join the peace corp

Start volunteering now so my app will be accepted

i plan to go when i get my b.a.

I got out the peace corp application and worked on it for a bit, the whole time that medical sheet running through my head. When I met with my new psych nurse, she asked how many manic episodes (bipolar 1) I had ever had and the answer was one, 12 years ago. Since then I have followed my meds like clockwork, lost weight and started meditating, all that fun stuff to keep me as grounded and stable as possible. According to the sheet, Bipolar 1 is a disqualifier. No questions asked. So I called today and spoke to a woman named Susan. First, I think she was 80. 2nd, she said that if it is put on the application, I have to provide notes, records and extensive reports that it was a long time ago and that it has not happened since. Even then, there is no guarantee it wont disqualify me because it could happen again. So, here’s the conundrum: Do I put it on the application and hope nothing happens in 3 years or, do I own up and provide everything they want knowing that at any second, that could be the one reason I am told no to something I have wanted since I was 8? Because someone who has never been treated, just thought they were going through a wild time at 22; drinking, sex, spending, staying out all night, never puts it on there, they are accepted. Those who are aware of what they have and work hard to maintain normalcy admit it and bam, no thank you. You’re too much of a risk. Another stereotype for the mentally ill. If you have one, its just a matter of time before you lose it again. Imagine what could happen to those who dont know they have one and have a problem smack dab in the middle of Africa. Deal with that.

More and more I keep thinking, “the peace corp is slipping away”. We have to pay off a good chunk of debt before I can go because I cannot leave P with the debt we have for 3 years. I have made spread sheets, planned and expressed my desire when she asks me “what do YOU want? What will make you happy?!” Apparently, asking and then moving on is ok because at least she asked. Last night I tried talking to her about it when I caught her looking up triathlons, not just in NY but in Michigan. She is already pre-paid for the Boston Marathon. I just mailed a $250 deposit for her hotel. By the time thats done, its going to be $600 plus plane ticket, plus weekend spending (meals, cabs, souvenirs). She promised we would pay off 4 cards in 1 year. So I try and ask her, when does it stop? First running, then biking, then marathons, then duathlons and now another triathlon? what next? Ironman? Seriously, ironman? How much can we spend to make you happy when I TOLD you, asked you, BEGGED you to work with me to go to the Peace Corp. I try to word things carefully and start crying. She becomes this robot and tells me to take the money out of savings, pay off my debt and go. “we are a family and I want to do this as a team, but when is it MY turn to get what I want?” So, I go to the couch. 20 minutes later while I am doing a crossword puzzle, she comes out and throws my pillow and alarm clock at me.
Today, after waking up, I dont feel bad. I do NOT feel bad. This is what I want. She has known it since she met me 5 1/2 years ago. She said we can work on this and instead of paying bills we have a significant amount of debt. That is on both of us, but it seems like Im the one working at it. Stop being selfish and run around the f*&$ing park for 6 months instead of racing, buying things for your bike, your running and joing triathlon clubs (which the OTHER woman is part of. I didnt even get to THAT) and pay off debt so I can not only be happy but change the world in my own little way.
Last night I became a superhero for myself. And Im not apologizing.

I’m going to be majoring in french in a couple years and when i get out of college i’d really like to join the peace corp in french africa. I’ve heard that it’s extremely hard to get back into society once your two year term is over but that it’s also one of the most amazing experiences ever.

yesteday at my interview, one of the gay questions they ALWAYS ask of course was, “where do you see yourself in 10 years”. Im sure the proper answer is “working here with you”. But who really knows that from a 1 hour interview? So I always tell the truth, that way, they arent surprised when I one day give my notice. “I want to get my Masters, maybe go on for my PhD. Im not sure and dont want to rush that decision. In 10 years, Id like to be in the Peace Corp or in a job that lets me help people in that capacity”.
On a good note, the interview was for UB which is where I got my BA and want to go for my Masters. They also allow you to join the Peace Corp for college credit. This job offers tuition breaks and assistance and is one of the leading universities in AIDS research in Africa. They were impressed that I volunteered for an HIV/AIDS agency for 13 years instead of working for a paid position. “Volunteering for an agency for that long shows dedication to the agency, the cause and what they stand for. That says a lot about you”.
Maybe it will say hire me.

I got written information from the Peace Corp today. On it was a list of things that automatically disqualifies you from joining. One of the things was multiple mental health diagnoses (some). So I stare at it because, thats me. I have OCD but it is controlled for the most part (which is acceptable) but I also have PTSD. Which is think is cyclic, I have OCD because I have PTSD. Thats why Im in pyschotherapy. Change the way you view and react to the trauma, change the behavior. Studies show this.
I got the email for the NY rep and emailed her. Lets see what she has to say. First though, I should check with my psychiatrist Wednesday and find out what my true diagnosis is listed as. Maybe he only has me as one or the other.
Im trying to not let my heart sink. Sometimes you want something really bad, you just have to work harder to get it.

I think its over with me and P. Last night at counseling, the anger was so raw and harsh it was like I had just found out again. I packed my things and went to stay with my parents, but my step father made it clear I wasnt welcome there past Friday. Im trying to make a plan, but everything is so rollercoaster like. However, I did come to this conclusion. I am re-applying for the peace corp. By the time you finish everything and do everything you are supposed to, it takes about 18 months to 2 years. We applied for a loan, if we can play nice and remember that we still love each other, just cant be together, we can accept the loan and pay off all debt in 3 years. If I find a room mate or find a place to live cheap, maybe sooner.
For that matter, once the car is paid off, I wont need it, I can sell it and use that money to pay my part of the debt.
One of the things that I keep coming back to is that I never feel like a priority to her. Weight watchers, biking and running, then me. I loathe the fact that she uses the excuse “it will make me better, therefore it will make US better”. As I got in the car to leave last night, I asked her if we could gain 50lbs back and go live in St Louis again. We made HORRIBLE money working for a homeless agency and were fat, but damn, we were happy. I just want some of that back. Working in a hospital where the doctors make $300,000 and I cant break $30,000 is a joke. PLUS, who am I helping?! No one.
Its time to stop wishing I had a different life and start putting into motion the one I want. If people want to be there to support it, fantastic, if not, Im done holding myself back because I feel like I have a responsibility to them. They didnt give a crap about the responsibility they had to me.
Ive wanted this since I was 8. 27 years is long enough. Im filling out the paperwork today to get the application.

I thank God for teaching me humility because Im becoming quite good at it. I need to remind myself to thank him for patience. I look at this goal whenever I log on and my heart aches. I curse being young and making bad uninformed decisions thinking I had plenty of time. Still no call from Oprah or some rich person who wants me to go into the Peace Corp. Our debt is definitely less and more tolerable, but in the place where it needs to be for one of us to go to a foreign country and work for 3 years for $6000.
Working on it just doesnt seem fast enough. I wish. I want. I covet. I truly believe it is the only one thing in my life that would make me happy.
So, again, like for the past many months and years, I have dreamt of China, Mongolia and even Africa again. Playing with children, building wells, helping mothers with their sick babies and stopping the spread of malaria and AIDS.

To those accomplished in living abroad, much love to you. I have always wanted to be a part of foreign relations. I would like to work with children in India or Africa. But first I must pay off my debt.