admit what I really want

Is for my former boss to take me to lunch, offer me my old job back, with all attendant benefits and tell me to do it from home four out of five days. If that happens I might be willing to believe in the universe again.

well to be honest what i want right now is for my life to not be so complicated, im pretty sure to most people it isnt but for the most part its never really been complicated all i had to do was live, try and be happy but now its harder to do those things well i mean with me being a senior and such i gotta figure out wht the bloody hell im gonna do with my life and thought i was on top of it but im not.

As for being happy well for the most part i am but wow yea, its much harder when part of your happiness is tied to another person and they can make you feel so much better like your ontop of the world but can instantly make you feel the exact opposite not that thats happend, well not purposely and not to a great extent but im kinda affraid of it happening…well thats the curse of hearting someone, but its more than worth it i think and i know she’d never do that with any intent behind it so….yea but theres an elegance in simplicity and i want to live it XD

i acctually have something to lose, its the most scary exciting feeling in the world. if i dont do this right i will lose it all. i will be right where i started, but i wont. i wont screw up. Ive got too much to lose…

so im in arizona for a week and well im gonna be honest i kinda really miss claudia. i mean dang, im thinking bout here alot and yea…kinda wish i coulda spent halloween with here back in michigan instead of visiting the fam, woulda been way more fun too =P. but ya… got three more days til i go back home. dont get me wrong arizonas a cool state and all but i kinda wanna go back home so i can see claudia along with all my friends but mostly her.

i just got ungrounded and she’s grounded for one week then we can finally hangout ya.

deep, deep, deep, uniterrupted sleep.
3 babies with the stomach virus from hell for 3+ weeks.
5 a.m. work mornings.

uniterrupted sleep = a sweet dream

I’m coming down with a cold. I really want to be wrong about that.

Then I lose hope with it all, or faith in myself more like it.
I really know it has to do with confidence and my self esteem to say it to the right person.
Oh so simple yet so tricky,,,,I think also it has to do with the thought of my deservability, which is so engrained from the past…MAN I just want to forget the past and love like I have never been hurt.
I have learnt great lessons from the past yet I still have trouble asking for support in anyway,shape or form.
I will keep working on this one,,,it will happen because it is one of the two very most things I want to do and feel in life before I leave the planet.

Is not to have to close my investment accounts. There’s not much money left in them but I need it. It’s like closing the book on what used to be my good life.

This may confused you, but this is the only way to start it, a jarring comment made from the heart. let me explain and I think you’ll find that the words that hurt may come to soothe you, the words that cut deep will mend and enrich your heart. I don’t need you. I truly dont need you. I could live my life without you, but I dont want to. I dont have to have you in my life but I want to have you, I want to go through the good times and the bad times with you. I want you by my side always loving me the way you do, and I loving you. I dont know what id do without you by me making me smile making my days so much better than my best days without you in them.

I dont need you, but I want you want you to tell me your problems so we can solve them together, want you to lay next to me as I tell you of my childhood or just talk sweetly to each other like love drunk puppies. I want you to tell me what you dont love about me as I tell you that theres nothing I dont love about you. I want you to look at me with that sparkle in your eyes and not say a word but tell me everything in that one look. Want you to come over just to be near me because just being there makes things better.

No, I dont need you. Dont need you by my side to be there to help me through pain and be there to make my waking moments better. I want you there. And thats something better than needing someone, wanting them. Wanting them with all your heart and soul to be there, with you always your guiding light.

p.s i have no idea where this came from i just wrote it =P

But I want to accompany the kids this weekend on a trip to IKEA. I don’t want to have to work for free again on Saturday.

a miracle. Being cliche and quoting a movie/graphic novel: “Miracles. Events with astronomical odds of occurring, like oxygen turning into gold. I’ve longed to witness such an event…”