learn to like my MIL

I like my MIL. I think I always liked her. I just had a hard time getting along with her because we are so different. I have just spent a lot of time getting to know her, being kind to her, and trying to really open up to her and talk to her the past 6 months. And we’ve grown close and it’s really terrific.

well, I gotta say, this is a terrific goal. I actually started doing this a couple months ago. I figure that it’s just about time that I make a concerted effort to not only just “get along” but to start a real relationship. So I started off with pleasantries, and then worked at finding things we have in common. Probably one of the biggest things that has allowed me to see my MIL in a new light is to just have compassion for her. She has been through so much in her life, and I admire her strength and perserverance. Since my attitude has changed we haven’t had a squabble or bit of awkwardness. It’s really been so much better.

Two days at the cottage with G’s mom in my near future. I can’t say I’m excited.

However, if I can come back and write something positive here, I’ll be very, very happy.

Just haven’t written in awhile, so I thought I’d post.

Things are going well with my MIL lately.

I don’t know if it’s the… emotional exploration that she’s got going on on her end, or where it’s coming from, but I sense a change in her in the way she treats me. Yes, for quite awhile she’s been more polite and less pushy, but it was forced, quite effortful (still appreciated, though), whereas lately I think it’s becoming more natural and unconscious. Kind of interesting.

And here, I’m much weaker. I still have to work very hard to fight the conditioning that makes me defensive and irritated when it comes to her, I wish I could let go easier. I just fear getting hurt by her again.

She touched my arm. She touched it, and sort of patted/rubbed it. Twice! Considering we haven’t even made true and honest eye contact in over a year, I just about fell over.

It happened first in reaction to my giving her some photos of M that I didn’t have duplicates of. Then, in some sort of carryover effect, I got another pat on the arm for giving her a bunch of plastic containers that I don’t want, but I know she likes to collect.

My first self-defensive instinctive reaction was to not care, because after all, caring in the past resulted in a lot of heartache, embarrassment and general chaos. But if I’m honest with myself, I did care, and frightening as it is, I do have to admit that I hope it’s a sign that we really may be able to move forward.

But shh, don’t tell anyone.

MIL’s going through some very hard times right now, mentally. I feel for her and the rest of the family that’s suffering with her.

While I know I can’t do much for her considering the current state of our relationship, I really do wish her the best and want her to feel better and recover quickly from this.

I want this to help me remember that most of the things that she does that I dislike aren’t likely things she does just because she doesn’t like me, or just because she – insert any of the explanations I’ve come up with in the past -, but because of many complicated, convoluted, very human reasons that more likely have little to with me.

When I made this goal, I vowed that all my entries would be POSITIVE, and I wouldn’t allow any negativity to come into what I wrote. I’m aware of all the bad things that have happened in the past re. my MIL, I’ve wasted more time than I care to think about stressing about them, and I don’t need to re-hash them here.

Rather, I need to focus on the good things that happen, in the hopes that I can learn to forgive her and let go of my anger, for M’s sake. We have this awesome little girl in common now, and if she can’t bring us together to at least some sort of civil arrangement, I don’t know what can.

I think I’ve been forgetting to stay positive for my last couple of entries, so this is a reminder to myself to focus on the good in my MIL.

Well, it went okay!

We were gone for 2.5hrs, and came back to a perfectly alive, breathing, all-in-one-piece daughter. Whew! :)

As far as I can tell, MIL fed her only the food we provided (meaning she didn’t go rooting through our cupboards to give her sugar or peanuts), and they even read books and had a diaper change while we were gone.

Perhaps she snooped through my underwear drawer, but while that used to stress me out, now I figure that people who do that are way beyond my worrying.

As she was leaving she commented that next time must be at her house, and all day please, and I busily occupied myself with something so I didn’t have to answer.

Yikes!

I’m about to leave M with my MIL for the first time in 16 months. She’s babysitting her here for a couple of hours while G and I go out for dinner.

I’m nervous about what she might do while we’re gone, but the relationship has progressed enough over the last 4-5 months that I feel that I should do this.

I’ll try to enjoy myself!!

Tonight she made a point to tell me that she’d bought something for M to eat, and that I should check it out to make sure it’s okay for her to have.

Once I picked my chin up off the floor, I looked, and it was prepared pudding. Filled with sugar (and I found out later that it was loaded with trans fat, too), but I smiled and thanked her and gave M some for dessert.

BIG improvement from 6 months ago when she was stuffing nut-filled cookies into M’s mouth when I wasn’t looking, and I wouldn’t leave her alone with her own granddaughter for more than 30 seconds.

It’s going slowly, but maybe we’re both figuring out how to get along.