reconcile with my parents

I have this great family… underneath all the bitter scabby bits, i love them. Its taken a lot, because i’ve been overlooked and used a bunch in my life, and i’ve always turned away from family, i’ve never known who to trust. Now that i am a grown up, pretty confident person… all i have to trust is that I’m a good person to be arround and a good judge of character. I love my family a lot, unconditionally really… as much for their flaws and good attributes, and for the ways that they shaped me both negatively and positively.

My mother is a caring person. She is nearsighted sometimes, and can be critical… but she is easy to soothe because she feels isolated and defensive sometimes. I can relate to that! We have a whole new common ground. And i feel now, for the first time, that i really enjoy and look forward to seeing her. I like telling her all about my life, i like being candid, i even like when she judges me… because now i just laugh at her funny biases. She’s a tough lady… she’s gone through a lot of crappy medical stuff… she’s good at being solitary, she’s good at striding through the stares she gets about being the only employed person in gravenhurst without a car! I’m proud of her like crazy! And i trust her.

My dad is manipulative, and charming and stubborn too… but underneath his own struggles with what and what not to do with his life, he loves us…. me and my siblings. I hope one day he figures out that that’s all that matters.. we don’t care about his money or his ‘cool’ because frankly, if thats the only reason i liked him, i would have walked away long ago. Theres a whole other side to my dad… outside of his social framework. He is a layin’ on the couch, watching wheel of fortune, eating sour creme chips and diet coke kind of guy. He likes hugs. He likes telling stories, and that his stories drive everyone crazy because they are rambley and pointless… well they have a point.. they point to the things that make him happy. Its like he’s painting a picture of who he would like to be. Sometimes spending time with dad makes me sad, but he is also a smart and compassionate leader and I’m hopeful that he can come to terms with his internal demons in this lifetime and see how good his life is. :)

I am proud of the relationship i have encouraged with my parents over the past few years… and the way things have settled this last few months is something i never expected.

I am a mess inside though.

I need to do more internal work.
I feel like i have yet to acknowledge the impacts that these people have made on me.
I blame myself for many things, an old bad habit that was once a survival mechanism.

I need to reconcile with myself, to find peace as a child and step out of old patterns, let go of old fears and grudges.

I need to grow up.
To walk out of the shadow of my past into an exciting and unknown future.
I need to come to a place where i can truly care for myself with compassion and confidence!
Not in spite of myself but because i’m so awesome.

As an early christmas/haunukka gift for my stepmother, i phoned to see if i could drop off some table runners i made for their new home. It was on the way home from seeing ‘SWEENY TOD’ live at the princess of whales on king with my man-friend JB. They were home, and up/about and invited us up when we arrived. Dad happened to have some champagne on ice, and a strudel brought back from the morning market. What a sweet way to have the beau meet my parents. So caz.. so chill… champagne!

I got a call from pops this morning thanking me for the gift.
That night was like the cherry on top of my successes!

:)

The trick is to keep my heart open and full of compassion and not get caught up in the elation! hooray though. hooray anyway

Had a great weekend not least of which was spending time with my father and his wife at brunch. It was a gorgeous snowy morning and i walked the 45 min. to meet them at their favourite place. I was just happy, as i am these days and i think that made a huge impact on how things went down. When I’m vulnerable and closed up, things go really badly, but somehow i even managed to change their mind about a political thing (for the fun of it not because i wanted to/cared that much!) It was just nice to feel like i’m a person of my own with valid opinions. I phoned my brother on the way back, and had a nice little chat (it was his birthday).
I don’t know if its just a ‘growing up’ thing that is happening with me and my relationships or if its actually a result of my consciously working at all of this.

I know though, that feeling like i am a part of a family makes happier and more confident in general.

Hooray, I feel like this christmas will be my best ever!

Just reread my last entry. I’m smart!

My mom came down last weekend and we had a blast!
I can say that i feel awesome about my relationship with her. no longer doubt myself arround her or feel anxious… its great, i even enjoy talking on the phone.

I’m meeting dad and his wife for brunch sun. I’m gonna do my best t cherish that time and not be anxious and then make it suck.

:) baby steps.

I know that a big part of reconciliation is acceptance, and i guess that i’ve been hoping that i can make some headway talking through some misunderstandings logically, but well…

people dont change their minds overnight… and i guess i’m the offspring of some old dogs who don’t need any damn new tricks.

so, thwarted on some fronts, i’ll just enjoy the progress i’ve made so far and try to take their idiosyncrasies in stride… knowing that
A: i will consciously treat people better than i’ve seen them do, and hopefully have a happy more honest life.
B: will look forward to the day that they are able to hear me, and
C: cherish the times we have together and let them be themselves at least for the time being.

Ive really had some success in the past year.. and am glad.

which is why I haven’t. My parents and I have been emailing each week but we haven’t seen or spoken to each other since March this year. I am an only child so we have a very intense relationship. Mum & Dad have made overtures to try and meet up but I just haven’t been ready. Today I called them and we talked about everything. Most families aren’t perfect, I know that. We’ve agreed to take things slowly and to work on our communication. I think things will be ok.

Thursday night, i met my dad for dinner after his ski-club meeting. It was nice, we talked about normal stuff, i felt calm and i even enjoyed his ‘giving me advice’ moments.

I had a nice time with my mom, and there was nothing ‘despite’ about it! Stuff that usually would’ve bothered me about her, like her vaccuming my whole 600sqft apartment for about an hour (what was she doing out there while i cleaned the bathroom/floor?) would usually have made me neurotic and agitated, but whatever. That’s what she does. any time, she said something that was irksome, i flat out told her why it was bothering me. I didn’t censor myself when talking about family she’s estranged from. I didn’t feel gagged or put-upon. It was genuinely nice. I’m really looking forward to going up north for christmas.

I am so grateful that my parents are still arround and that i’m coming to accept and love them for what they are before i end up off somewhere beginging my own family.

I’ve been pretty whelmed lately. Still figureing out how to cope with my dad&wife after a blow up between she and i 2 weeks ago. He called this morning (early! as is his custom), and we did some serious talking. I’m glad that i’ve been considering this seriously and as objectively as possible because i think i made a bit of headway with him today. I think when he said ‘i love you very much’ today it was a considered statement. I’m glad because i love him too.

I forgot to phone my mom last night. I’ve been pretty stressed out, i’ve got a deadline tomorow and my boyfreind just left for a funeral in california so the air has been pretty heavy arround here for a while. And its raining!

I’ll figure out what to do about thanksgiving and call her tonight if she’s free.

I’m proud of staying strong and soft about this. Of crying without hysterics, of being honest but not accusatory with my dad being responsible for his own life and choices.

i’m seriously working on this…

For a very long time, i do the minimum, grin and bear time with both of them (they are separated and both pretty difficult people).

I have become a pretty cool person, and have learned to love my freinds as though they are family. I wouldn’t have gotten to such a place of balance without learning to bring people into my heart unconditionally.

I am leaving this province for the west coast in a year and i’ve already begun re-thinking/working my relationships with my parents. It will be a process especially since i don’t think they even know that i’ve been so emmotionally detatched from them. I must feighn relationships pretty well (not something i’m proud of).

Its hardest right now to be myself arround them, to be vulnerable by saying the things i think and talking about what is really important to me, not just the things i know they want to hear.
I don’t expect a change all of a sudden, or any kind of ‘watershed moment’ on their parts…. they may never even know the difference.

I just want to begin calling them because i miss them and care about them rather than because i feel obligated to check in.

I want to begin to find it important to be upfront when they say something that is upsetting and i want it to be worth it to me to defend my position on a topic they disagree with me about.

This is work, but it will be a healing work for me, so its worth it.