get over this stupid depression

even though it’s scary and risky

a lot has changed for me

i look and feel older, but more at peace…i have been able to let go of so much, and in that letting go, a lot more important and substantial knowledge has sort of…spread out to fill the gaps

this isn’t to say i’m ALWAYS happy, but i am no longer wallowing in my own emotional muck

thanks be to the gods

in the darkest of thoughts
there is light
in the most desperate darkness
there is light

i’ve SEEN the damn stuff pour through my room
i’ve felt exalted thanks to a sunset…a SUNSET

then a phone call from my mother
getting denied
getting yelled at
and it’s over…it’s just so over

how do i vascillate SO much at any given moment?
just a few nights ago i was rejoicing at the thought of life as a gift
just last night i was wondering if it was worth sticking around for…

i’m starting to wonder if i need crazy pills :-P
yoga seems to help at least in the short run, so i’ll try more of that today
eating well helps

i need to remember to breathe

remember this as a gift
not as something empty
and meaningless

nothing is helping…

i feel like it’s more a matter of just ignoring how many shadows and screams keep pulling my hair, biting my toes, holding my jaw shut than it is about healing anymore

i don’t know how to heal…i admit it…i don’t let myself…i will continue to cut over the scabs and layer myself with scars until i simply cease to be

i have so little motivation anymore, so little inspiration, and now love has taken a vacation, a break from me…love is so fickle and free

damnit

this is life
this is life
not death

this is movement and change
not stagnation

when will i remember this for good?

there is a season…

i am on my own now.

utterly.

after 2.5 years of a whirlwind, passionate and sometimes tumultuous relationship, here i sit, alone in what is really “my” room (no longer “ours”) on a computer that looks back at me brightly

i wonder if computers could smile, if they even would

in some ways this is terrifying, to the point where i fear disappearing…who will validate me now? who will give me a definition, a purpose, meaning?

in other ways, it could be very liberating for me…no more codependency, i will truly be making decisions on my own…i will gain in strength, wisdom, as will he…it’s already happening

there are moments, though, when thinking just the right combination of thoughts evokes an unearthly moan in my throat, with such force that i keel over, head in hands, caught in a grip of total emotion

but these are cleansing moments, i tell myself…these are healing times, now

no longer is it where do “we” go from here…where, now, do “i” go?

in ways this is prison, in others total freedom, the likes of which i have not known in a very long time…what can i do with this?

who am i, after all?

what a good conversation between you and a friend will do…when you’ve just had so much pent up frustration and haven’t had an outlet, and suddenly someone comes along who is actually WILLING and engaged in what you have to say

especially when that conversation starts with personal day to day angst and evolves into a conversation about man’s quest to establish his relationship with the Divine :-D

went to see a guy who does guided self healing today…

i won’t go into details, cuz it wouldn’t make much sense to anyone but me, suffice to say it wasn’t what i expected but i did have a shiteating grin on my face when i left

in a nutshell, past lives, deep subconscious wisdom, hypnosis and um…wow.

i have another appt. in 2 weeks…

i feel so hypocritcal sometimes…

i’ve managed to come up with some pretty decent goals to follow on this here website, between “Remembering it’s just a ride” to “stop taking life so friggin’ seriously”...

i can spout on endlessly about how beautiful this whole system is, how there is a divine force behind it that is benevolent and made of light, and yet in my own personal life, i’m a total mess, thinking often of reasons why i shouldn’t even be a part of this human race…

i have to remember all the magic i’ve seen and experienced…the synchronicities, the fae folk, the light, the love and the warmth

i’ve been so preoccupied with the cold, the sad, the painful, the obsessive…i’ve done terrible things to my body in the past few weeks, from repeated self injury to full on food restriction…

i wanna thank everyone on this website for all your support in the past, because when i’ve finally calmed down and stop to think, i remember a lot of what has been said here, a lot of wise words and beautiful actions

today i’m talking to some kind of holistic therapist to take the next step…i’m keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed

sent a few emails out to some holisitc style therapists…

the only thing is the money

bah…

i need to indulge myself…instead of fighting this pull down…across…up???....somewhere, letting it come, letting it take me away, into, above, below

maybe i need to stop resisting the pull…fighting riptides can kill you sometimes quicker than the actual tide itself, hungry and relentless

maybe this is the story i’m supposed to write…maybe this is who i’m supposed to be

i don’t want to get my hopes up that i’ve managed to accomplish this in just a few days…

but today

what a day today was.

what an interesting place my life is in right now.

despite the fact that i have ongoing battles with depression, i was almost brought to tears (the happy kind!) today when i thought about how legitimately awesome things are right now.

i go to a school in which the students are incredibly passionate and excited about what they’re learning…i also am able to party with these characters until 5:30am after classes on friday :) i have a loving, wonderful, brilliant and sexy man in my life. i just nailed a job that is going to kickstart my career as a massage therapist and got along wonderfully with the owner of the place. i have friends who take care of me when i’m in dire need, and parents who are surprisingly supportive.

things are ok.

things are better than ok.

we are tied to this earth by hunger, and the need for breath, and thirst, and most importantly, through love.

life has so much potential to be so beautiful.