July 31, 2007 in Acton, Mass. We are now legally married. We have not yet had a ceremony. 5 years ago

We talked and talked and talked about the hard stuff… the stuff you never really want to talk about… perhaps out of fear of rejection… perhaps just fear boiling up from the past. But we talked anyway, and all kinds of surprising things came up. As painful as it was to be so opened with each other, and say the things we dreaded saying and to hear the things we dreaded hearing, we somehow were able to come up with a compromise that we both actually really like. It actually doesn’t seem like a compromise to me because I am getting what I need, and visa versa, plus I don’t feel like I am giving what I don’t want to give either.

Compromise can be a beautiful thing.

It keeps getting better, even through the awfulness. Like a phoenix through the flames… reborn into something even more magnificent! 6 years ago

fear of hell sometimes keeps us from heaven 6 years ago

I keep this ongoing goal/blog for days like these. Days when I really feel that quitting this relationship would be the best course of action for me and my sanity. I keep this running total of words to remember the kindnesses when the kindnesses seem to have run dry, and I feel convinced in my heart and mind that he no longer loves me. Because I feel that today. I feel like he has run out of love for me. I don’t want to say anything to him, because it seems to me that almost every exchange leads to an accusation from him… as if he takes glee in my every mis-step, and EVERYTHING I initiate IS a mis-step, a mis-take. He picks apart HOW I say things, and offers how I SHOULD say things. He makes me feel like I am perceived as an ungrateful, uneducated, graceless, spoiled brat… but not to put words into his mouth of course.

It is the pits. I do not remember the love right now… I don’t feel love from him. I don’t feel like he wants me to feel good about myself anymore. I think he wants me to loath myself as much as he does. He doens’t seem to want to be with me, and is content enough to not connect on any level with me.

I feel very hurt and rejected. I do not know what I did for him to behave in this way? I don’t know why he seems to dislike me so much, and wants me to feel bad. I don’t know where this is coming from. I feel like I am with a stranger, and I don’t like him.

My heart is broken. 6 years ago

Steve has been house-husbanding since he arrive home from his trip to Illinois. Since he was gone for a week, he doesn’t have much work on his bench, so he has been lovingly devoting more time to the garden and the house. He committed a neatness around the oven which kind of defies the imagination. I had no idea that the tiles and the over were actually so WHITE! I cook and do not clean, and it shows. Also, as I have been so busy settling into my new job, Steve has taken to cooking one dinner a week… this is huge in two ways. The first in that I am able to let go of cooking it, and second, in that he is willing to try cooking for the ultimately picky ME. So far so good. I feel lucky, blessed. 6 years ago

Instead of a full week away, Steve came home a day early, and was pulling in the driveway around 11 last night! I was exhausted… which was my plan to exhaust myself with Saturday chores, so that I would sleep. So I might have seemed a little underwhelmed… I didn’t jump all over him. But it was sweet. We went to bed in each other’s arms a awoke that way late in the morning. I made us a nice breakfast of coffee, raspberry danish, cantelope, and mushroom omelette. It has been a good day. 6 years ago

I miss him. I drove home today noticed his car was not in the driveway, and wondered if he was on a service call. Then I remembered he is in Illinois. Only five more days! I feel some discouragement that I’m not even half way yet. 6 years ago

He just left a few minutes ago. 6 years ago

I am so very much in love with this man.

It has been an 18+ year relationship, with the last four becoming romantic… and I just feel so connected with him… not just the small tenuous connection of attraction, but a connection of spirit, and “being” which is so deep, vast, profound. I feel like there is nothing unspoken, nothing hidden from how we are connected.

I have no questions, but always interest.

I enjoy being with him, even if it is to hug him deeply in the dogfood section of Target, while we carelessly block other shoppers from the selection of biscuits.

He is leaving day after tomorrow for Dixon, Illinois to be with his mother while she recovers from surgery. He is a good son.

I am not looking forward to our parting… a long week of parting… and I hope not a moment longer. Every night we stay up a little later in each other’s arms, and every morning we hold each other a little tighter before our morning departures.

Last night we cried a little, and to think it will only be a week! What tender and delicate flowers we are! Scappy survivors to all who see us in the outside world, but what a world of difference in our private lives. We wept and held each other last night, and reminded ourselves about what wet people we are.

Back in the early romance days we clung to each other when we parted. He lived on the westside of town and I downtown… a good fifteen minute drive apart, and back then we would part for days at a time. We used to start to miss each other an hour before “making leaving noises”, and would try to vow not to miss each other before we were actually parted.

For some reason I thought this would fade, and it hasn’t. Why should it? This isn’t a typical love. It isn’t young love. It isn’t magic, as I have said before. We work on it, constantly. He doesn’t know it all, and neither do I. We don’t have all the answers. We quarrel sometimes, we disagree, we have two completely different sets of eyes. We were raised differently. We are not the same person.

And yet, I find it to be constant revelation. Without too much drama we are able to work on this relationship. We are able to focus on those places where we come together without being distracted by the ways we do not.

We have taught each other keep ever mindful we are on the same team. He wants me to succeed in love and I want him to succeed in love. We want the other to win, and not at the expense of ourselves, but in the enrichment of our couplehood.

Perhaps too many words? Ah, who actually reads this? I write it for myself… to remember. Remember this amazing accomplishment I have made with MY STEVE to love unconditionally.

Now if I can just take these six or so people in my life who I love unconditionally and multiply it by a billion… well, then perhaps I can love the world’s human population, and that will knock off another of my life’s goals! 6 years ago

I sure do love this guy.

We are really seriously getting married next year… less than a year away! I am feeling okay about this. I am looking forward to it.

I sure do love this guy. 6 years ago

So many things in my life are really good. I am about to start a dream job which I would be happy enough to have as a career. My home life is wonderful, my health is finally getting better. I feel loved and secure. On the other hand My Steve is having difficulties with his family, work has hit a number of snags, and he is very tired and stressed. His mom keeps accusing him of not loving her because she forgets that he has written, and also did not realize that he is coming to take care of her in a couple of weeks. We sent her flowers on Friday, and that seemed to appease her somewhat, but she is the queen of backhanded compliments. He is more sensitive than anyone gives him credit for, and I know that he is in pain right now. A little slice of hell in April. So imagine what it must have taken for him to say while hugging me in the middle of Target, “At least I have THIS going well for me.” I know what he means. I felt the same way over the winter while my life was unravelling. I just want to be a rock for him. 6 years ago

It is really hard. The other day we talked about whether or not he would go visit with her, as she lives pretty far away. We decided together, after much discussion, that he would go, and I would support him IF she asked him to. Well, his nephew asked for her for him to come… and it is soon. He will have to leave on the day I start my new job. It feels like a test, but I know it is only life. Life goes the way it goes… without judgement or timing. I cannot go with him, and that is difficult, but I can support his decision to go, because I wouldn’t be any other way. If it were my mom I would hope that he could support me in this way too. It is kind of an honor to be able to hold him in this way. Gosh, he just spent a day and a half away last week, and it about made me crazy. Good thing I’ve had a little practice missing him. By the time he gets back, I’ll be really good at it. 6 years ago

Geez, how do you people put up with me! Here we are on this personal journey into couplehood… better and worse… sickness and health… bitchiness and grumpitude… and man what a ride. A good long boring ride, but also the best most beautiful gentle loving ride too. He’s on a trip this weekend, and won’t be home until late tomorrow night. I am missing him, and don’t know if I can sleep without him holding me. Ah, just one night apart. Hurry home my Steve! Drive carefully! (Where’s the Ambien?) 6 years ago

Hiding behind flowers. 6 years ago

Hiding behind a straw 6 years ago

This personal year for me, which started on my birthday in November has been particularly challanging. I lost my job, and could not immediately find a replacement. I became ill, and had to go to the emergency room sans insurance… and he stayed with me every minute, cancelled appointments. Recovery, and money tight, and feeling sad about it all… he has been there. My cheerleader. My biggest fan. Always believing in me. Now I am really beginning to turn a corner. Career back on track, health improving with the beautiful backdrop of spring in the mountains. I am grateful for this small part of eternity. Grateful for my Steve. 6 years ago

Steve just installed a new screen door off his shop, which is also the back exit of our house. It is amazing when something so simple makes life better immediately. It is easier to open and closes perfectly—every time. Our lives together get better in all kinds of ways daily. 6 years ago

April 23, 2008 7-ish (PM EDST)

sigh.

it’s hitching time 6 years ago

The broad spectrum on my emotions and thoughts on this subject has become less broad. In other words, marriage has become a consideration… in fact a date has been tentatively chosen:
April 23, 2008, 7ish (it is a Wednesday).

I am sure about a bunch of things, but the wedding and reception… not really having much of a clue there.

At least I no longer feel completely resistant. 6 years ago

Even those blissfully in love can have spasims of grumpiness and pissiness. We are in a pissy patch. It is of course all of HIS fault (in type there is no tone… this one should be sarcastic, because it really isn’t anyone’s fault… or perhaps actually even just as much MY fault as HIS)

We weather thru… that’s all you can do. Ain’t unconditional love grande? 6 years ago

Apologies to Chas. Dickens.

He is loudly snoring next to me in our cozy new bed. I never got a chance to tell him that I just landed a job at the University and they want me to start on Monday! 6 years ago

It is amazing how good the boring life can be… no huge daily rows, no family dramas, no accusations or broken crockery. Lot’s of laughs for sure, but not at each other’s expense.

Perhaps we (Americans) shun happiness because it is essentially boring?

I say viva la boring! 6 years ago

8 hours of cuddling with this guy! 6 years ago

We just got our first bed together. Yeay! Our relationship has had a slow yet ‘manifest destiny’ kind of feel to it. 18 years of acquaintance, months of secret dating, planning on what we would call each other, planning on blending our “family” and belongings… but now, the REAL commitment… a custom-made futon and platform bed.

It is wonderful! 6 years ago

Isn’t it strange that we have more to say about the frustrating times than we do about the good times? I have heard recently that we also tend to remember bad experiences better than good experiences. Well, I am happy and I want to remember it. Things are going so well. I am happy to see him when we are together, but do not pine for him when we are apart. Wonderful things are happening for us… and they are not really much to write about, little things. Lots of smiles, cuddles and kisses. Lots of plans. The big thing is that we are buying a bed together. A custom mattress too… that is real commitment. 6 years ago

ah sigh. 6 years ago

And it is. He is especially cuddly this morning. I made us a nice breakfast, and we parted friends and lovers. Being in love is the best valentines present. 6 years ago

In the past 24 hours we have succeeded in having a much deeper understanding about communication, and how true communication is an act of love and caring. Yesterday I was anxious about telling him where I wanted to go to eat. I was coy, and trying to get him to tell me what he wanted. But inside I really wanted to go to the neighborhood Greek restaurant for fish. He is a vegetarian, and I rarely consider that the Greek restaurant has lots of veggie sides and sometimes soups. We drove to another restaurant, and I told him I had myself fixed for Greek, and he said “great, let’s go there!” So we did, and it was nice. I felt listened to, cared for and loved. Today, he came home from a service call and was bummed about a situation which had arisen. I asked him “what can I do to cheer you up?” He said, come downstairs, straighten out the kitchen and cook me a meal that we can share together. That would cheer me up.” And you know, I was happy to do it, because it did cheer him up. I was especially grateful to have the opportunity to know that what I was doing was what he wanted and needed. Sometimes a little guidance is a beautiful thing. Sure it would be great to KNOW and ANTICIPATE what our beloved wants and needs, and to have a series of perfect surprises on a daily basis… but reality and simplicity require communication. Love is not a series of lucky guesses. 6 years ago

Is there anything nicer you can do for someone you love than to scrub their back with Burt’s Bees citrus soap, when the loved one has been having winter skin? How about rubbing skin cream into their feet and hands. Hmm. Love is a many spledid thing. 6 years ago

We went to a local MLK prayer breakfast together on Saturday morning. It was a wonderful event, and I really enjoyed being with him and with the new friends we made while there. While we were waiting in the line outside the conference room, I noticed he was wearing worn stained pants, an old frayed green shirt with his every day sneakers, and a nice salmon sports jacket. I was dressed in a nice skirt and sweater, with matching shoes, stockings and earrings. It was like we were going to two different events. He said to me, “Hey, we match!” And I laughed. Difference between men and women perhaps? He has nicer things, but he seems to have no idea when to wear them. But we do match. We match in all the ways that matter. I giggled about his clothes and my clothes, and found him endearing (instead of irritating), and greatly enjoyed my morning with him. He remarked afterwards how nice it was for him to have taken me out for dinner the night before, and then breakfast the next day… we do live together, and eat more meals together than apart. But it is that after 14 years of friendship, and almost 4 years of being in a serious relationship… it still feels like “new”. It still feels so lucky. It doesn’t matter what he wears, it only matters that he is here with me, and he loves being here with me. It makes the time go so much smoother and I feel so satisfied. 6 years ago