mean what I say

i’ve really learned to be strong in my opinion and not to say things reactively or in my own defense after critisiscm. Usually if someone offers a criticism its an opportunity to learn from their view of me, i’d like to beleive that if someone bothers to criticize me it is because they care enough to say something!

I’m a roller-coaster, but i’m loving it!
no more swallowing of thoughts, i’m loving learning to speak this uncluttered mind!

i asked jb to marry me the other day. it was an akward moment. i meant it, as far as i can figure, he considered it. I turned away and asked if he wanted tea.

Later he asked me if i meant it, and i without question said yes, but all of this was really casual. He said, that he was humbled by it, because he didn’t think he could..

He said, you’ve never met a single member of my family..
true,i said i’m sure that we’d get along.

Its a bit crazy.

Later on in the weekend he asked me what i would have done if he’d said yes, i said… that i’d marry him.

i mean it as more of an eventual thing.

but i mean it.

i don’t think this was a misguided thing, that was somehow subconsciously bad, i think it was just impulsive and that that’s okay too in life.

still i doubt if we’re going to get married.. he never straight up answered.
never the less, we had an amazing secluded cottage weekend… and nothing seems to have changed, so no harm done.

I get this feeling, that its time to let things go naturally… that i’ve done and been everything i can in a relationship romantic or otherwise. Its a feeling of both releif and exasperation.

I felt this about JB and i the other night. I sincerely was done.

I sort of unilaterally ended our relationship, he was in disbeleif at first (asking me outright if i am skeizophrenic i think is a good indication of his disbeleif non?) but continued to hear me out and assented to my plain manner and the facts i put forth and to my side.
He didn’t really offer any kind of ‘retort’ and his response was generally ‘small’ because as he has warned me he is very reserved.

It has been two days of coming to terms with this division, i have been trying to help him decide what is best for us, how we can continue to support each other so meaningfully but yet go our separate romantic ways.

It has been freaking hard. He was/is visibly hurt about this and has felt as though there is no alternative.

This morning at dawn… we started waltzing arround once more the topic of how he feels, what we do next etc.

I’m glad that i am who i am, i’m glad that i am so strong a person and i know what i need to do to stay happy, but i asked this morning if i was being too rigid, and he said, i think so.

Now we are ‘unbroken up’

I feel stained, and a bit like a pushy jerk.
We both had valid reasons.
We both eventually expressed them.

For the little that he does say, he put it perfectly today, he explained to me what all my meandering talk meant.

He said… i want you, i don’t need you.

It was exactly what i needed to hear.
I realized in that moment that i’ve been feeling that i’m not wanted, but that i’m required somehow, that we are locked into a support-pattern of some kind, that all the wrong parts of a relationship were playing out.

I was wrong, and i’m glad.

We are both very strong people. We both value our independence, but its important to me to ‘express my worry’ more often. to give him the opportunity to support me, so that i feel wanted and cared about.

I feel blessed to have such a good freind, lover and teacher, he is a telling example of the benefits of being concise.
Cheers JB

I am learning how much easier it is to be completely transparent (with myself) about my motives and about the times that i’m cranky and making trouble for no good reason…

After litterally weeks of not arguing or being on edge with one another, jb and i found ourselves back in the midst of another crappy argument that begun with me being insecure, a little drunk and tired and him having no time for my needling want of support. He got mad, surprised me with his ferocity and its quick action… but i, being open to acknowledging my own faults i stopped him dead. NO, i said, we’re not doing this! I’m tired, a little drunk and so are you, we don’t really need to struggle over this crap. It was very sobering, breif and cool to have been that strong in my self knowledge. I apologized and so did he and we were off to the races, had a superb evening thereafter reading and sipping sleepy time tea!
woot! I’m proud!

that everyone who wants to ‘mean what i say’ is a girl. no? i think its hilarious, and although i’m not a beleiver in ‘fundemental differences’ between male and female personalities.. i know a lot of men get absolutely flabberghastedly frustrated with me when i say something and then renague.

For me its all in good fun, usually its just that i agree to things i WISH i could do, and am unrealistic… i used to be more in the drastic self-deception line of things.

I got away from that because of my buddhist self-awareness practice and meditation, but sometimes slip up still.