heal my childhood

new_start wrote beautifull, touthfull entry that reminded me on all this:

i spent much effort trying to help my mom (rip). afterwards i realised i did it in order to help her to become mother i needed. desperatly.

she couln’t pass on me life wisdom that wasn’t passed on to her. but i knew she loved me immensly.
i dedicated years absorbing other women’s wisdom, in person or by books.

not having her besides myself (phisicaly) any more made me easier to face the truth i’m not going to be anyone’s daughter.

i than made a decision to connect closer to people my parent’s age. there are several very nice people i call sometimes and enjoy our conversations very much. now it is time to really make more steps towards them.

maybe it is time to heal my adulthood. 4 years ago

what i want to say…. basically, i’m pretty mad at my father at this point and i want to unload that feeling, release it; i don’t want to be held hostage by someone elses madness (mine either)... oh now i remember what i wanted to say. this morning i realised that bible saying, that shame of fathers are felt by their ancestors until some generation x. (yes i know it is written sins not shame; but word “sin” is non-word to me, i don’t attach to it any meaning. that is another discussion.)

i suddenly realised that burden of shame i was carrying on my shoulders first 2-3 decades of my life – first two were especially hard on me – it was my father’s shame, for his doings i wasn’t aware at that time. shame! lying, cheating, real shame!

(of course my daddy was saint to me all that time, b/c i needed one! but it was not the point now, it is another story, my electra complex i cured – woke up from, better said, in my late 30-ies.)

point is about shame, shame of fathers. why i always searched female line of inheritance of bad feelings like all uglyness comes from womanhood? shame of fathers! shame my father must have been dealing with having his own drunk father on his shoulders… shame i was carying on my shoulreds not knowing why. all spotlight was on my mum as one and only abuser in family. but the real abuser was dad. oh yeas, that funny & charming guy! she should have been sociopat not to react to his behavior – she was screaming from the top of her lungs all her life, rest in peace now, and she was right!

(well she let herself be caught in that net – they weawed it both, aren’t they? – sane thing to do would be to leave him and move to another town – but she couldn’t, becouse she was, guess what? to ashamed to do that! becouse of her secret pregnant wedding, becouse she let her father down by doing that, becouse he cried when he found out, becouse he wanted to be at her wedding, she was his oldest dother… becouse. speaking abot shame.)

i won’t describe here my father’s behavior. becouse this is about me, not about him. (this is not about judging. i hope i’ll release it. i guess i’ll forgive him for not being the father i needed when i don’t need him any more, right? meaning that i still need him, huh?)
this is about me: innocent child feling shame; i could never understand that quote, fathers who eat souer grapes, and generations to came to have that taste on their teeth, sins of their fathers and that stuff, sorry for my bad english; now i got it! i got it loud and clear: i know that feeling! i know. and now i understand myself much better now. that is my whole point. i understand now. i feel profound relief now and that is what i want to share.

and here is yet another discovery – that i still need a father! and that is real reason why i’m resenting things my father recently did to me and my sis! why on earth should i still be needing a father? needing what? {bingo!} approval! meaning what? meaning that i’m not giving enough approval to myself. i need to approve myself. i need to unwind and give that pat on my back to myself. on daily basis. knowing that i deserve it.
yeah. am i brilliant or what. ;-) good girl. 4 years ago

drama is worst then ever since i digged out many things. in essence, i discovered that i was hiding behind all kinds of things, i was hiding from myself.

being “smart” is not enough any more. i want results, real breaktrough, change in my life, in my day-to-day life. 4 years ago

i really don’t need it any more.
if it had some purpose, what would it be?
...unlimited source of excuses
...safety of known
...preventing growth
Preventing growth! one of major goals of “upbringing”. it is again to be authentic.
This drama of mine, it is about desperatly hating to go work out. Scared. of doing something for myself – proved to be dangerous.
I need to convince my unconcious mind that now I’m safe and free to do something special to myself. No matter what chores are in front of me.
When i have some chores to do, I’m reluctant to have some treat. So I neither do chores, nor enjoy. Exactly as I did as a child thousand times. (And continued to do as adult.) It is time to let go that image. 5 years ago

Here is what happened: yesterday I wanted to go erging and I put my workout clothes on. Then my SO came home and switched on TV. Then we had an important discussion. After that there was something intresting on TV. And after that it was too late.

So at first I was mad about TV being switched on in the first place. I can resist TV when my SO is not at home, but when it’s on, I can’ deal with it.
But when I thought about it, it is not about TV addiction. It is about me, not being authentic in presence of other people. That’s why i write this entry under this goal.

My wish to go to gym hops in back burner as soon as somebody/something appears on my mental screen. Suddenly it looks not important and become irrelevant. That is my childhood legacy I want to let go! I learned to hide my wishes. Now I want to live my wishes to the fullest!!!

Things I look forward and then postpone. Time is to stop being well behaved child and be fully responsible grown up. I want to embrace things I look forward. I want to let happines shine. THAT is my legacy. 5 years ago

I was wandering why I was atracted to this specific type of man – fortunately I was never involved to none of them (but that is also part of pattern) – man who apears to fine, interesting, with spiritual interests, but soon it turns out that they posess great deal of jerkiness, how to explain: their world turns around themselves only (although they probably don’t think so). and that is a small world, too: they miss genuine warmness, genuine interest for others, they are just disguised in frendly, outgoing mask. That is my impression. And I allways wandered how i can’t see it immediately. Suddenly it clicked and i recognized my Dad in a way I never saw before. 5 years ago

so I finished reading FYOG book. it says that it is important to ackonledge the truth and to experience all feelings. e.g. to mourn and then let go.
i discovered this morning that i often put my focus on my late Mom and our relationship. it is all processed when she was here. but…But! what with my Dad? it was easier no to think.
i hid my feeling about that half of the story behind all things that were revolving around Mom, the same as my Dad hid behind my Mom while she was alive. after that, he couldn’t hide anymore and i finally started to se real him.
new twist is that i started to feel instead of just thinking and knowing mentally, i started to mourn.
active agression is better than passive agression. active agression (Mom) leads to anger, that is much healthier than passive agression (Dad) that leads to low self-esteem to the point of non-existence. yeah they didn’t know better and it is not the point here. the point is to feel instead of bottle up, to understand what happened and how it affects my daily life. 5 years ago

...as an adult I know it is not a question of blame but of not being able to do any differently. – that is my position for last 10 years.
I felt no resentment towards my late mother long before she passed away. I resented her 15 years ago and we went trough the whole process long ago. I told her my truth, she was in disbelief. (Recently my 25yo niece told the truth to my older sister with the same result.) I know she only passed on the torch. My goal is not about resentment but about connecting to my authentic self.
Today i’m enacting something i’m unable to grasp. It is all summed up in my “enjoy the weekends” goal: I want to naturally be atracted towards activities I enjoy. For example, yesterday I struggled very hard to force myself to go swimming. Once I were there, I enjoyed so much. But it was so hard to get there. I’m not allways in the mood for that strugle, more often I just let the time (and life) go by. Later I regret bitterly.
I intelectualy understand that I was raised as a “well-behaved” girl, e.g. not doing what I want, but what others want and it needs time to turn it around; I just don’t get it why it appears so difficult to unlearn that pattern.
I want to “just do it” without any fuss! That is what I want. 5 years ago

Children very often fantasize that they must save or rescue their mother so that she can finally be the mother to them whom they needed form the beginning.

...the adult can freely take out his or her aggressions on the child, whereas the child’s emotional reactions, which are even more intense than the adult’s, must be suppressed by force and by the strongest sanctions.

The gifted child who adapts to parental demands always tries to understand this absurdity and will accept it as a matter of course. But he has to pay for this pseudo-understanding with his feelings and his sensitivity to his own needs, i.e., with his authentic self. This is why access to the normal, angry, uncomprehending, and rebellious child he once was had previously been blocked off. When this child within the adult is liberated, he will discover his vital roots and strength.5 years ago

have i found a label for what is troubling me? that is, disliking what i normally like, and later i’m sorry for missing it. (e.g. going out in sunny weekend)
it [the book] says that trauma leads to repetition compulsion but it doesn’t say how to stop it. any thoughts?

PS.experiencing these previously warded-off feelings… The fact is, i don’t feel them, i have intelectual insight and that’s all. all i feel is strong dislike against doing what i like. postponing, making clever excuses. repressing my vitality. 5 years ago

...Such intolerable confusion about a child’s family background [e.g. secret] can be the cause of learning problems in school (because knowledge is forbidden and thus is threatening and dangerous).
This rings a bell! What was forbidden and thus is theratening and dangerous? In my case it was not knowledge (not family background), it was – what? What was forbidden? To feel, to be authentic. But there was more. Something was forbidden. Maybe there was some secret, maybe it was forbidden to tell the truth? To be truthfull to oneself? I know for sure my mother felt she was denied happiness. I wish I could knew about that in more detail. Maybe happiness itself was forbidden and thus remained threatening and dangerous.
That is how i feel often, in those moments when i want to pursue some happy activity (usually sports). I instantly loose all interest, and I say to myself- do I really want that activity? And something feels wrong and I conclude, no, I don’t really want it. But later I realise it was not the case. 5 years ago

To postpone all the fun, that is what all good-behaved children do! But now 30 years latter i’m still scared to follow my dreams, to dedicate to my dreams enough to make them real goals.
i want to finish reading this book, currently i have other priorities. (i secretly hope there i will find the answer, now when i understand myself and why i’m postponing pleasant things, i want to find out how to stop postponing!)

there are several goals in my life, real goals i’m willing to pay the price for them and to put my effort. still, when that moment comes to actually do some real step, i hesitate too often. i sweat over things, i postpone, i find excuses, i totaly forget my joy. i’m not used doing things i enjoy. this thing i want to heal in my life. i want to get used doing things i enjoy!
“just do it” is the best way to deal with it. but often i’m not focused enough. when i am, i don’t think at all i just do it. no matter what it is. and that is so great. 5 years ago

The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our life.
Everything was revolving around discipline, the same as now!
My joy was supressed to the point of almost non existence, the same as now!
This is astounding.

Time after time, the amazing fact is uncovered that sons and daughters are unconsciously reenacting their parents’ fate—all the more intensely the less precise their knowledge of it. From the few bits and pieces they have picked up from their parents about early traumatization caused by the war, they come up with fantasies based on their own reality, which they then often act out in groups during puberty.
My parents were children during WW II. And their parents were children during WW I.

Every child’s ideas of what is evil are formed according to the parents’ defense mechanisms: “evil” can be anything that makes the parents more insecure.5 years ago

What that kind of strict upbringing did to my late mother. Oh yes, she adored my grandfather. And she thought that his kind of strict discipline is something good. I can only imagine.

And I remember as a 6-7yo (i received antibiotics for 2 years), how proud I was for being able to tolerate the pain of injections without tears. I also remember in occasion when I wanted to say something and raised two fingers, my mother considered that cute. 5 years ago

I’m reading her book (link is in previous entry) and i’m facinated. She is brilliant! There are some excerpts that striked me the most:

...then as adults, regardless of their intelligence, they will later look upon the will of another person as if it were their own. How can they know that their own will was broken since they were never allowed to express it? (fyog, p14)
For parents’ motives are the same today as they were then: in beating their children, they are struggling to regain the power they once lost to their own parents.

I don’t remember any physical pain, I remember pain of humiliation.

The conscious use of humiliation (whose function is to satisfy the parents’ needs) destroys the child’s self-confidence, making him or her insecure and inhibited;...it is only the adults’ friendly manner that remains in the child’s memory, accompanied by a predictable submissiveness on the part of “the little transgressor” and the loss of his capacity for spontaneous feeling.

facial expressions and tone of voice are very popular and often unconsciously used methods too

When still in diapers, the child learns to knowk at the gates of love with “obedience,” and unfortunately does not unlearn this ever after…_Causing a child to feel shame can also be a stratagem in the struggle against willfulness

Indeed, intelligence is capable of innumerable rationalizations when it comes to the matter of adaptation.

The “little people” sit quietly at the table and wait.

She says that unexpress anger turns into hatred directed against the self. Well I’m aware of neither anger not hatred. I’m aware that some part of me is missing, that’s all. What I feel is… hope. Hope that this new discovery (and there is allways some new discovery, new toy) will “save” me in order to become more functional; although i’m more ‘functional’ then i need. in order to feel joy.

For how could someone whose inner development had been limited to learning to obey the commands of others be expected to live on his own without experiencing a sudden sense of inner emptiness?

One is not normally aware of something that is a continuation of one’s own childhood.

A father, a real father, is someone who mustn’t be hugged(Brigitte Schwaiger,A Long Absence) 5 years ago

http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm scroll to bottom.
Great book, horrible truth! 5 years ago

This might be a bottleneck in my life. This phrase catched my attention.
I am browsing the net and recognising myself. Repressed anger acted out in form of permanently trying to become a better person? Finding solace in the intelect?link Ummm, this rings a bell.

“hidden cruelty in child rearing”
Alice Miller How child-rearing crushes spontaneous feelings ...the child will learn to become silent...
and from her another book see page 5/6 what a surprise, she is talking about me!...no conception of their true needs—beyond the desire for achievement.5 years ago

I’m just removing all goals without entry in recent time to this temporary queue. 5 years ago

Recently I discovered – to my big surprise – that I have gross prejudice about myself: that I am an outsider.
Everything I did, I did from the unconscious position of an outsider… Since I was allways “different”. (Of course I am different, everyone is different, everyone is unique.) What a relief, to release that prejudice, what a blessing…!!! 5 years ago

when no habit/pattern from childhood influences my present performance, then i will know that my childhood is healed.
there are things in my behavior i can’t explain. they are simply out of reach! so i feel they formed early, before introspection ability developed. but that doesn’t explain why i regress? 5 years ago

and this feeling obviously belongs to this goal.
This reminds me that I made a discovery yesterday I want to write down.
I discovered yesterday that my feelings about house chores originate from my childhood, and my fear to be myself, too. I cleaned my kitchen more then hour and it was still not finished – and I felt I hate it, I hated to fag endlesly like that.
Now I see it was so healing to finally openly feel those feelings and let them be, after so many years. 5 years ago

Main block on my way today is that all my projects seam to be stopped due to …. uhm how to put it… some tehnical stuff in my apartment, for example curtain hanger i purchased more then year ago, waiting to be installed [by my SO], multiplied by factor of 100 (no need to go into any details further).
I feel that it has nothing to do with my relationship with my SO, and it has something all to do with my childhood. He is only mirroring my own fear:
Not getting enough understanding; not being allowed to show my true self. Emotionaly abandoned. Now I find myself behaving exactly as my late mother, who was not known by her gentle behaviour. Well this was complicated way to say that I find myself yesterday, on my big surprise, yelling and screaming and being “right”. Becouse… becouse he wouldn’t let me speak… and that is my deepest wound. Not to be heard, not to be seen. ... we argued [about glassware cupbpard repairing project] and he told his side of story 6 times and interrupted me each time i tried to tell mine. What a bizzare story? heavens, why i “try” to tell my side of story 6 times? i think twice is enough. why i need to revive all that pain of not being understood? obviously, in order to heal it.

I receive lot of understanding
Universe understands me (no, this is not affirmation, this is fact)
I respect and get respect in all my dealings
I present myself clear
I am safe to show my true self
...something like this, will work on it further… 5 years ago

i suppose this has something to do with my childhood: allowing too much to closest ones. allowing them to live as parasites e.g. me playing a victim game.
clear and simple, it is buying love and affection!
that strike me after a whole week cooking and doing chores and had no time for myself, for someone who did absolute nothing for me, and i specificaly asked and need that help.
am i buying love?
doing everything for someone doing nothing – ... there is some resemblance with early memories. and now, do i have to continue such pattern? of course not!
i need to find some way to discontinue my services and expectations, to redirect them towards myself.

PS. oh yes, i stopped calling my “closest friend” some time ago. i was at her service too much, never expecting or asking anyting “in return”. (mirroring the relashionship i had with my late mother.) she had several opportunities to do something for me but she missed it. last time was the final drop that spilled the glass (i asked her to give me something she owned but not needed any more, and she let her BF dump it to garbage!) and i stopped calling her. yesterday she called me asking am i angry at her, and that she is absolutely sure that she did everything right. so i really had nothing to add. (i have nothing to say when there is nobody to listen.) i told her that i am not angry, that i only realised my own stupidity. we were “best friends” for 10 years. e.g. i was at her service. suddenly i felt that i don’t need to do it any more. what a relief! i turned to other friends. they actually listen to me, they don’t do all the talk. it is so pleasant :)

I noticed this sentence resurfaced echoing some old times: I have nothing to say when there is nobody to listen. (“She already decided that is not her fault so there was no point to continue discussion”, is what i actually ment.)and i think it is time to say goodbye to that attitude. I have lot to say and I listen to myself. That is enough. Others will decide for themselves if whey are willing to listen or not and it is up to them. 5 years ago

but i wanted to share this.
i’ve just told my sister about this site. in fact, she is the only one i revealed my identity. i think i wanted to share my excitement about this site, this site changed my life, after all. i still remember the day i found it. i was trilled!!!

my dad’s friend’s son died on a motor accident when i was a child. so my dad’s attitude toward anything with wheels is clearly obvious. it is only these days that i made this connection. now i much better understand my attitude towards biking and me as a biker and it is such a relief.

he never spoke abut it but i got my first bike and learned to ride as 15 yo. never had rollers.
i think now is the time to stop thinking that my biking abilities are limited due to late age i learned it.

my biking abilities are unlimited
my biking abilities are constantly improving
:) 5 years ago

...well it was in early teen years, does it count as childhood?...

i don’t remember any sport during kindergarten.
my dealings with sport were marked with my not belonging to group, to other children. they rejected me strongly (not only sportwise), so it affected my attitude towards group sport: i considered group sports totaly boring and stupid. also wearing glasses didn’t help with it. (started wearing glasess as 11 yo. nothing in front of me was that i wanted to look at.)

now when i think about it, ... there are more memories.
as 7 yo or so, my mother put me to swimming training. it wasn’t fun, i remember trainers were morons. i remember teacher in school was moron, too, so it was nothing unusual. (only fun i had that time was when i was alone and that was someting usual to me then. and it was great, great fun.) but other, older kids were waiting me after training to beat me so i asked my mother not to go there any more. she agreed. only many years later i told her the reason.
interesting (how mr. spock would say), i remember a scene of ambush of few bigger kids and where it was but i don’t remember any actual beating. i don’t remember being scared, in fact i don’t remember any feeling. numbness is any feeling i remember.

huh.

now i can see why my inner swimmer gone to shadow self.
i never connected that incident with my current swimming issues. it has nothing with it, i am raised at Adriatic sea (it is part of Mediterranian sea) so everyday swimming was usual part of summer life.

oh yes, {BINGO!!!} but in my present life, when i talk about swimming, i mean pool swimming! and my only contact with pool swimming was that unlucky episode. so of course i feel so big resistance towards going to pool! i felt so stupid and couldn’t understand myself, it was such a struggle to go there (and once i’m there, i swim and swim and swim and feel sad when it is time to get out.)

hey, man. this is great! i’m enlighted.

this revelation happened becouse i put “join the Y” into my next’s week goal list! (have you noticed that new option?) does this mean i can be a swimmer now? i’m so happy but at the same time precoucious: will see. i feel inside me that i gave myself permition to be a swimmer and not feel stupid about that. oh, dear, i felt so stupid for wanting to swim, i felt so stupid for resisting to swim, also felt stupid for reading about local races on the internet but never actually went there… no, i went there once, to master’s race, to see.

distance swimming was allways my passion (in that rare moments i let myself feel it)... i will say no more {knock knock in the wood} 5 years ago

what was “bad”? = my shadow
to be spontaneous
to want something
to show how i feel

and what was “good”? = what i am used to think as “me”
to be smart
to be silent and polite

uh huh – when i put it this way everything seams so obvious!
what a distorted picture of the world, with so lasting impact. but not permanent!
now i only have to turn this around 5 years ago

why i don’t get help i need when i need it? [...this is from my redecorating goal, i jumped here cus this topic is more suitable under this goal.]
so why i created a life where i don’t get a help i need? (dragging heavy cupboards is one of the things i can’t do by myself.) i understand this [not having helping hand around] is fully my responsibility, but i don’t get how, what made me being here.
as a child i felt i don’t get any help so maybe that is just an attitude. of course i’ve got so much help from my parents and older sisters but that is how i felt as a child. like an iland.
we all were ilands then. it was all long time ago, maybe i just get used not to expect any help or understanding? what a creepy thought but that is what i felt, now when i think about it. wow this subconcious beliefs can be really, really irrational. as a youngest child in a family.
now when i think about this all, i expect to help and be helped! i welcome helping hands to my life.

in fact this is not my childhood memory of my feelings deep burried, i see now those feelings belonged not to me but to my late mother. it is like i just adopted that feeling from her very early, and that is since i remember. [we had very strong bond, you see.] she was one without helping hand, the oldest child, co-parent to her siblings during the WW2. she was the one learned to be independent and to reject any help from young age. friends were helping her, but she rejected help from family. well if i knew my grandmother and her grandmother maybe i could trace that unloving feeling back to who knows when?
one thing i know for sure, i don’t need this feeling any more and i am not passing it to the next generations.

the truth is, everyone in family adored me and still does. (only relationship with my older sister is not what it used to be.) i don’t need to live in the shades any more.
i just felt guilty becouse i believed that my parents stayed together, torturing themselves in a bad marriage, only becouse of me. what did i know! i was only 5. it was too heavy burden to carry. in fact, they loved each other madly and still do. but i couldn’t understand that as 5 yo.
i don’t need that feelings any more, for sure. they served their purpose, but it was another life, another time. i let all those forgotten feelings of guilt and being abandoned go. i don’t need them any more. and there is nothing to forgive. 5 years ago

5 years ago

Sparkling vino said something that reminded me to my longing for childhood i never really had. So i found that goal and wanted to adopt it. when i connected to that feeling of being kid, it was the sadest feeling possible so i doubt i would enjoy that goal. it was the feeling of profound lonliness and sadness. i forgot i ever felt that way. i doubt i will ever feel so deeply sad again. maybe i should?

i mention in my indigo goal i was an indigo child – it was such a relief to discover that fact – those feelings i described are essential part of growing up as an indigo child. huh, those homeless feeling of absolute isolation – no wonder i want a real home so much. A home, now i can se that represents to me feeling of being safe. Of course I am safe, I am strong, independent, grown up woman. I’m talking about what was before that.
As a child, i enjoyed the most being outdoors in solitude. I strongly felt heeling forces of Nature, a habit I could use again. I was passionate about Mediterranian sea and woods and smells and stones. I made lots of music, most of it only in my head. And sky was so huge! 5 years ago