help my kids achieve their goals

I visited my daughter in the hospital Friday, as planned. I could write hundreds of words about the experience, but I’m going to keep this brief. At least, for now. Truth is, I’m still trying to understand it myself.

I’m not going to label it good or bad, because, was with everything else that happens in this life, judgments like that are open to interperatation. I’m going to “let it be.”

The good news is we did see each other, we talked (although there were some awkward silences) and we hugged each other hello and goodbye. And we made plans to meet again next week.

I’m going to avoid any mention of the things we didn’t say, the expectations that weren’t met and anything else that can be construed as negative.

I’ll certainly never be accused of being the most optimistic person in the world, but I’m working hard to limit my penchant for negative thoughts and emotions. It’s one of those mental programs that’s caused loads of bad karma for me.

I’m determined to change.

I’m visiting my daughter in the hospital on Friday (6/15/07). I haven’t seen her in five months. The long absence is a long story, one that would take volumes to explain. Essentially, she didn’t want to see me or her mother, and the doctors thought it advisable not to press the issue.

I’m surprisingly calm about it. I’m hoping to keep things light, hold out some hope to her after her long convalescence. She’s got a long battle ahead of her as she learns to cope with bipolar disorder.

If she comes away from the visit feeling that I’m still in her corner, that I’ll do anything to help, that I love her beyond words can say, then the experience will have been a success.

I went to Probate Court today and picked up the paper work to become a conservator for my daughter, who’s still in the hospital. It’s a long story, but this step is necessary to ensure that her needs are provided for, as she’s in no position to make decisions about her day-to-day affairs. She turns 18 on Saturday (May 19). Technically, that makes her an adult, but with all the time the kid has spent in institutions these last few years, she’s had so little experience in the real world. On the advice of her lawyer, I’m becoming her conservator.

I never imagined that her life, or mine, would take such a turn. I’ve been depressed since she was hospitalized four months ago, but I’m not now. Which is a surprise, given my extreme pessimism. I’m doing what has to be done to care for her in the best way I can. In time, things will change. I’m telling myself she WILL get better. The trick is believing it.

My son got his driver’s license today (4/20)! I’m happy for him. Just days before, I spied the boy intently studying the exam guide I downloaded for him, so in some small way I helped. As for his road test, he received a perfect score – not a single point was deducted. And just who was it that gave him such expert instruction? Why, I did, of course! Hey, I haven’t had much to crow over recently, so naturally I’m going to hog some of the credit for his success.

My son is now in a band – and playing at a few teen clubs. He’s now in his element. Helping him as much as possible – driving to practices, contributing to equipment…

My daughter is still struggling in the hospital with her bipolar disorder. I’ve never felt so powerless in all my life. She blames me for her being there. She’s refusing to speak with me or her mother. I haven’t talked to her in close to three months. Her 18th birthday is May 19. The doctors say it’s going to take time. When will this end?

Well, my son’s driver’s test was a bust. He failed the written exam by a single question. “These things happen,” I told him. “We just move on.” I downloaded and printed the official drivers’ manual for for him today. He was reading it online. It’s better to study with a hard copy, I think. He’s taking another stab at it in a few of weeks. Stay tuned.

I’ve written two entries about helping my son achieve his goals, but I’ve said nothing about my 17 year-old daughter. I’d like to, now.

It’s not that my daughter doesn’t have goals, or that I don’t want to help her achieve them. The problem is this: she’s on the dark side of the moon at the moment, out of contact with the rest of the world.

She has bipolar disorder, which causes her moods to fluctuate between vertiginous highs and crashing lows. The condition induces fits of bad and bizarre behavior that have resulted in her spending much of the last three years in hospitals and residential treatment facilities.

She doensn’t like being institutionalized, and blames me for sending her away. I don’t like having her away from home, but she’s uncontrollable when she’s here, especially when she’s not taking her prescribed medications.

Sometimes – and it’s happening more and more lately – she becomes delusional or psychotic. It’s scary – for her and for those who love her. This is one of those scary times.

Mood stabilizing drugs help, but she doesn’t always take them. She tells me the pills make her feel “like a zombie.” I don’t want my kid walking through life feeling narcotized, though I crave the normalcy the medication has given us, those precious moments when she’s lucid and fully alive.

I always feel helpless when she’s in the hospital. All I can do is be patient while the doctors work to get her stabilized. When I can talk to her (soon, I hope) she and I will begin the long climb – again – out of the darkness and into the light.

It’s late, and I’m feeling a little bit down about the situation. Strange, but this “place,” this website, is where I feel I can be the most honest with myself.

The world demands that we smile through the pain. Tonight, I just don’t feel much like smiling.

Just a quick follow-up. The driving lessons are going OK, though my son has logged only about half of the required 20 hours instruction time behind the wheel. (We’ve both been pretty busy.)He seems to have mastered the basics, and is reasonably confident of is ability to pass the test. It’s scheduled for Feb. 22—a scant week from today. Honestly, I think I’m more anxious about it than he is. I’m aiming to get at least five hours drive time with him before this weekend is up.

I began giving my son driving lessons today. Though he turned 19 in December, he has yet to obtain his license. Frankly, he hadn’t shown much interest in driving, and I wasn’t pushing it given the expense of buying auto insurance for a kid. Now that he’s planning on going to college (he’ll most likely be communting for the first couple of years) he’s newly motivated to get behind the wheel. I’m happy to help. His mother’s decision to abandon the family, the subsequent divorce and the daily chaos of living with his mentally ill sister rattled him to the core, though he’d never admit it. Lately, and ever-so-tentatively, we’ve been talking more about the need for both of us to “move on.” Just this little bit of progress gives me hope that this year will be better than last.