find my birthmother

How I did it: I located my birthmother in California, more than 10 years ago, via the Maury Povich show.  A friend in the adoption "industry" hooked me up with the show when she learned I was looking.  They found my mother in about 20 minutes - but she refused to be on the show.  So, they put us in contact, but no one got to fly anywhere and meet anyone.

She and I exchanged letters, calls, and photos for a while, and it was very nice. I have three half-brothers and some cousins.  I got answers to questions about what happened way back when, family medical history, and I got to know her a bit.

Then she sorta dropped out of touch. I moved, she remarried and moved, went to tend to her sister dying of cancer.  I thought I had accidentally lost track of her, and was worried she thought I ditched her.  I sent some letters to various relatives, which didn't seem to get me anywhere.  Then, a few weeks ago, I got a letter from her.  She explained that she did know my address, but had stopped writing because she disapproved of something I described in one of my letters, an element of my lifestyle. So, basically, she decided she didn't like me!  I did write back and tell her I didn't care if she approved or not, and we would have to agree to disagree. Then I wrote about other more pleasant things.  No reply, yet.

I will continue to write, periodically.  She and I actually have a lot of hobbies and interests in common, not to mention grandchildren. I will focus on that stuff.  She can sulk, or not.  I've never met her in person, and my happiness certainly does not hinge on her acceptance, or that of my half-brothers.  It would be nice to meet one day, but I am not going to invest myself in changing her opinions.  Because we have a biologial connection, but not the emotional baggage that accumulates between a parent and child over the years of being family, I don't need her approval.

Lessons & tips:
My advice for searchers:  don't build up a fantasy about how it will
all turn out.  You have no way of predicting what you will find, or how
they will react to you. Just go with the flow.  It's nice to get some
family background, and be able to ask questions, but YOU are OK no matter who you find (or don't find).  You are already a whole person.  If you don't feel that way, do get some counseling before you search.  Finding a birth parent will not fix the things that are broken in your life, no matter how wonderful reunion.  If they reject you in some way, it is not about YOU, it is about them.  (Unless maybe you are a serial killer, or in prison for stealing money from old people - it's hard not to judge, you know?)

Resources:
If you are short on money, talk shows are a good way to find people, as long as you don't have privacy issues with being seen on TV.  They do reunion shows, although not as often as they once did. 

Otherwise, the show staff simply hired a private investigator in California, who had access to the records needed to find my birthmother's name, marital history, and current address (DMV records).  In my case, she never moved far from where I was born, and was easy to find.  If that is your circumstance, then you can hire your own PI.  Choose an agency that is well-established, not a cheap internet service.  My adoptive brother has also looked, using a PI, but his birth family left CA and was not as easy to track down.  He has not been successful.

Dec 17, 2008, 03:51PM PST | 0 comments | 1 cheer