Post random entries about my feelings and thoughts

These are my words my life and fears from my past years
you wont ever see my tears
trying to get over hurt from past years

I feel my life is under water i need some fresh air
if I get there just got to keep breathing
and hope god has a blessing to spare
this is how cruel life can be childhood taken away from me

I need my life to start over again back as kid
wouldn’t let him get away with what he did
in my mind I would be a murderer he would be dead
he would raise his foot to reach his slipper
he didn’t give a fuck all i could do was quiver
you could see the devil in his features
using his fists to teach me
I was frequently asking how this could be
why is it all happening to me
the end was getting nearer no one to reach out to
I tried to envision things clearer as 6ft was getting nearer
Kicking and screaming you could see the fear in my eyes
the tears i could not disguise and the pain my young heart has felt
the lashings from his belt my body has felt
I dont seem to be able to get up i am too broken to mend
all this bullying and beating have driven me to the end
God has know blessing to spare for me its time to go
come to my funeral but leave with a smile on you face and a feeling of grace
it all over for me no hurting or pain now I am in my resting place

My fucken Vagina Hurts

Getting rid of all goals that have to do with my appearance.

I’m ugly and so I’ve decided cry in my sorrow. I’m too ashamed to have any pics taken and I wouldn’t want to deceive people with “nice looking pics”. Therefore, I am not going out with anyone right now. Simone said she would find me a girlfriend but I wouldn’t want any girl to have to be with this uglinnes. My ugliness is overwhelming and no one wants to have to look at this (me). Kizzie said so herself and now I think I’ll go to my room to cry myself to sleep. Hoping that when I wake up I’ll magically become someone else. Someone else more beautiful, thinner, intelligent, and fun. Cuz in the end I’ll die alone, fat, and miserable….....and ugly.

Does God (if there is one) create beautiful people to torture the rest of us?

I told her! I came out to her today and it was so friggin hard that it blew my mind. I was beaten around the bush for about an hour and a half until I worked up the courage to tell her. Thank God for her patience. Don’t know why I picked today, but I’m glad I told her. I also told her that I use to/still cut. I didn’t show her marks cuz that would of been a lil too hard. And I told her about my Bulimia and how being insecure all the friggin time is driving me mad and taking over my life. OH and I finally told her wut “tipping the velvet” was.
=D

Yeah, I cut again. Weirdly, I had forgotten to post in on here. Anywayz ummm…........it was Monday. umm, same wrist. Oh and more cuts than usual, but not as deep. The next day that shyt was burning like hell under my skool shirt. I was like WtF?! The cuts are still there now and wut reminded me of writing this is that lately I’ve been starting scratch it. But I think its going away now. Just remembered that I didn’t even tell Simone and I tell her everything! oh well

I’m so fucken tired of fucken goals….goals dont mean shyt, if youd dont do shyt!

Fuck that dumb ass bitch. Yes, I’m talking about one of my best friends…she is such a fucken shit head. I would fucken beat her down! OMG, she thinks she is so much smaller than me….but she’s not. WTF?!
I go well, you can wear my shirt…she says but its gonna be too big. In my head, I’m thinking…...”WTF? That shirt will not be too big- it will be just fine. She is NOT that much smaller, just shorter….and she has big boobs that would fill out the rest of the shirt anyway. WTF? She must think I”m a hippo compared to her. I have no idea how small she thinks she is….but obviously the mirror is deceiving her” Anyway…..I know I shouldn’t think this way, but this is 43things and I can say wutever the fuck I feel. So, here it is.

She weighs 105 pounds or more. No less! She is small, but not that small. Besides its probably mostly fat anyway. I weigh 125, but I’m like 2-3 inches taller than her. When I get 110….which i will ( no doubt in my mind)....I will be smaller than her. Then she will feel my wrath, cuz she’s a whore. And I hate her for being two-faced. One day she’s like “Kellie, you dont need to lose weight- your fine. But then the next day she is like your shirt is gonna be to big on me?”? WTF? (I know that sounds silly, but this is the way my mind thinks)

Then she thinks she’s HOT cuz she has bigger boobs than me, but you know wut? She is done growing. She’s a 36C, and I’m 34C. I’m not done growing yet….I still have 2 more years of growing left in me, so Fuck her!!

I dont like eating….I wish I could dance my life away

..I know I’v given up on this goal, but my mother is really getting to me. And i guess I’m just starting to blame myself again. Now, in order to be a “better daughter” wouldn’t I have to better myself as a person first? Dont I need to find out more about who I am and try correct myself, before I start trying to work out things with my mother? Or is becoming a better daughter suppose to come along on its own, as I become a better person?