old depression is not that bad as before. You are getting more relaxed and you now know much better more about what you really want. Some of the many things are getting a little bet clearer. The conversations we had in the past are having good impact on me and you, so keep going!

You are wonderful and you know. Wonderful attracts wonderful. Keep this spirit high! 6 months ago

Dear myself,

I have been enjoying spending time with you lately. Staying indoor is not really going to be a boring experience as we both used to feel. Writing has helped you to reduce that bad stress. The time we spent together late in night, thinking deeply about stuff was such a healthy thing to be done! 6 months ago

Me: why you are not like everyone else?

Myself: in what way? What do you mean?

Me: you know what I am talking about. You get depressed easily!

Myself: yeah this is one of the most thing I hate about myself. Small little things could ruin the rest of my day. Being over sensitive is really a bad thing to live with.

Me: have you ever tried to find a solution to this thing?

Myself: it is not that simple. I have born with this thing. Being in Sudan kman made it worst.

Me: you are just making living in Sudan as an excuse for the whole thing. Instead, you should try to find the real reasons.

Myself: I don’t know and I am not sure. You are the only person that have been knowing me for 20 years. I hate being insulted, I hate being rejected and I despise being understood the wrong way. I have been facing this shit every single day in my life.

Me: just let it go! Stop giving all that attention to this crap!

Myself: I am trying to.

Me: you seems like the type of people who thinks too much.

Myself: Hell yes! Too freaking much of thinking! Sometimes I find it not easy to control the rush of thoughts into my mind. But I have tried some techniques that were a little bit helpful but I am not committed to them. Like the breathing exercise. I am thinking about meditation or yoga.

Me: good as start! I have an advice for you.

Myself: Go ahead. I am all ears.

Me: Re-read the spiritual books u have already finished. Read them slowly and write down some notes or lists. Translate every action that happened as a positive thing. You are wonderful and you know. Don’t just be a positive person. Be a positive thinker and take an action!

Myself: Bless you, my lovely me! Every day I am adoring you more and more !!! 8 months ago

Me: how was your day today?

Myself: hhhh I find it a little bit weird talking to you, but it was good. Even if it was the worst day I would not say so. I am just grateful for everything. A good day!

Me: you know what? This is the most thing I like about you, that you could figure out how to cheer yourself up no matter how bad were the circumstances.

Myself: oh what a compliment! Life and pain have been very good teachers to me. I adore you more day by day, Me!

Me: that is not a compliment! It is the truth. You know, I am expecting many wonderful things for your future.

Myself: Yeah I do believe the same. The best is yet to come and all we both should do is to keep believing, keeping the faith.

Me: so true. MashaAllah you are getting wiser day after day! What have happened?

Myself: no, I am just making new small changes, applying them might help me a lot.

Me: guess that talking to me is one of these changes, ‘cause it has been a while since we talk to each other like that, a very long time.

Myself: guess what! for the next coming 30 days you will find me every day talking to you.

Me: I could not be happier !!!

Myself: Bless you, my me!!

Me: but what people think if they found out?

Myself: they don’t have to know, let’s just keep it between me and you. Even if they know that won’t change a thing. For me, I don’t really give that attention to what they think or say about me ‘cause I have been freaking tired of their judgments.

Me: I It’s getting late and I am feeling sleepy. See you tomorrow.

Myself: it was nice talking to you after all that time! May you have sweet dreams!!

Me: Bless U! 8 months ago

I wished that I found the chance to introduce this speech in public ! it would be good I think :D !

-My dream and why
One of my dreams was to become a motivational speaker, and I still want this thing so bad! I love the optimism, looking at the bright side, seeing the cup as half full and this kind of things. I also love cheering myself up whenever I needed that and saying good things to myself like: “wow, look at my smile”, or “You can do it ” and so on. Sometimes they ask to stop doing this because they think that I am insane. I am not selfish, thou. But just trying to never underestimate who I am and I believe that any one has the right to award himself. And the simplest thing to do that is by words.
Loving yourself is a thing, and being a selfish is totally is another thing.

-(A motivational what !!) when did this come to my mind?
I was introduced to that just two , two and half years ago. I wished I have known earlier about what I called “the positive culture”, like when I was still in basic school. But, anyway I am so happy and grateful that I have know what I know today.

-who inspired me
Paulo Coelho !!! <3 I am in love with this man ! specially after reading his book "The Alchemist". I have read this book twice and was fascinated by how the boy from Spine "Santiago" travelled the distances, meeting new people, the sacrifices he had made, leaving his Egyptian lover behind him, believing in the omens and trusting the fate just to make his dream come true. My favorite part in the book was when Paulo start talking about the world greatest truth and the world biggest lie.

The world greatest truth is: “whoever you are, if you really really want something, the whole universe will conspire for you to have it” . And this is one of his most famous quotes.
The world biggest lie is: “At some point in our life, we lose control of ourselves and our lives became controlled by fate” .
I believe that this book should be taught and well educated to basic year students. At this stage the kids are forming their dreams and goals, not all of them find the guiding they need or the push. Sometimes they fear to share their stories so as not to be laughed on and maybe they don’t like to be criticized.

-kids in basic and high schools
I believed later on that if every kid got the chance to be raised with this values, they would be a different growing up persons. Imagine a 6th grade kid telling himself every morning that he can do it, he believe in himself, he is expecting the best, if he failed, the doors are still open for him. Can you all see how good person in their society they would be?? We should never ignore this small changes. Small changes are always sustainable. The small decisions we made in the past is what made us today. 12 months ago

Here is the audio message that I am attempting to submit to the 11elevenproject.com…

” Hey everyone, this is me Taqwa Warrag from Sudan, Khartoum city. 19 years old. I was born in Oman-a country in gulf area- and then moving with my family to Sudan in 2001. Studying I.T, final year.
I heard about the elevenProject just one day before 11.11.11. There were no particular ideas about how to start. I wished I knew earlier about it to be more organized in what I am doing. I felt like kinda confused. But anyway, I was super exciting! I extremely love the idea that the world is going to unite in one day. I wanted to express myself somehow and to get involved in this great project.
I thought to myself, why not telling my friends! It would be great we share each others’ idea, we could do something creative. I told some of them about the idea but no one was really interesting . I was disappointed about the respond I see. I realized that the saddest feeling is when you are surrounded by many people but there is no single person that share you the same interest and believing.
So I decided to do it all by myself. I believed that I can do it. I have no camera, I don’t know how to record a song about this event and I am not really a good blogger, I don’t write that much. I was thinking more about recording a voice message.

Among the 11 topics, my favorite one was faith. I did not really read many spiritual books but I like this kind of speech. Living in Sudan have teach me the patience, determination and believing more in myself. I learnt it the hard way that nothing can be easily obtained.

From the few books that I have read I learnt that it’s better to focus on the positive things and keep the positive attitude and send people positive vibes and to never worried about what will happen in the future, and stop complaining, stop talking about your problems, stop being upset. But I was thinking that we should face our problems , we need to talk about our issues. So, I was asking my younger brother about it , to give me a visualization about what he want to see in Sudan.

-السودان يبقى نضيف
- المعيشة درجات
- شعب كسول، لا نحب العمل.
- الثقافة العامة.
- لا للانفصال بدل نعم للوحدة
- طوالي ماشين لقدام ! ماحاصل 
- النت حقنا كعب 12 months ago

It is not an easy thing to talk about how to rise myself spiritually. I am not really good in talking about this kind of deep things. It requires more reading and searching . But I need to know.

One day I received a message in my TED account from an Austrelian girl, she said that the reason she is writing me is because she said that in my interesting feed in the profile I added “spiritual speaking”, and she is managing a project called 11elevenProject. She wanted me to participate because there are no people from Sudan involved in what they do.

When I visited the website, I knew more about what they are willing to do. The idea of the project is that they want to unite the world in 11/11/2011. They want participant from different countries to contribute by taking pics, videos, audio or blogs. There were 11 topics to talk about :-
1-Faith
2-Love
3-Courage
4-Water
5-Heart breaking
6-making a wish

I am trying to remember the rest. Anyway, I liked the idea, but I wished she told me about that earlier so I could plan what to do in this day. I replied her e-mail saying that I would try my best to find a way to be part of what she is doing.

I don’t know why I felt suddenly like my head is totally empty. I was thinking about introducing a spiritual material as a 5 minutes video but had no ideas of how I am going to do that. I was thinking about whom might help me in this and two persons came across my mind, My little brother Biko and my close friend faddoya. That was in Novermber 10, I did not had the time to meet my friend so I called her to explain every thing but she was really busy that day. My brother was hanging out with his friends all the day long, when he came back home he was freaking tired, he slept early before I could find the chance to tell him about what we can plan to do together the day after.

I sent a facebook message to a friend but no reply. And while I was online I was chatting with another friend from college, just saying hi, howz every thing, howz ur family. I thought why not telling him about the project, he could help. When explaining everything to him he did not really welcomed the idea, he was making jokes out of it and I was really disappointed , I never expect this kind of respond 
I think that I am going to do it all by myself. It is really hard to be among many people, but no single person is sharing you your interesting. 12 months ago

Now it’s 3:51 a.m. No one in the house is awake but me. All of them are sleeping now, mom, dad, Abubakir, Abda and Mimi. I think I am facing sleeping problems because I have noticed that I can’t sleep at 3:00 every day. I was thinking about doing something useful rather that just chatting and commenting on facebook. I really started to hate this thing!

My friend recommended a website for me, where I can receive articles based on my interestings. I really liked it, it is: stumpleup.com. But I don’t know what is the problem with the network today. I suddenly lost the internet connection and could not be able to view the articles of the day.

I did not know what to do. And then I remembered my writing commitment and I had no idea about what should I write. I was just waiting for this month to get over so I can say that I was a writer for 30 days! And I was visualizing what is going to happen after finishing this 30 days? Will I carry on writing or just stop there? There is a small part inside me start loving this job although it was not easy. Who knows what the future hides!

I think I should do some researches to know how did writers get inspired. 12 months ago

I love wearing smiles, they go with everything. I love the way I smile but I hate it when I laugh out loud because my teeth were horrible. I know that I should not say something like that about myself and I have to be more confident but it’s not that simple. Sometimes when the joke is really funny I laugh covering my mouth with my hand! I thought that I look spooky if I did not do that!

By the time I realized that I was giving all that attention to people and I was like trying hard to look good not for myself, but to make them feel satisfied, when they don’t really care…! Sometimes I believe that the way girls think is not logical, not all of them but I don’t know why most of us y3ni are worried that much about their appearance while the guys are not.

So, one of my resolutions was not to give a damn to what they think or say about me. It was not an easy job to do but I started with the small things, and still doing my best to achieve that goal.

So, let’s go back to my teeth issue. After entering the college I was telling myself that I could not stand it like that much longer, so I decided to have a braces. When asking my mom about that she said that unless you are not able to eat you don’t need one because your teeth are not that bad! That made me more confused whether to have it or not. I forgot the idea for awhile and then two year after I put an end to my confusion and decided that I am really going to have it now. It took a long time to decided!

None of my friends was having a braces at that time, neither my cosines. I did not know who to ask about any suggestions for the dentist with whom I am going to start my treatment. After number of phone calls with some relatives I have decided to go to a dental clinic in Al-quasr street. I was exciting about this new thing I am going to do because it has been a very long time since I ‘ve done something for the first time.

Before starting my third year in college by a week, I went to the dentist and he said to me:”where have you been all that time!? You really need this treatment!” I thought to myself again that I have taken the right decision. He was really helpful and I liked the way he treat he treat his patient s. Then after answering all my questions about the braces he told me the bad news, he have to take four teeth right then! I said ok, no problem go ahead. But the pain was beyond description !!! I was telling myself: “oh my God oh my God! What da heck am getting myself through! ” After he finished he said that putting the braces will be after a week, he took those teeth because the others need a space. I think that you now can imagine how horrible they looked like before!

A week after I had my braces. I could not eat anything at the first week. It was freaking painful at the beginning and the hardest part was that I have to brush my teeth after EACH time I eat something! That mean more that 5 times aday!!

And each 6 weeks I had to go to the dentist so that he could change the wire and fix any fractions and my favorite part was choosing a new color for my braces. I have tried the red, pink, purple and turquoise. And at the beginning I was starting at them all the time in front of the mirror. Happy as a child having a new toy!

Still, I was avoiding showing my teeth when taking pictures. Y3ni la kda la kda mrta7a! 3’aytoooo!!!!1 _12 months ago

I was kinda surprised at the first year of using facebook , I was like astonished how people from different places be that close! At that time I was 16 and I was adding people randomly, every girl or a guy with a cool profile pic, directly I move to the add friend button. A year after that I realized that I was really ma jaddah! I start clearing my friend list, removing the odds, and just accepting friend requests from people I know personally.

one day while I was searching about facebook groups that talk about a book I like, I came across a discussion board. Some one was talking about how to install the love software in your inner system something like that, I really liked the topic and I hit the like, then after five minutes I found a friend request from the writer of that topic. I confirmed it and I met him online couple times. He told me about his experience with that book, Ooh I forgot to mention that the book I am talking about is “The secret- Rhonda Byrne”. He told me about how this book has transformed his life and changed the way he look into things.

At that time reading books was not my interest. The secret book was the first book that I have finished, and then I started searching for more interested books, especially the spiritual ones. So, this new friend, whom was American, suggested to me reading the “Alchemist” for the author Paulo Coelho. He sent me a pdf copy and I downloaded it in my labtop. The “Alchemist” was really charming! I never expect that it would be this nice, I could not stop reading it, and I downloaded it in my cellphone so I could carry on reading it any place any time. When finishing the last line of the last page I latterly fall in love with Paolo Coelho ! I was not doing something but reading about this new author, downloading his books, viewing his pics in flicker, writing his quotes as facebook status, reading his blog … I was obsessed!

I have a list of things that I want to do before I die. It contains 29 things and after knowing Coelho I added this: “reading ALL Paulo Coelho’s books”. I downloaded a soft copy of his book: “Veronica decided to die” and after reading it, I came across a man selling old books and I thought, why not asking him about Paulo. He said that he had never heard about him, but I insist that he have to found me a Paulo book. I wrote him the books I am looking for in a small piece of paper and the seller man promised that he would do his best .

A week later I went to the same book seller and I was surprised that he found it ! and when showing me the book it was the same one I read as a pdf copy, but I was happy anyway! I read it again.
When traveling from Sudan to Oman, I spent 3 hours in Sharja airport. As all girls would do, I was just walking, eating and checking the duty free. When entering the book store I felt like I want to take all the books with me. Thank God I had an extra money, I was confused which book to choose. Finally I decided to take “The winner stands alone” sure for Paulo Coelho !

After three weeks from buying THE WINNER STANDS ALONE, me and my mom were walking in street searching for cloths shops. As usual we did not feel the time while shopping. It was like 11:40 p.m and finally we decided to stop and walk back home. In the way I saw an Indian library, I did not know why I never noticed it before, and I insist on my mom to go inside and take a look, it was my last four days in Oman and I thought that I might never find the chance or the time to visit it again. My first question to the book seller was : “Do you have any Paulo Coelho’s books?” and yeah I found number of his novels. I picked “The fifth mountain” and hurried back home.
Later on, my father bought me “the valkeries”, “Brida”, “like the flowing river” and another copy of “the fifth mountain” from Qatar airport!!

Now, having six of his books-not pdf copies- I still don’t feel satisfied! Still waiting for the rest to manifest ! 12 months ago

I never thought that writing would not be that easy I know, actually this is not day5! I skipped two days in my 30 days writing commitment so today I have to write for three days.

Writing itself is not hard, the hardest part is coming up with ideas or thoughts. Right now while typing those lines I am trying to get deep in my head and remember something to write about. Some keyword come across my mind like: silent , pain, suffering… but I don’t like to write about this negative things, Silent is not negative but too deep.

Now, in day 5 I have totally believed that writers are really talented! I can’t imagine myself writing a book of 200 pages . May be writing is not for me but any way, at least I have tried.

Until now I am not seeing any progress in my writings. May be writing is not my thing but I have started a deal and I have to finish it till the end. Why I am doing this? I want to prove to myself that I can do it, even if I failed it’s ok. Just as the love of my life, Paulo Coelho said: “you learn when you lose but you learn more when you win” . In both cases, whether I did it or fail, I would learn something new.

I guess that I started with the hardest thing! Next time im my 30 days commitment I think I will try something easy like taking a picture every day for 30 days or listening to a new song every day for 30 days, this kind of things.

The problem is that sometimes I fear challenges, the idea of trying something new is not in my concern. I don’t know why. I believe that I should dig more inside myself as one of my friend told me.

Now 5 days have passed and I still feel like my writing are kinda flat. I don’t know whether I should try to write about a specific topic or let it open like what I am doing now. I am so confused! I was thinking about asking someone about how to become a good writer but then, I told myself that it’s like a talent more than to be something to learn from someone.

But it feels good! Whenever I start doing it, whether my writings were horrible or worest, it made me feel good :D 12 months ago

Failing, failure, fail. Those are the words I hated, actually I faced them a lot, it did not matter how much I tried to carefully do all the things the right way, sooner or later I was facing it.

The feeling it brings was H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E and I was trying to make myself feeling like its good to fail, next time would be better inshaAllah. But, the next time I failed and after it another fail and it just went like that ! failing after failing after failing.

And I am saying it again the feeling was really horrible! It made me ask myself many questions like why it happened that way? Or was it my fault that my plans were nt suitable for the things I am doing? was it karma? Was it just the fate? Did not I had the enthusiasm and motivations?? Latterly, I was drowning in the sea of my questions.

Whan I was in the 8th grade I failed to get the marks that enable me to go to a high school where all the smart girls could be found. In my senior year in high-school I failed to get the degree that enable me to enter the biomedical engineering college which was my goal. And then after entering the I.T college, the starting was good, my name was in the honor board for three consecutive semester. But since the fourth semester I failed to get more than 3.00/4.00 and my name was out of that list since then till now. In October 2011 I participated in a programming contest, they send you problems and you try to solve them using the programming language you choose, there were 15 problems and the time was 24 hours, yeah you are right I failed again, I have solves ZERO problem !!! I forgot to mention that I have failed two times to pass my marketing final exam, and since the fifth grade I lost hope in being number one in the class.

By the time the way of how I look and think about things have been changed, I have learnt that with every failure I learn something . l learnt it the hard way but at least I realized it any way. Some of the things that helped me in carrying on is hearing other people stories , reading their quotes which were very inspiring and supportive, setting with myself and searching for answers , restructuring my plans and writing about what I felt after each failure.

Writing a key word in google engine and start searching for related quotes became my new obsession ! ok, the following is what I have found online, it is not me, hope I can write things like that :

“Our greatest glory is not in never fail, but in raising up every time we fail. Failing is one of the greatest art of the world, and if you are not failing now and again, you are not doing something innovative. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It’s OK to fail. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing.”

Now I am exciting to my next fail! But that does not mean that I am expecting it… 12 months ago

I never thought that writing would not be that easy I know, actually this is not day5! I skipped two days in my 30 days writing commitment so today I have to write for three days.

Writing itself is not hard, the hardest part is coming up with ideas or thoughts. Right now while typing those lines I am trying to get deep in my head and remember something to write about. Some keywords come across my mind like: silent , pain, suffering… but I don’t like to write about this negative things, Silent is not negative but too deep.

Now, in day 5 I have totally believed that writers are really talented! I can’t imagine myself writing a book of 200 pages . May be writing is not for me but any way, at least I have tried.

Until now I am not seeing any progress in my writings’ skills. May be writing is not my thing but I have started a deal and I have to finish it till the end. Why I am doing this? I want to prove to myself that I can do it, even if I failed it’s ok. Just as the love of my life, Paulo Coelho said: “you learn when you lose but you learn more when you win” . In both cases, whether I did it or fail, I would learn something new.

I guess that I started with the hardest thing! Next time in my 30 days commitment I think I will try something easy like taking a picture every day for 30 days or listening to a new song every day for 30 days, this kind of things.

The problem is that sometimes I fear challenges, the idea of trying something new is not in my concern. I don’t know why. I believe that I should dig more inside myself as one of my friend told me.

Now 5 days have passed and I still feel like my writing are kinda flat. I don’t know whether I should try to write about a specific topic or let it open like what I am doing now. I am so confused! I was thinking about asking someone about how to become a good writer but then, I told myself that it’s like a talent more than to be something to learn from someone.

But it feels good! Whenever I start doing it, whether my writings were horrible or worst, it made me feel good :D 12 months ago

I think I have everything that qualify me to achieve my goal. The passion, determination, the vision, I am good English speaker and writer, and I don’t get bored easily when start reading from the books or references. The BIG problem is that I am freaking loser when it comes to time management!

Whenever I try to set a time schedule and stick to it, it does not work, I always feel like the hours are passing quickly and I can’t figure out from which task I should start. The whole day is mess and I can hardly organize my thoughts. 12 months ago

I am not really a professional writer, I don’t write usually.

That’s why sometimes I find it hard to translate my thoughts, ideas and emotions into words, and I don’t consider it healthy at all to keep all of the inner thinking inside. As I lay typing , I have to write down my vision.

Many questions come across my mind and searching for the answers is a journey itself. Why I am here and why I am doing that? What I am targeting and to where I want to reach? In a Friday morning at 5:14 a.m I realized that if I did not settle things with myself, if I did not define my path, if I did not take the first step nothing is going to change.

My vision is to make a difference-not an easy thing to do- in the society I am living in first, and spread that difference around the world. To be a role model , doing things that make me proud of myself first and people proud of me , and the word “things” here is very deep and wide. To prove to some people that there is nothing wrong with dreaming.

What helps me the most is the fact that I am a very optimist and positive person. I adore reading spiritual books and hearing from motivational speakers. I keep telling myself cheering words and I love that feeling when I start talking to myself like: “go Amanah (my second name! Go girl, you can do it, you are the miracle of your own life!...” . I am simply in love with my self <3 <3 <3 !

But, sometimes I forget that there is me, forget that there is a spirit inside that needs to be fed. I know that when I start feeling like there is something wrong and I cant figure out what it is or how to fix it. That feeling is like a small alert that ticks whenever your soul need you to remember the presence of it .

Lets go back to my vision. I need to do a small analysis to obtain what I am seeking. I don’t really like using this word-seeking- it makes me feel like I am running behind something hard or impossible to obtain. Anyway, I have to put a plan. A plan containing the following:-

- Rules and regulations.
- Goals
- Requirements

I don’t really care about the order, and I did not follow a standard way to structure this plan. I will start with the rules and regulations.
 

RULES AND REGULATIONS
- Reading Quran DAILY.
- Watch less T.V.
- Facebook time is between 8:00p.m -12:00 a.m. (30 minutes maximum )
- your only entertainment would be reading books, and writing ofcoure!
- Stop spending too much time in front of mirror.
- If you could not study, go to sleep, you don’t have much time to waste.
- Studying 3 hours minimum, DAILY.
- Commitment in praying the “Sunna” prayers every day.
- You don’t really need to have a makeup upon your face, save that time in doing something else like reading.
- Keep your workspace organized.
- Carry a notebook everywhere.
- Avoid hearing gossips from girls.
- No matter happen, you are not allowed to skip any lecture or lab

But, after days of writing the above, I asked myself a simple question. Do I really have to follow rules in order to obtain my goals?? It’s like what I have wrote , the rules and regulations are not really my thing.
It is getting more and moooooore conflict!!  12 months ago