Be the person I want to be

okay so i really want to say i almost just ‘finished’ this goal. then i realized there is one aspect of myself that, with a bit more time, i think i can master. my jealousy. it is the only thing left about myself that i haven’t been able to accept or change. I HAVE BECOME WHO I’VE WANTED TO BE FOR A LONG TIME, EXECPT FOR THIS ONE TRAIT. it only has to do with TP, though. i only get jealous and worried of and about him. i do get jealous of his hockey life, of the relationships he builds from having a close team, and of all the opportunities he has ahead of his, with traveling for games and everything. but i also get jealous that i can’t be there with him, and i worry that he is going to fall into his old lifestyle of sorts, with partying after games and bringing girls back to the hotel. i honestly don’t even know if i have the right impression of his life before me, but that is how it seems. i know that he loves me, and it is just going to take some time to built that trust where i won’t worry about what he is doing and who is with, but mostly its the thought that he could do anything and not tell me and i wouldn’t ever find out. time is all it is going to take to gain that kind of trust. he has never done anything to break my trust, i just worry that he one day will. that worry will go away. and with that trust, i feel my jealousy will fade away as well, but with a bit of effort it might come sooner than it would naturally. i will stop worrying that some random girl is going to so easily take him from me, so i will stop being jealous of who he talks to, etc. our relationship is still really new, so i’m not surprised or worried about this jealousy; its only natural and logical.

i am definitely on the right track for self-discovery. i feel more like myself now than i have in a long time. i’m really happy with where my life is at. i applied to a new school, im living back at home saving money, i have learned how to let go and just have a good time. i’ve learned to live in the moment, to let go and enjoy the now, instead of always looking to the future and what could be, instead of what is. i’ve found a good balance right now, but i suppose its all going to change soon, with school starting and TP’s hockey season comin up… i’ll just enjoy it while its here and see what comes this fall.

okay, so i broke up with the bf last week. and honestly, i’m perfectly fine with it. i have my moments, where i wonder if i’m doing the right thing, if we could get through this if we tried, and blah blah. but mostly i think its just cuz i feel left out. we have the same friends, which are basically all guys, so guess who they picked to support? yeah. so right now i’m just trying to fill my time with the few people who are still interested. and, get this, i still see him every day. we decided that we’re just friends. we hang, and laugh, and chill. sometimes he does things that make me uncomfortable, but i think its mostly out of habit. i mean, we did date for over three years, there are going to be habits that are difficult to break. talking a lot, and feeling the urge to see what the other one is up to, etc. i draw the line, though. i make sure he knows the limits.

this is a good thing. definitely.

so it seems like every thing i write on here is just complaining about my bf. so that has to stop. but i think the way to me being who i want to be follows the step of breaking up with my bf and becoming independent and figuring out what makes me happy and all that kind of stuff. i just can’t picture my life without him, since he has been in it for so long. i don’t know. i love him, but i don’t know if i am in love with him. he has just been my best friend for so long, that i’m not sure how to function without him. i guess thats pretty unhealthy within itself, but then you add in the way we treat each other and act and think and you just get more badness. like i sometimes seriously plot how to get away with being with someone else. i’ve never gone through with it, but i feel guilty enough just thinking about it. and then when i am with him, i feel embarrassed because of things he does, or just with that i didn’t have to watch my mouth, or the way i dress, or who i smoke a cig with or whatever. idk. i guess i have no backbone. and i never thought i would be this girl. i think i need a couple days to myself or something to figure it all out. maybe i should make the goal of going one day without seeing him. maybe that would help. duh.

In the past couple months, I’ve been hanging out with some different people, both of whom are extremely friendly, and fantastic friends. The three of us get along so well. But ever since I’ve been hanging out with these guys, my other friends are becoming angry with me, saying I’m fake and I think I’m better than anyone else.
I’m sure you adults remember 8th grade drama.
I try to not get involved and not hit back, but I feel terrible. I haven’t been aware of hurting anyone, and I certainly haven’t done so intentionally. But the entirety of my old friends are angry with me. Of course Nikki and Eleni are supportive and great friends, helping me with this. And I guess that’s what makes them my true friends, because they accept me for who I am, and they stand by me in whatever. My other “friends” don’t seem to understand this, that I’ve never meant to do anything to hurt them.
I’m so confused and I feel guilty for things I’m not even sure that I did. The whole mess is making me loose sight of who I want to be, and is steering me into a place where I cannot go to again, that I have to fight off at all costs.
On monday, I’m not sure if I’ll apologize , or go on with the day normally as if no one has said anything.
When will 8th grade end!!

I have a notebook.
In this notbook is where I paste all of the pictures I cut out of fashion magazines that I consider “beautiful”. I have endless pages of thin, gorgeous girls staring back at me. I stare back. Then I look into the mirror. And I don’t feel any sort of beautiful.
I wish I felt it.
I wish I was.

Ever since I was eleven, I’ve battled with depression. It’s hard to write that because I’ve always been in denial about it. I’ve been able to tell some close friends about it, and they’ve helped me through a lot. But I’ve been too ashamed to admit it to my parents, because I’m worried they will think I’m ungrateful or they won’t believe me. I’m very good at covering it up even at home. I laugh to muh and spend a lot of time in my room so they won’t see me. At school I try and act like a bubbly ditz so no one will think I’m anything but happy.
I’m fourteen now, and I’ve decided I can’t live in the two extremes of depression and and stupid ditz. I needx to find myself, who I am and live it. Not trying to fit a mold so there are no questions asked. I can get through this, I know I can. I just have to find who I am first.

Self-disciplined – doing what ought to be done even if there is no motivation to do it.

I’ve been trying to be a FRED, the kind of person who gives that littlebit extra without expectation of return. It feels good, but I’m still trying to workout if it is the person I want to be.
I’m also learnign yoga… again feels good, but still not sure if it is part of the person I want to be

Work out who the person I want to be is… if I knew that it wouldn’t be so difficult.