admit what I really want

to let him fly away so he can fly back to me when it is the right time, but I want to love him and I want him to love me back.

just let go because it is what is the right thing to do.

I want to get to this point one day.

This song is beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mLfC2kkvPw

Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Time will bring a well end of our trial
One day there’ll be no remnants no trace
No residual feelings for me
One day you won’t remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I’ll always love you
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affection
Had to fill out the prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free.

Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be when you are not with me
I had to leave
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to live

If I can’t have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into light
Baby believe me, I’m sorry I told you lies
I turned day into night
Sleep til I die a thousands times
I should have showed you
Better nights, Better times, Better days
And I miss you more and more

If I can’t have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

on someone else’s list. I thought it would be an awesome goal to write about. The thing here is to figure it out, huh?

Guess this is a good goal to have.

Think I’ll make one.

Not making pottery, just cleaning up. My arm hurts enough so that I will have to quit typing soon. Sigh. I want to be better, just better.

I forget to ask myself what I want. I get swept into what other people want for me.

People want me to publish my poems.
People want me to marry Mr. Yes.

The publishing doesn’t concern me. The poems will get published or not and I don’t much care either way. Writing poems is fun. Publishing seems like less so.

The marriage one comes from people who know us well and it’s been amusing and unsettling me. There seems to be an assumption that if we don’t marry each other, it isn’t a devoted relationship. So I asked myself, “Do you want to marry Mr. Yes?” There was a bit of silence, then the answer. No. I want to be with Mr. Yes. I would like to spend more time and more nights with him. We’ve taken out seven year leases on each other with an option to renew and that suits us for now. Whatever form our relationship takes in future, my heart is telling me now that I definitely don’t want to marry him or anyone.

It’s good to know what you don’t want.

That what I really want is my old life back: the job with the money and status, my mom and dog still alive and well, and me in good health. But I know that’s all gone and I think I have accepted it. Now all I want is a sustainable life that isn’t painful.

A real chance. Don’t damn me for someone else’s actions. Don’t doom me to failure because others failed in the past.

Please.

I miss having a happy, healthy, little lap puppy. I miss the perkiness, the funny-ness, the happiness. I know I can’t raise Honey from the dead and I’d be happy to find another little mutt puppy to love but I’m in no position to take care of another dependent, so I have to pass. Still, I want it.