ThorrsDottirOnly half dead, not 98%!
I called my grandmother to come from Texas and drive 1800 miles to help me because it became clear to me that I would die within the next week or so. My husband freaked out and told her “get the fuck out of my house” so he left instead. He claimed he was “helping” me but his version of help was screaming at me, calling me a pathetic loser, disappearing for days, refusing to pay any bills, and jerking me up from the floor where I had collapsed so hard that I had fingerprint bruises on each arm for several weeks. And calling me a pathetic loser, skank, slut, whore, half a mother, amongst other things.
I’ve been to the hospital twice for IVs and have had an endoscopy in which they diagnosed gastritis and something wrong with my esophagus. They took 3 biopsies to test for some diseases and bacteria. I just had that done 2 days ago so I won’t get the results for a few weeks. I’ve also been to 2 internal medicine specialists and have a referral for a neurologist because I began having seizures- I had a grand mal seizure in the bathtub one night and my grandma thought I’d been in too long and came to check, and found me neck deep in water in the middle of the seizure. We’ve been to doctor about it and that is why I am being referred to the neurologist. I’ve already had some diagnoses from a neurologist in the past and one prior seizure so this isn’t a big surprise, it just has to be monitored.
My concussion went away and I can see again so that is major for me because 5 months without reading was hell!
I still haven’t been able to eat but I drink shakes or try to most days when I can’t manage solid food. Things taste again (before it was just an awful flavorless texture) its just hard to eat them.
I feel like a pharmacy because I have 10 prescriptions plus vitamin injections and have to take some of them twice a day. Fortunately I got some pills that dissolve on your tongue for nausea because I throw up 1-3 times a day. I’ve got two for high blood pressure because I am in hypertension again, and I was given sleep aids and sedatives. The sleep aids don’t always work, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss if I have PTSD again (been diagnosed in the past) because I stay awake for days at a time (hypervigilance) and then do like today and sleep for 13 hours. I have most of the things they list in the DSM for PTSD so I will probably get a diagnosis and treatment plan. I prefer self-help books more than counseling but I’m trying to be cooperative as much as I can. I mean I was madder than hell about that endoscopy.
I think once the stress from the divorce goes away, I’ll really begin to recover. We’ll see what the biopsies from my stomach reveal, but I truly believe I am throwing up like this because of stress. As soon as I open my eyes, I either think about what my husband has done to me, or I recall a nightmare about what he’s done to me, and I have to run for the bathroom, the outside or just grab a bucket I’ve taken to keeping by my bedside.
I don’t even think the not eating is about my eating disorder anymore. I could be wrong, but I haven’t made a point of obsessing over the scale or calories.. I eat what I want, or at least put it on my plate and push it around wishing I could eat it, but the stress has just got me so on edge. I wanted to lose weight, but not this way.
I will heal, I am afraid it may take months, but my grandmother is not willing to leave (she has been here over 2 months and been a great help, but I do so wish I was well enough to take care of myself, daughter, and house alone) until I am recovered which may yet be several months. I notice that nights I manage to eat or just have a shake and manage to sleep, yield productive days the next morning once I get going. Everything takes me twice as long as it used to because I am so tired. Showering and getting dressed is a 2 hour ordeal, I often can’t brush my own hair, I haven’t driven in months because I couldn’t see from concussion but maybe things will pick up. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, watered house plants, and made an important phone call today which feels like trying to move a mountain but I did it. Took me all day, but I did it.
I’ll keep plugging along. Eventually I’ll be my old self again- just with new and improved awareness that things and people are almost never what they seem. I won’t let anybody try to kill me like this again. 16 hours ago
