Be the person I want to be

okay, so i broke up with the bf last week. and honestly, i’m perfectly fine with it. i have my moments, where i wonder if i’m doing the right thing, if we could get through this if we tried, and blah blah. but mostly i think its just cuz i feel left out. we have the same friends, which are basically all guys, so guess who they picked to support? yeah. so right now i’m just trying to fill my time with the few people who are still interested. and, get this, i still see him every day. we decided that we’re just friends. we hang, and laugh, and chill. sometimes he does things that make me uncomfortable, but i think its mostly out of habit. i mean, we did date for over three years, there are going to be habits that are difficult to break. talking a lot, and feeling the urge to see what the other one is up to, etc. i draw the line, though. i make sure he knows the limits.

this is a good thing. definitely.

so it seems like every thing i write on here is just complaining about my bf. so that has to stop. but i think the way to me being who i want to be follows the step of breaking up with my bf and becoming independent and figuring out what makes me happy and all that kind of stuff. i just can’t picture my life without him, since he has been in it for so long. i don’t know. i love him, but i don’t know if i am in love with him. he has just been my best friend for so long, that i’m not sure how to function without him. i guess thats pretty unhealthy within itself, but then you add in the way we treat each other and act and think and you just get more badness. like i sometimes seriously plot how to get away with being with someone else. i’ve never gone through with it, but i feel guilty enough just thinking about it. and then when i am with him, i feel embarrassed because of things he does, or just with that i didn’t have to watch my mouth, or the way i dress, or who i smoke a cig with or whatever. idk. i guess i have no backbone. and i never thought i would be this girl. i think i need a couple days to myself or something to figure it all out. maybe i should make the goal of going one day without seeing him. maybe that would help. duh.

In the past couple months, I’ve been hanging out with some different people, both of whom are extremely friendly, and fantastic friends. The three of us get along so well. But ever since I’ve been hanging out with these guys, my other friends are becoming angry with me, saying I’m fake and I think I’m better than anyone else.
I’m sure you adults remember 8th grade drama.
I try to not get involved and not hit back, but I feel terrible. I haven’t been aware of hurting anyone, and I certainly haven’t done so intentionally. But the entirety of my old friends are angry with me. Of course Nikki and Eleni are supportive and great friends, helping me with this. And I guess that’s what makes them my true friends, because they accept me for who I am, and they stand by me in whatever. My other “friends” don’t seem to understand this, that I’ve never meant to do anything to hurt them.
I’m so confused and I feel guilty for things I’m not even sure that I did. The whole mess is making me loose sight of who I want to be, and is steering me into a place where I cannot go to again, that I have to fight off at all costs.
On monday, I’m not sure if I’ll apologize , or go on with the day normally as if no one has said anything.
When will 8th grade end!!

I have a notebook.
In this notbook is where I paste all of the pictures I cut out of fashion magazines that I consider “beautiful”. I have endless pages of thin, gorgeous girls staring back at me. I stare back. Then I look into the mirror. And I don’t feel any sort of beautiful.
I wish I felt it.
I wish I was.

Ever since I was eleven, I’ve battled with depression. It’s hard to write that because I’ve always been in denial about it. I’ve been able to tell some close friends about it, and they’ve helped me through a lot. But I’ve been too ashamed to admit it to my parents, because I’m worried they will think I’m ungrateful or they won’t believe me. I’m very good at covering it up even at home. I laugh to muh and spend a lot of time in my room so they won’t see me. At school I try and act like a bubbly ditz so no one will think I’m anything but happy.
I’m fourteen now, and I’ve decided I can’t live in the two extremes of depression and and stupid ditz. I needx to find myself, who I am and live it. Not trying to fit a mold so there are no questions asked. I can get through this, I know I can. I just have to find who I am first.

Self-disciplined – doing what ought to be done even if there is no motivation to do it.

I’ve been trying to be a FRED, the kind of person who gives that littlebit extra without expectation of return. It feels good, but I’m still trying to workout if it is the person I want to be.
I’m also learnign yoga… again feels good, but still not sure if it is part of the person I want to be

Work out who the person I want to be is… if I knew that it wouldn’t be so difficult.

regret nothing

Be secure with myself.

I do not have to prove myself, to anyone or for any reason. I am who I am. If other people mind, they don’t matter. If they matter, they won’t mind.

That being said, I still want to be extraordinary.