stop seeking the approval of others

It was my Dad that brought this to my attention! He said from the time I was just a Baby, I would look into his eyes as if to say, “Am I good enough for you?” Wow! What an eye opener! Thanks to him, I’m more aware of this distructive behaviour that I have set out to conquer!! Thanks, Dad!

My need to seek approval from others is crippling. Today, I got some emails from a couple of my neighbors in my co-op, copied to every single person who lives here, complaining about my dog. I have a 10 month old puppy who barks from time to time. I’m doing everything in my power to control the problem and I really want to be a good neighbor, so imagine my embarassment to get these rudely-worded emails for everyone to read. It literally ruined my day. I’ve been crying nonstop. I try to do everything possible to fly under the radar and not be inconvenient to others, and I failed. I feel like I am bad at life just because two neighbors don’t like my dog. I’m embarassed to leave my apartment. I feel like such a failure. I wish I didn’t automatically feel like this when other people are critical, but I do. It’s ruining my life.

I find myself making decisions very easily in my career. Its fast paced and often leaves me making split second decisions. I have always worked well under pressure and usually make the correct choice/meet the deadline/ get the job done.

But in my personal life I can barely choose a place to eat. it has led me to be very easy going because I allow others to make the decisions and I roll with whatever that decision is.

However, Sometimes in life there are decisions that need to be made by yourself : Should I get ask that girl out, apply for that job, plan a trip, stay in this relationship, etc.

When I am faced with these situations, I ponder and waffle and play out every possible outcome even when I could not possibly know the outcome. I do this to a point of stressing myself out or to where the time passes and no decision needs to be made.

I worry about what I’m “supposed” to be doing, what others will think, and how I will be viewed. Who cares who I date as long as its a healthy relationship? Who cares if I apply for the job, if I dont someone will. What will “they” think if I apply and dont get it? what will “they” think if I do get it? Am I qualified? Was I stupid for trying? Why do I care what “they” think?

I’m a single guy with no dependents but it still eats at me. is this normal? What is normal? And why do I care so much to match it?

For quite a few years, I have stopped worrying about what others think of me (in my personal sphere of life)! For those who think highly of me, it’s always welcomed and a huge bonus! For those who do not think so highly of me, then that is okay and is none of my concern. It is their truth as to why they choose that thought. I have come to accept that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea in this lifetime. Realizing all of this has also forced me to concentrate on ME because in the end, that’s all I ever had any true control over anyway, and that knowledge alone has been extremely freeing!!

But I’m not sure to what. Something along the lines of living an authentic life and being true to myself.

I’ve realised it’s part of something bigger. I do try to please other people. Actually, it’s more that I behave in a way to try to make them think well of me. It sometimes means hiding how I really feel or presenting just a certain facet of myself and hiding another.

It feels good to have approval and be accepted because I lacked that when I was younger to some degree. I think I’ve learned how to achieve it but at this stage in my life I think I’d just rather feel free.

As many teens do, I worried about peer approval for much of my high school years. I rarely felt I was on the same wavelength as the people I hung out with.

I’m in my second year of college now and am trying to embrace my own wavelength. It was easier to do this last year when I was in Yellow Springs, OH (a hippie town with a very accepting, laid-back community) than this year, back at home in New York City (pretty critical, high-paced, and kind of wearing). I’ve definitely stopped feeling horrible about myself like I sometimes did in high school. I’m less self-conscious and can leave the house without obsessing over my hair, you know? But I still worry about getting approval.

I’ve recently started dating someone twice my age. Things are incredibly good between us – it’s been two months, and he treats me outstandingly. I’ve been trying to treat him as best I can, and I’m learning to communicate with him in a way I’ve never felt comfortable doing with anyone else. He’s mature! Finally! Someone I can trust to act human and humane with me!

But as open as he is with me, I’ve had a harder time letting him into my life. The age difference is a good excuse, but it’s still an excuse. There’s a deeper reason. Part of it is my fear that maybe I’m unloveable. And part of it is the belief that people around me would not accept it. They’d think I was crazy, pathetic, or whatever. I’m not even sure what I think they’d think, I just fear it.

It doesn’t matter though, really. I’ve chosen the friends to tell carefully, and they’ve reacted as I thought they would. They’ve all accepted it, whether or not they were okay with it initially – because they noticed how I’ve set my jaw to go through with it, whatever they think. Instead of ousting me from their life, they’ve been very supporting (as friends worth having would do).

I think it’s okay for me to have sought the approval of my closest friends. But what about the others, the people I’m still reluctant to tell?

I don’t have to tell them. But if I run into them and the topic comes up, I won’t lie to them. Because I shouldn’t seek their approval any longer! I don’t need it! Some part of me still looks for it, but I need to really think through why and just get over it. I love who I love and I am who I am, and the people that wouldn’t accept that aren’t worth my time. Not really because they wouldn’t approve of what I’m doing, but because I always kind of knew that they weren’t people I enjoyed being around anyway. I just thought I was supposed to like them. I assumed the others were right. But I know what feels good and what doesn’t, and now it’s time to really listen to myself. To push myself to understand and change for greater happiness.

I really should do this one… id be much happier and get alot more accomplished…when you seek the approval of others you just go in circles…because noone ever approves of the same things as others so you can never please everyone…see where im going with this??...poo

While I marked this as “done” awhile back, it’s really an ongoing process forever if you ask me. What really shattered my search for approval was watching other people for awhile. This will sound pessimistic and crude to some, but I’ve found it to be true and the reason why I realized seeking approval is horrifically damaging to one’s own psyche. I’ve realized that a lot of people are really selfish, have their own agendas, wants, needs, and a lot of them are manipulative of others to get those things. They don’t even care about you! You’ll never get approval from them no matter what. Plus there’s people you just shouldn’t even seek approval from, such as an abusive parent. Everyone has their own skewed idea about what makes a perfect person, and the only way you get approval from someone else is fitting into their subjective idea of that, but the only way that can happen is if the other person shares the same ideas and values as you. And remember, it is an IDEA. Ideas can be wrong or bad! I mean, as an extreme example, there are people out there who think that children should be their sex partners. Could you imagine if you were seeking approval from these people?

By seeking approval, you make you wrong and the other person perfectly right. For me, that alone makes me not want to seek approval. I’d rather be right by trying to approve of myself.

someone suggested that i don’t need approval from people, and i didn’t even know i was doing that. after awhile of paying attention to the way i interact with people, i noticed i do it all the time. i feel like i need other people to tell me i’m okay, and that everything is okay for me to believe it. i think it’s got something to do with self-confidence, and the respect you have for yourself, but i haven’t figured it out yet.

I’m gona be straight up. I go around acting nice to people because I want to be liked because I have few friends. But then I realize that people end up taking advantage of me and/or disrespecting me which spirals me into depression and this vicious emotional rollercoaster. I can’t figure out how to walk around not needing approval and at the same time not coming off like I’m arrogant, angry or anti-social. I guess deep down I’m afraid of people mis-judging me whereas I end up having no friends at all. How the heck do I find the courage to “not give a crap” without projecting a negative attitude? How do I get to a point whereas I actually approve of myself?