stop seeking the approval of others

“Once you understand that searching for approval in others is really a clue to what you need to give yourself, you will feel just an overwhelming sense of relief.”

I kept reminding myself that I’m there to help my depression. I’m not there to get “approval” from guys in order to feel good about myself. While I was working out, I kept telling telling myself that “I am beautiful”. Instead of looking outward for approval, I looked inward for my own approval. From now on , I’ll just focus on whats in front of me/what I’m doing. Plus, I also wore something unflattering to the gym since my leggings have holes in them! I had to make a choice of either going to the gym with the unflattering attire and go to the mall to buy leggings, but risk the possibility of not having time to workout/not feel like it anymore. So I just reconsidered my current priorities/goals and it definitely helps me make my decision. Its hard though, but I keep reminding myself that I need to take care of myself physically/mentally. If its not good for me, I’m not going to keep dwelling on it.

Whenever I notice that I was about to seek someone’s approval through altering my behavior, I stopped. YAY! I was simply just being…myself as oppose to being extra conscious that other people could be watching me…

It was my Dad that brought this to my attention! He said from the time I was just a Baby, I would look into his eyes as if to say, “Am I good enough for you?” Wow! What an eye opener! Thanks to him, I’m more aware of this distructive behaviour that I have set out to conquer!! Thanks, Dad!

My need to seek approval from others is crippling. Today, I got some emails from a couple of my neighbors in my co-op, copied to every single person who lives here, complaining about my dog. I have a 10 month old puppy who barks from time to time. I’m doing everything in my power to control the problem and I really want to be a good neighbor, so imagine my embarassment to get these rudely-worded emails for everyone to read. It literally ruined my day. I’ve been crying nonstop. I try to do everything possible to fly under the radar and not be inconvenient to others, and I failed. I feel like I am bad at life just because two neighbors don’t like my dog. I’m embarassed to leave my apartment. I feel like such a failure. I wish I didn’t automatically feel like this when other people are critical, but I do. It’s ruining my life.

I find myself making decisions very easily in my career. Its fast paced and often leaves me making split second decisions. I have always worked well under pressure and usually make the correct choice/meet the deadline/ get the job done.

But in my personal life I can barely choose a place to eat. it has led me to be very easy going because I allow others to make the decisions and I roll with whatever that decision is.

However, Sometimes in life there are decisions that need to be made by yourself : Should I get ask that girl out, apply for that job, plan a trip, stay in this relationship, etc.

When I am faced with these situations, I ponder and waffle and play out every possible outcome even when I could not possibly know the outcome. I do this to a point of stressing myself out or to where the time passes and no decision needs to be made.

I worry about what I’m “supposed” to be doing, what others will think, and how I will be viewed. Who cares who I date as long as its a healthy relationship? Who cares if I apply for the job, if I dont someone will. What will “they” think if I apply and dont get it? what will “they” think if I do get it? Am I qualified? Was I stupid for trying? Why do I care what “they” think?

I’m a single guy with no dependents but it still eats at me. is this normal? What is normal? And why do I care so much to match it?

For quite a few years, I have stopped worrying about what others think of me (in my personal sphere of life)! For those who think highly of me, it’s always welcomed and a huge bonus! For those who do not think so highly of me, then that is okay and is none of my concern. It is their truth as to why they choose that thought. I have come to accept that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea in this lifetime. Realizing all of this has also forced me to concentrate on ME because in the end, that’s all I ever had any true control over anyway, and that knowledge alone has been extremely freeing!!

But I’m not sure to what. Something along the lines of living an authentic life and being true to myself.

I’ve realised it’s part of something bigger. I do try to please other people. Actually, it’s more that I behave in a way to try to make them think well of me. It sometimes means hiding how I really feel or presenting just a certain facet of myself and hiding another.

It feels good to have approval and be accepted because I lacked that when I was younger to some degree. I think I’ve learned how to achieve it but at this stage in my life I think I’d just rather feel free.

As many teens do, I worried about peer approval for much of my high school years. I rarely felt I was on the same wavelength as the people I hung out with.

I’m in my second year of college now and am trying to embrace my own wavelength. It was easier to do this last year when I was in Yellow Springs, OH (a hippie town with a very accepting, laid-back community) than this year, back at home in New York City (pretty critical, high-paced, and kind of wearing). I’ve definitely stopped feeling horrible about myself like I sometimes did in high school. I’m less self-conscious and can leave the house without obsessing over my hair, you know? But I still worry about getting approval.

I’ve recently started dating someone twice my age. Things are incredibly good between us – it’s been two months, and he treats me outstandingly. I’ve been trying to treat him as best I can, and I’m learning to communicate with him in a way I’ve never felt comfortable doing with anyone else. He’s mature! Finally! Someone I can trust to act human and humane with me!

But as open as he is with me, I’ve had a harder time letting him into my life. The age difference is a good excuse, but it’s still an excuse. There’s a deeper reason. Part of it is my fear that maybe I’m unloveable. And part of it is the belief that people around me would not accept it. They’d think I was crazy, pathetic, or whatever. I’m not even sure what I think they’d think, I just fear it.

It doesn’t matter though, really. I’ve chosen the friends to tell carefully, and they’ve reacted as I thought they would. They’ve all accepted it, whether or not they were okay with it initially – because they noticed how I’ve set my jaw to go through with it, whatever they think. Instead of ousting me from their life, they’ve been very supporting (as friends worth having would do).

I think it’s okay for me to have sought the approval of my closest friends. But what about the others, the people I’m still reluctant to tell?

I don’t have to tell them. But if I run into them and the topic comes up, I won’t lie to them. Because I shouldn’t seek their approval any longer! I don’t need it! Some part of me still looks for it, but I need to really think through why and just get over it. I love who I love and I am who I am, and the people that wouldn’t accept that aren’t worth my time. Not really because they wouldn’t approve of what I’m doing, but because I always kind of knew that they weren’t people I enjoyed being around anyway. I just thought I was supposed to like them. I assumed the others were right. But I know what feels good and what doesn’t, and now it’s time to really listen to myself. To push myself to understand and change for greater happiness.

I really should do this one… id be much happier and get alot more accomplished…when you seek the approval of others you just go in circles…because noone ever approves of the same things as others so you can never please everyone…see where im going with this??...poo