quit drinking

I always like reading the quotations that come up on the right-hand-side of the page when I’m on 43 Things.

Interesting to see THIS one, while looking at the ‘quit drinking’ posts, though:

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
- Drew Carey

Don’t know how many psychologists are out there, but reading has helped me along the way:
http://www.addictionalternatives.com/philosophy/stagemodel.htm#Stage%20Three:%20Preparation/Determination

Hopefully this won’t discourage anyone…I found it made a lot of sense as far as what I’ve been going through over the last 3 years….I think at the moment I’m at the end of the Action/Willpower stage and beginning the Maintainence stage…hopefully I won’t have to do another loop back to the Preparation/Determination or Contemplation stages.

Good Luck everybody!

Have only had one bad day, last Fri., The day my dad passed away. As many of you know I’ve been dealing with my dad’s cancer. I guess I’ve given myself permission to drink the last month that things have been bad. I’ve always used alcohol as a crutch. Right now I’m still coming out of the fog, and don’t remember what my “old” life was like. But as I get back to a more “normal” life, I’d like it to be primarily alcohol free. I was really making some head-way prior to mid-May. I will try to post more and make a real effort to have lots and lots of drink free days.

I find myself to be a fighter. Someone who fights for what they believe in. I am an entity that will not give in if my loved ones are at stake. I’ll fight for myself too but only so that I may go on to continue and finish my duty of protecting the good in this world. But I find I am often confused and agonizingly critical of myself. I think only when I am completely centered as a person, as an identity, comfortable in what defines me will I be able to fulfill my job in this world and find the meaning I so desperately seek. I abuse cigarettes and alcohol to hide this, to create drama so I won’t look at the real issue that I’m basically not being who I am. I go from club to club, party to party, bar to bar, pack after pack of cigarettes to flood my mind with this illusory happiness that I know is nothing of what I seek but a mirage designed to keep me from seeing that I am in the desert and only when I truly look for water will I be able to drink it. I am not a series of hypocrisies (as I often seem) but (underneath it all) a person who solely wishes to be for once, comfortable in her skin. Occasionally it is the ones who seem to care about nothing that honestly want to find something. And though there are many who are careless I am not one. Though I may at times seem like nothing more than a drunk chain smoker who only cares about the next party, the next cigarette, it could not be further from the truth. Truth and illusion are hard to tell apart alot of the time. But once the truth is grasped you never want to let go. Because for once all of your trivial actions, all of your petty issues are proved once and for all to be nothing more than items designed by you or your inner demon or even both to prevent you from actually standing out and doing what you really are meant to do. I do speak of fate and destiny, both of which I believe in. The main idea is that you must seize it. I realized today, though my mind wants me to forget and go on, that I really am unable to control my drinking. I will always feel guilty for drinking. Because in the end, I’m not drinking because I am enjoying it. I’m drinking because I want to drown myself, dilute myself. I don’t want to face the truth. And as time progresses, I will actually become addicted. Whereas now I drink to not think and to drown out my conscience, later I will drink because I can’t not drink. I used to think all of the embarrassing things I’ve done while drunk (truly embarrassing, even degrading) were the actions of my inner demon I now see they were the actions of my conscience that after not being able to get a hold of me while sober (guilt) resorted to making me feel horrible even as I drink. Oh my God, I cannot control it. Even as I type this I drink. On campus I had two beers during class. Then after I had another beer. As soon as my buzz wore off I was miserable. I couldn’t stand that I wasn’t buzzed. I wanted more beer so badly I thought of skipping class. When class ended early I had no other in my mind. Drink. Drink. Have a beer. So when I had just the one beer I figured I might just stop and go to my last class. I WAS MISERABLE during class. Miserable because I didn’t have my two or more beers. Miserable because I only had one. This isn’t right. I think of the prospect of just not drinking anymore and I instantly think of all that I’ll lose (going to the bar with friends, parties, going to a restaurant and having wine with my meal). I THINK OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS I WILL BE LOSING! I realized today, this “thinking of all I’ll lose” is the same exact thought pattern I go through when I think of quitting smoking, a substance I am truly addicted to. I don’t want to say it. But there’s a problem there. But I am not the person who drinks alll the time. I am the person who when alcohol is around… will drink alllll of it. If it is in my home I will finish it by the end of the week. I however don’t show the same behavior when I am with a friend at a bar or at a restaurant. I therefore conclude that I can no longer have alcohol in the house. I just turned 21. I want to believe there is hope I can still enjoy a drink every now and again.

EDIT: Did you notice that? THrough my entire writing I told of how I can’t control it and yet at the end I concluded I’ll not drink at home. Another mind game. No, as I am feeling the buzz from the alcohol I drank (and poured down the drain) I am craving more. I am CRAVING it. No, I conclude I have to quit drinking.

about 3 months ago i was in a car accident and sustained severe lacerations to my arms. it was truly a near death experience. i was intoxicated out of my mind and driving a very fast car i had recently purchased, and i wasn’t wearing a seat belt. the car flipped and i landed somewhere in the back of the hatch. as if i wasn’t lucky enough for surviving, i had to deal severe injuries to my arms. at one point i thought i would lose my ability to play musical instruments. i live and breathe music. this was just heart breaking. but after 2 months i had regained full function of my arms and am 100% back to health. not a night goes by where i don’t lay in bed and dwell on the horrifying night. i’m just so fortunate my friend/ passenger, who was completely unharmed, was there to call for help or i would have surely lost everything.

i swore to never drink again.
i’ve been sober for three months.

Has anyone ever tried therapy as a way to help quit drinking? Did you find it useful? I’ve been to therapy a couple of times, but I can’t say that it’s ever been super helpful. Maybe they just weren’t telling me what I wanted to hear – that it’s OK to drink. Well, it’s NOT OK to drink when you do the things I do as a result, like drinking and driving, eating bad, not exercising, not being productive at work, etc etc.

I think I may try therapy again. This time, instead of being defensive about drinking, I will be straightforward and say that I have a problem and that I need help.

http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/3394837/

It only takes one time drinking and driving to ruin your life (and possibly someone else’s). He’s very lucky the two girls he hit are OK.

I haven’t posted lately,
however, i’ve been doing well with the drinking thing. The last 3 weeks have been extremely busy, not a lot of time for drinking anyway.
I spent a lot of time visiting my sister (she’s only 36) in the hospital..with what they think is a serious kidney infection (not drinking related) but it opened my eyes a lot, she is very healthy, excercises, ect.
It made me think about the abuse i put my body through, and what am i going to do when it says enough…i also met other people at the hospital that were really unwell, with conditions relating to years and years of abuse on there bodies. I don’t want to be like that. Sure, some things will be what they are, i may end up getting really sick anyway, but i don’t want to contribute anymore to it and up my odds.

In a nutshell, yesterday was by far my toughest day so far. For the first time since I quit drinking, I began to have serious considerations about taking a drink. The only thing that saved me was thinking about how I would feel AFTER the drink, both physically and mentally. The “after thoughts” certainly didn’t cause the struggle to recede, but it did help. And eventually, the urge went away all together.

My intense struggle yesterday was both good and bad. Bad, because one would like to think that eventually the struggles will end. But, good, because it was a great reality check. It reminded me that I should be thankful for the times when resisting alcohol is easier, but always be ready to do battle for the times that it’s not. Yesterday was a battle, and thankfully I survived. One small victory at a time.

Looks like the intervention was way too late for him.

Wow…I think I’ve seen parts of that episode before and I’ve watched other ones…thank god I got my DUI when I did and got my wake up call before things got that bad…hopefully they never would have…

He reminds me of me ex-boyfriend…who was abused as a child too…and had an abusive relationship with alcohol and drugs. One thing my theapist made me realize when I quit for 3 months is that my relationship with alcohol is like a relationship with a boyfriend. And in the past year or so I’ve realized that in order to be in an abusive relationship you have to be either an abuser or abusee…I typically take the role of abusee…stopping that habit is really hard.

Anyway, this stuff is no fun to think about…time to get on the bike and keep up with my triathlon schedule.