accept myself

I was recently consolidating some of my old notes and written pages of things I had collected over the years from my college days. I wanted to archive them into a soft copy version in an attempt to de-clutter things. I came across a poem that all of a sudden became very clear to me. I realized it is about accepting yourself for better or worse. It is brutal but honest…and I find it to be inspiring.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter – bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.

Making the choice to make this a priority in my life has been something that has never been on the top of the list of things to do. I never saw the value in it. What is the point? My mantra internally was always “why do I care anyway, it doesn’t matter”.

I certainly don’t walk around spewing that kind of attitude out. But that is what I live with on the inside. That I am not equal anyway…so why fight it, I won’t win with myself. I guess that was about as far as I got with what I would accept about myself.

Then I laid down and proceeded with moving forward in life hoping one day the esteem fairy would stop by and fix it all.

That’s not how it works is it? Nothing works like that. So I have to make a choice. Stand up and get out of the pit and find something solid to stand on or shut up and cover up.

No promises it’s gonna be pretty…but it’s time to crawl out. Here we go.

I need to stop fighting myself. Stop reading so much and just live. Just live life for today. I can’t be stressing myself so much. My self-esteem needs to be growing though, or this another way of not accepting myself?

i’ve been succeeding at this goal, by concentrating on two philosophies:

1. let go
2. don’t take yourself so seriously

if i think about these mantras everyday, my life is unbelievably better. sometimes life can be so simple!

<3

To me, this means not fighting my own nature, and being okay with the way I am. I am no longer allowed to define myself on other people’s idea of what I should do or say.

I live my own life!

<3

I’ve spent my whole life doing things that I thought would make people like me; what I thought would make me strong, and good, and worthwhile; what I thought I was “supposed” to do. I’m always frantically chasing after some crazy scheme that crashes like a 1900s flying machine… because it’s just not aerodynamic. It’s not me.

What if being unemployed, finding what I want to do, and spending time alone allowed me to actually be myself… and feel OK with it?

today i maintain myself in a high energy and positive thinking mode at work (I tried to), i felt the different from how other people treated me, I felt like everyone is more approachable. i understand more from this experience that if i want a better day, i should not wait until good things happen to me, i need to be positive first.
at the end of the day, my boss’s friend who is a hair dresser, he is a guy that i always feel like he love to pick on people (from a negative pov) came and checked my hair for a while, then he said ” i can’t hold it anymore, where did u cut ur hair” i immediately became very sensitive and defensive, I just turned into the defend mode, even he said after “i wanted this hair cut”, i felt like he is laughing at me, picking on me as usual, i felt uneasy; after, he told me to eat more cuz i am too skinny, which made me felt like my perception was right.
after i left my work, as usual, this incident was wandering in my head, i kept analyzing what he said, i wanted to make sure what he meant was he liked my haircut so i can feel better. I stayed in my friends’ house for like an hour, this hour i could not let go of this negative thought, i became very quiet there, i didn’t talk much to my friends there, i felt like i am a failure because i was so easily defeated just by this comment, i felt little bit destroyed and hopeless at some point, but i did affirm with myself that this is all a learning process, i have been negative for years, it takes a lot of time to have a complete new attitude; after affirmation, my mood was lifted up a bit but still going back and forth.

Today I have to say I feel a bit of a brand new me in the first part of the day, then when the second part that i have to face people that i am afraid of, I handled it with the old me, my old negative thinking pattern, now i understand that I do not need him to like my hair to proof my self worthiness, what destroyed my mood was not him, it is my negative me, there is a reason that he love to criticize people, I understand that and i wish him the best. From this moment on, when this negative thinking start again, i will let my infinite higher self handle it. I love today and I will keep loving everday!

i m 24 and i hate myself still today
i was born gay and my childhood friends always think i am a girl
when i was a teenage i changed myself to try to fit in
it was the worst decision ever
but i learnt from it that i am who i am and there is no way to change what u r born with (try it and u will destroy urself completely)
now, people know me as a nice guy who is very peaceful, laid back, quiet, timid, weak, sensitive, moody and have low self-esteem, i m not a bad person to my friends, i still make friends but no one know the real me. i am not happy, i am carrying this negative attitude since the day i started changing myself to be a real man
i am starting a blog here about my process of becoming the real me. i have no idea if i will stop updating or what but i have hope that i will be successful and become a good example to the others.

I often have issues, being negative about my bodyshape and my flaws but I’d really like to learn to accept those things. I know I can make those things better but I can’t entirely change myself either, so this is why the first step is to accept myself.

I’ve never been completely comfortable with it, even though I try to act like I am in front of others.

Then there’s the social phobia, non-existant self esteem, bipolar disorder. lol I’m pretty screwed when you think about it!