face my fear of being alone

just realized one day your not always going to have someone to talk to or be with and thats life. sounds so simple but thats the way it is.

I’m only 23, yet I had to go through some personal things in relationships, to realize that if you don’t truly enjoy the company of ‘self’, truly look at your ‘self’ in the mirror and love YOU, then how can YOU expect someone else to? IMPOSSIBLE! Presently i’m NOT single, and some days I miss it, but there are days I appreciate my partner! lol…I feel like there is BLISS in singleness. It feels good 2 not B fondled on at times, (unless u wanna do it urself). It feels good not to feel pressured near birthdays, holidays, and trying to come up with creative, romantic things to do or say. And when ever you miss doing those things…DO THEM 4 URSELF! As cheezy as it may sound and feel…it will open ur eyes and put into perspective how a man should treat u, and what u will, and will not accept- simple!

I’ve been single for three weeks now and it has been a long road, but i get better everyday. I’ve finally realized that my ex isn’t the only guy in the world who likes me. There are plenty of others out there and I love being single to talk to all of them. It’s great!!

So far so good lol. Actually it’s not, it’s really hard. Night time is worst. I miss txt messages and phone calls. I’ve texted a guy I had a fling with on holiday and my ex but nothing regrettable, just a “how are you” type thing. I guess I’m just lonely.

Sometimes I think that if my mom made more effort to talk to me & I was happy then I wouldn’t look for happiness from someone else. I guess I just need to find it in friends, talk to my mom and try and work through this.

Maybe I should email her & say, this is how I feel, can we please hang out & do something together…that’s an idea! I’m going to do it!

On Saturday I ended it with my boyfriend. We’d only been together a couple of months but we’ve known each other for a few years. We were together for a couple of months last year too but the timing was all wrong. I actually had a boyfriend living in France & he was going travelling, so when he left we ended it.

I’ve had a rather rocky year – when I finally managed to end it with the guy living in France, another guy asked me out & we were together for a few months but we ended at the end of June because we didn’t want to do long distance. Then my most recent ex asked me out.

I thought we could give it another go & wanted it to work really badly but the more time we spent together, the more I realised what a mistake it was. He had an accident in April and I didn’t realise how much he’d changed as a result. He kept saying/doing stuff which hurt my feelings.

The final straw came when I was in a forest fire whilst on holiday. I had to run for my life and actually thought I’d die. I text him and his reply said “don’t get frazzled”...then when he text again, he didn’t bother to mention the fire. I could have died and he wouldn’t have had a clue. So I ended it.

Now I know it’s time to be single but I’ve got so many demons to confront and just the idea of it is making my head spin. I now have to spend the vast majority of my time alone, I have to get used to my own company and that of my family, which I think may be part of the reason why I have flitted from one guy to the next! I’m trying so hard not to put the “single vibe” out there, I need to do this…I need to prove to myself and my family that I can hack it alone.

So here’s the plan – tomorrow I clean up, sort out & tidy my room. I’m starting a teaching course in a couple of weeks, I need to get sorted for that. I also want to clear some old things out, sell them & throw the rest out. I’m going to start exercising again (I had a few weeks off for holiday) and doing things for me.

Piano lessons, some sort of night school course in either German or Greek or Italian, yoga, learn to drive…and write a book. Maybe I could combine getting over this fear of being by myself with a book…I doubt anyone would want to read it though, what can the outcome possibly be? A spinster woman with lots of cats? I wish I could get a cat, my step-dad is allergic lol…maybe I should move out!

I am moving to Cali in a few days. I only know 2 ppl there, and I plan on being single for quite awhile until I know that I am healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. I realize now that you have to find happiness within yourself before you can be happy living with someone else. So I will just take my time to explore my inner being and what I want out of life. I have been unhappy for so long, and I am ready to reclaim my life so I can be a better person and mother.

Last night I kicked out my sorry excuse for a man! Its hard to say goodbye, but even harder to stay miserable for him. As soon as it was clear that he didn’t love hisself, I knew that he could not love me the way I need to be loved. Its been a crazy 10 months, but this experience has taught me so much about relationships and what I am and am not looking for in a partner.
Except I am not looking this time. I have a beautiful son to raise and that is my focus. When its time for me to start over, I will know. This time I know that I will make sure that I am fulfilled before I commit myself, and I definetely will not compromise myself just so I am not alone.

I have come to realize that for some reason unknown it is meant for me to be by myself. Now maybe not for my entire life, but until I truly get to know and love myself. I have been fighting it tooth and nail and I want to build up the strength to face my fear.

The reason I believe this is, I only have one blood relative, which is my son. I am an only child and so was my mother who passed away a year ago. I never met my father and both of my grandparents are passed away as well. So to try and fill the void of having no family, I stay in unhealthy relationships just so I can feel close to someone. I guess realizing that is the first step towards changing it…...