A friend of mine, who’s a therapist, suggested me write a sort of plan about myself.. I’d like to share it with you, ‘cause I think it’s quite important in order to reach this goal.

How I think I am. I think I’m a perfectionist. Gloomy. Attentive, but just with other people. Not enough self-indulgent. I like looking at old photos, tickets, souvenirs. I like storing memories. Finding myself in book, songs, art. Visiting museums. I like being kind. Actually I am. I am obstinate. I work hard. I like fancing, daydreaming, writing. Maybe sometimes I exceed in communication. I use too much the word “maybe” when I write. Maybe I just try to pretend I don’t feel what I’m writing as absolutely right. I trust too much my head, and listen too little to all the rest. I trust the good inside people. I live by setting goals. Sometimes it’s constraining. I’m a contrarian. I’m a playful person. I love learning. I can’t think to things as a stream: even writing in this period is a way to take stock of the situation.
I’m stuck knowing my self.

What I’d like to find out about myself. I’d like to find out my spontaneity. I’d like to give importance to my emotions, without feeling worried or frightened about them. I’d like to find out that I’m able to live a relationship with a man. I’d like to find out that I’m able to say no, to speak my mind, without feeling guilty. I’d like to find out slowness. I’d like to find out I’m able to live my life without the sensation that I need to account what I do to someone. I’d like to give importance to my expectations about me. I’d like to find out I can fall in love. I’d like to get rid of the importance I give to other people’s needs, problems, expectations about me. Without worrying about their reactions.

How I think I could be: I could be more free. I could enjoy more the world. I could have more self regard. I think I could be more interested in living life the way I want to live it. I think I could live without a couple of clichès. 1 year ago

I’ve always wanted to do this, but sometimes everyday life doesn’t let you live “for living”..
I’ve been living for someone/something else for at least 3 years,trying to understand problems, issues and anxiety of the people I care about.. till 3 months of panic attacks holded me back: this afternoon, talking with my a therapist friend of mine, I realized that I experienced world, and other.. but I never experienced myself: I was too worried about worrying over other people to really listen to what I deserved or I just wanted . I want to experience myself: I wanna know more about me, without social performance anxiety, without worrying about other people’s expectations about me. 2 years ago