focus on my studies

Its really important, from every point of view!

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re just crossing the line of being a failure at your studies?

Yeah, I’m getting that feeling right now. I can’t remember half the stuff I did in high school – especially not the stuff I REALLY need now (chem, bio, etc.) I feel, simply put, dumb.

I don’t think I can go further if I can’t understand the basics of a subject. I mean I feel really helpless and lost.

I believe I have a lot of potential.

But I’m scared to take things a step further.

I know that I have the ability to be smart. I hunger for knowledge, but I don’t act on it. I suppress the feeling because of my fear. Fear of what, I don’t know.

I know for a fact that I’m lazy.

I’m honest-to-goodness scared that I won’t succeed in life.

And my credentials… they may not be the worst but they’re certainly don’t showcase my best efforts. Not that I’ve given it my all to begin with…

I feel both a bit intelligent and stupid looking at my transcript from high school. My SAT scores are what I’d call horrendous. It just feels bad, you know? I feel both stupid and capable of achieving so much more. I hate this feeling.

Dear Time Management Skills Department,

I only wish you would allow me the opportunity of working with your homies. I’m in desperate need of your assistance and am currently wracking my brains trying to figure a way out of this procrastination tournament I’m championing. Not only am I losing sleep because of my vulnerability to bad TV, my eating habits are in dire straits as well. I know I’m a sad case. Will you kindly offer a helping hand?

In avid anticipation for your response (otherwise known as slacking off),
K

I’m such a loser. Why do I insist of living stupidly? My most recent regret as far as academics is an accumulation of past regrets. I didn’t give stuff my all all the time. That shows. And yes. I’m feeling screwed. In the ass. By myself. And I hate myself for it. And I’m stupid.

OK. I started this year badly. First year of college. Procrastination came knocking on my door and I gladly welcomed it with open arms. I saved my assignments for last and I hardly understand the jargon floating around in my psychology text book. I’m surprised because I thought psychology would be a piece of cake.

But you know what, when you’re trying to cram 100+ pages of needful information in your brain in one night, just remind yourself that you aren’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. And you know what else, two years’+ worth of not giving your all in high school or doing mediocre work when you know you could be doing so much better does NOT pay off in the least bit. I feel stupid. Low. I feel lazy as hell.

I’m such a procrastinator. To top it off, I’m unmotivated. I AM UNMOTIVATED. This has been an on/off thing for me. I’m in college, the place where people are actually taking their studies seriously. I, for one, am not. Not yet, at least.

I entered this place knowing that I will procrastinate and slack off the first chance I get. So, negative thinking yields negative results. It’s true. Other people kept telling me I wouldn’t dare do that since it’s my first year and all the pressure to do well is on me this year, but nope. I proved them wrong. Wasn’t necessarily the smartest thing I set out to prove people wrong on.

And yet, I still can’t help but feel unmotivated. When I’m in school, I’m interested in what the activities are. Once I get home, it’s T.V., internet, fooding time. Fuhgeddabout homework. I want 2039853 hours of relaxation time and I’m gonna get it.

Talk about a load of friggin’ crap.

WILL YOU KINDLY STEP UP YOUR DAMN GAME?! GET ON THE BALL AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO. YOUR PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR YOUR TUITION AND YOU’RE PAYING THEM BACK WITH A LOUSY WORK ETHIC; YOU’RE SETTING THEM UP FOR FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENT.

Man, do I feel pathetic. Writing about it doesn’t make matters any better… never got the feeling I hoped I would.

I had to put inside my head that, the more I study, the faster it comes to an end. by the way, knowledge is something that nobody can steal from you!

and I’m not doing anything to reverse this lazy behavior. I am so stagnant. So very stagnant. I don’t want to move forward or back. I’m upset at myself for having done as well as I could have on the SATs (which I took months ago; more like last year) and this leads me to feel bad about not having preserved the knowledge I’ve received all my life. Sometimes, when I watch TV or when one of my teachers mentions a factoid that I used to know as a kid but have forgotten along the way, I feel dumb. Yeah, we forget things, but the things I forget are crucial building blocks to a better education.

Truth be told, I haven’t learned a single thing in Math Studies all year. Not a single thing. I know that I can do well if I try hard enough. I feel discouraged sometimes, when other people get things faster than I do, especially in math. It seems like second nature to them. I’ve never really had a problem with math … A real problem, at least. It’s just my work ethic. Maybe math does come easier to some people than others, but still, that doesn’t mean you can’t do well at it. I used to envy this girl who did well at math, but couldn’t take it when it came to calculus.

I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m ready for college at all. I mean really… my mind is just SO. VERY. BLANK. It’s been eaten up by superficial worries and… wanting to forget about stupid stuff and… a bunch of other junk. I haven’t focused on my studies at all this year and it just makes me feel like crap.

I haven’t even begun to set up my orientation day or my placement test dates or housingggg and all that jazz. I just feel so. so. so. so. so. so. so. blah.

Plus all this talk about America’s economy falling within the next 8 years or so just makes me feel even more discouraged.

I’ve lost the spark I had with life. I don’t want to be that stewardess that flies to various countries anymore. I don’t want to be the math teacher that helps kids who struggle with, well, math.

I don’t have an optimistic outlook on life at all, and this is killing me. I’m moving at a much slower rate than everybody else, it seems.

Maybe it’s the people I hang out with… Who knows? All I know is that this feeling is the worst.

My parents have worked hard, yeah, they have, give me and my brother a steady foundation. I somehow fail to appreciate that now. Now, when I have to prepare for college and decide what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Is this pressure or what? I don’t know.

first class today. I was so nervous I was sweating throughout the whole class. I have a wonderful group this time and my instructor is more interested in architecture than I imagained. He’s in charge of the woodshop, but has studied in Japan building their Shodji screens.

The class makes me really nervous, but the people in it help a lot. I’m so glad I switched to evening classes.

I ended up getting partial credit for my full-time program and doing an imcomplete over the holiday break to finish my learning contract. I’ve had some great professors.

I plan on taking evening classes next quarter, so I hope the change in atmosphere and schedule helps.