understand my emotions

ive just become aware that the man ive been with and have a beautiful child with has been with another woman,,and me ,,the unstable minded one who stays at home cooks cleans has no family friends of anyone else who gives a shit has lost it!i cant think of anything else i scream and yell im mean to all asround me god help me i dont wat to be this way i need to get a grip

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I do understand my emotions – WHEN I NOTICE/DEAL WITH THEM. They are actually not that difficult to figure out. The hard part is dealing with them in a productive way, and acknowledging them in the first place.

An injured young cat followed my roommate home 2 weeks ago. His tail was dislocated, and he had some nerve damage (loss of bladder/bowel control). He was the friendliest little guy ever. We kept him in the basement and hoped that he would get better.

He seemed to be rallying, but then, in the past day and a half, he got sick – stopped eliminating – stopped eating and drinking. He still purred and wanted to be petted, but his little eyes looked tired and sad.

My roommate just got back from the vet and informed me that they had to put him down.

Pretty straightforward – not much to understand right? Just another stray who didn’t make it.

But I’m sitting here bawling anyway, and wondering why it is that I find it so easy to grieve for this little cat, and so difficult to grieve for the much-larger human suffering that happens worldwide every day. It doesn’t seem right.

I did get something back after I replied to his email (and by the way, my response was friendly but not fawning or desperate-sounding)...a MASS EMAIL. Not a stupid forward, but a mass email nonetheless. I hate mass emails as a rule, but even more so when I’m hoping for something slightly personal. Of course, now instead of fantasizing that something will come of this chance encounter, I’m despairing instead that I’ll remain “one of the guys” for the rest of my freakin’ life.

Dammit. I hate that I’m hoping for something more. I hate that my imagination is so quick to run away on me. I hate that I bellyache about what I don’t have instead of appreciating what I do. ishdiacs is totally right – this yearning thing is an addiction. I know it. I just don’t know how to stop it. I’m working to keep myself occupied, and there’s plenty in my life that I AM excited about. But…in the downtime, say, just before I fall asleep at night…I keep finding myself wishing. I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until I’m well into the story I’m telling myself.

I’m not happy about it.

The Buddhists have the right idea – desire IS crazy-making and sadness-causing. Is desire an emotion, or just a habit of thought? Or both? At this point, I’d really like to take a spiritual scalpel to mine.

So, seemingly out of the blue, a long(veryveryverylong)-lost object of painful and completely unrequited infatuation has resurfaced – contacted ME. Needless to say, I am a bit discombobulated. More emotion than you can shake a stick at.

Mostly excitement. But also…

Some fear – what do I say? How do I respond?

More fear – will I let myself get too wrapped up in this as I’ve done in the past?

More fear – am I reading too much into this? I am, aren’t I?

Then, unquestionably – more excitement. Big fat hyper 12 year old spazzy excitement. Which I must, must somehow curb if I am to respond in a non-freaky way.

I’m really upset – more upset than I realized – by this most recent school shooting in Lancaster County, PA. I’m so familiar with this type of one room Amish school, more so than any of the suburban high schools etc. that have been scenes of similar incidents. I didn’t grow up Amish, but I grew up around the Amish. My grandfather was Amish until his early 20’s. My dad teaches social studies to 8th grade Amish kids. In fact, he probably has students or former students that are closely related to the victims of this shooting. I betcha I know people who know the victims’ families. It’s hitting really close to home. I really don’t know what to do with these feelings. I’ve always been very good at insulating myself from the misery of current events. This one is getting to me.

What upsets me more than anything is the ages of the victims. Not that anyone deserves to be shot and killed – but these girls were 6, 7, 8 years old. It’s just horrific. What I feel more than anything is sorrow for the kids that weren’t killed or shot, but saw this happen to their schoolmates. What will their lives be like? How do you make sense of this? It just shouldn’t be.