lose my virginity

lol i hope that doesn’t sound desperate..

At the beginning of 2009 after graduation I left my home country to come to London, England for a gap year before university. I never intended to wait until marriage to have sex, but I was quite proud having waited until 18 because most people I know had started much younger. I also decided that it was time though, high school was over and this was a year of freedom and opportunities and new experiences, my first year out of my parents house. So I arrived in London and stayed in a nice backpackers hostel for a while, where I met many cool, interesting new people. For the first time in life every day I could get up when I wanted, do whatever I felt like, eat and drink whatever and party until all hours without any responsibility. It was also the first time I saw snow. It was great. I made friends with people from my age to late thirties in the hostel and we had a great time together.
Since I hadn’t even kissed a guy in over two years (since I was 16) and my experience before then was limited to a few experiences which didn’t involve much (barring one short oral sex experience which quite literally sucked), I was eager to make the most of this fun, carefree environment.

I made out with a few guys my first week at the hostel, nothing serious, but then I met Brandon. He was great and all my friends loved him, he was the cooler older guy from America who was always up for a party. I just saw him as a friend, he was WAY too old for me (although I didn’t know his actual age, just thirty something). We hung out a lot, but he also hung out with everyone else so I thought nothing of it. Then one night we were sitting on a deck outside smoking shisha (a waterpipe filled with flavored tobacco or weed, very common at parties where I’m from) and there was a nerdy but nice Italian boy with us. I was in the middle, and we were laughing and chatting and having a great time. I decided I would show them how to pass the smoke from person to person, which looks like kissing. I was having fun, especially because the cute but nerdy Italian guy (nicknamed McLovin’) had been besotted with me since he arrived.

But then without McLovin’ knowing, Brandon started to actually kiss me as I was passing him the smoke. I didn’t know how to react but I guess because he was such a good friend I didn’t really think about the age difference at first. I was just surprised. Didn’t think it would lead anywhere, was just a bit of fun. Eventually I said I was going to put the pipe away and he took that as an opportunity to get some “alone time” with me, although really I just decided going to bed would be smart because I didn’t want to get myself into anything more with Brandon. He followed me and pushed me up against the wall in the corridor and kissed me. I told him I had to go to bed, that we shouldn’t be doing this, but he carried on and said we should. He kept telling me not to go, holding me and trying to persuade me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell this cool older guy I was a virgin, so I stayed. Then he suddenly led me into the shower cubicle nearby, at which point I realised more was going to happen than kissing. I started to protest but he had already shut the door and was kissing me and touching me all over. I never said NO though. I wish I had but I just sort of kept quiet and went with it because I was a bit in shock and also felt like it was too late to leave now, I had let things get this far. So I gave him head and he went down on me, and it felt so good that I stopped thinking about what was happening. Then he turned me around so I was standing and my hands were on the wall and fingered me from behind which felt good, but then I felt a stab of pain and he was suddenly inside of me. He was huge, it hurt a lot but I didn’t bleed. He told me I was tight… but I realised he didn’t actually know I was a virgin. He kept thrusting really roughly from behind for ages and then I felt him cum hard.
Afterwards we got dressed and I went up to bed. I was very confused. I was happy I lost my virginity (kind of), but felt like I had just made a really big mistake and given it away after all that time of waiting for something special. I then realised for the rest of my life I would remember my first time being in a bathroom shower stall with a man I didn’t even feel for who was nineteen years older than me (37) when I was just 18. That made me feel sick.
The next day I told him I was a virgin but I’m not sure he believed me.

To this day I regret it. I met my current boyfriend at the hostel too (whilst Brandon was still there), and we’re still together a year later. I was so afraid Brandon would tell my now boyfriend that we had sex before and I would lose him, but he didn’t thankfully, and then he went back to America. He tried to meet up with me when he was in London again recently but I refused.

I’m going to have to come up with a different story to tell my future kids oneday if they ask about my first time- because “mommy did it doggystyle with a guy 19 years older who she didn’t care about in a shower stall at a backpackers hostel” doesn’t sound good lol…

i haven’t lost my virginity because lack of confidence with girls and i’m am 22 :(

to a beautiful girl

still no success :(

not even so much as a girlfriend :(

I didn’t think this would happen so soon. I lost it to my boyfriend. No regrets.

we were dating. he was a complete jerk. but he was the first guy who would take me out, and give me lots of attention, and ACT like he gave a shit. i knew he was just going to use me. i just wanted him to stay with me because he was the only guy i had. i said no so many times, but eventually i just did what he wanted. i thought the few times he was really nice and sweet to me made up for all the times he treated me like shit.. well not really. he just used me for sex and now i feel cheap and used and STUPID.
he’s out of my life forever, he doesnt want me anymore. and WOW do i regret wasting it on him. i’m 18 by the way.

Took me 24 years of my life to trust a man.

Lately, this seems a lot less important and urgent than it did a few months ago. I’m much more aware of the physical and emotional risks of rushing into a sexual relationship in a desperate attempt to “get it done”. Now, what’s important to me is that I absolutely trust the person I am with, that we can talk honestly about protecting ourselves and that there is no nagging doubt when the moment comes. Until all these things happen, I’m content to leave that aspect of life alone.

before christmas 09